Friday, December 14, 2012

Project Asylum: 666- The Child

The devil is in all of the silly, silly details.  Today's film is 666: The Child.  It's an Asylum film about Satan, not to be confused with Al Pacino.  Feel free to insert your own Devil Actor joke there as well, provided that it's not George Burns.  The film was made in 2006 to coincide with the release of the Remake of The Omen.  Fun fact: that film was released on June 6, 2006 (aka 666).  That makes it one of the few films released on a Wednesday (that wasn't a July 4th release).  I only remember because I thought 'Why would you release a movie on a Wednesday just for this stupid gimmick?!?'  I still think that.  Anyhow, this film has one thing that does terrify me: Sarah Lieving!  Seriously, is it considering stalking if she keeps appearing in films that I watch?  I'll try to get past my increasingly-sillier annoyance at this Actress that I've never met and give this film a chance.  It sucks, by the way.  To find out why, read on...
The first scare of the movie comes from the casting.  At least in a review of a film about the Anti-Christ, it's thematically-appropriate for me to say 'God Dammit!'
After a plane crash that The Asylum couldn't afford to show, a kid walks from the wreckage.  How he's unharmed?  How were his clothes/possessions unharmed?  Never explained.

Oh right- it's (Satanic) magic- you don't have to explain it!
Lieving plays a News Reporter who happens to be on the air when her crew gets a mysterious call to cover the accident.  This is a lame excuse to not hire a dozen Reporter Extras...but whatever.

Oh and get used to this face- you see it for most of the film.
The film is filled with a series of random, silly deaths.  In this one, a Nurse dares to have sex in the room next Damien...I mean, Donald.

Yeah, that pipe would totally kill you...and be hanging from the ceiling like that.
It sure was nice of DVD Cover Nun from The Devil Inside to make a cameo.  Thanks!

Oh and her pointless part just leads to the sad fact that The Asylum can't afford to run a dummy over with a car.  Sigh.
Not Damien shows how evil he is by standing around while random objects kill people.  Evil!  Somewhat-disconnected evil!
After lots more pointless deaths and silly scenes, Not Damien just flat out attacks his adopted Dad after he fires the Satanic Babysitter.  It's here that we see why Not Damien killed those two Dentists...
Seriously- a tongue tattoo?  Ugh.

To keep  with the rip-off tone, the adopted Dad is killed by a Cop before he can kill Not Damien.

Point 1: This is the Terrorist/Mexican/General guy.  Point 2: How is the Cop there after a single gunshot two minutes ago?
In the End, Donald ends up with the sister of his Stepmother, who is basically Martha Stewart.  This is...his whole plan, I guess.

On one last tangent, how much goodwill does Not Martha have after her dead sister's husband TRIED TO KILL DONALD.  Ask Chris Benoit's Dad about all of the good press he gets.  The End.
So that was some sort of evil.  The movie is not good.  It's a copy of a Remake of a film that was good once.  I do like the original film- I just hate the sequels.  The sequel- as I've mentioned- is pointless.  The third film is a silly wrap-up, featuring a scene where Sam Neil monologues to a statue of Jesus.  The fourth film is a made-for-TV film that ruins it continuing things.  This film is much more like the that it is the original.  It's The Omen, but made for $500 in Los Angeles and with no creativity.  The Evil Nanny actually does less, not even killing herself in this film.  In this film, she shows her tits, stands near Not Damien and then dies in the finale.  Most of the characters have even less to do.  Lieving, for as much as I dislike her here (and in most films) does little other than react to previous scenes, leave the film in the middle and die mostly off-camera.  So many things are just there to be there.  Not Damien's kills are usually out of revenge (Grandpa, Creepy Nun), covering his ass (Best Friend, Dentists) or Plot Convenience (Stepmother).  Why does he kill the Nurse and Doctor who have sex in the next room?  Lust is a sin, after all!  This whole thing is laughably-bad at times, but is still a bit of a chore to get through.  One scene does help a little though...
Next up, the sequel...kind of.  Given that it was apparently put together in two months, you can imagine the result.  Stay tuned...

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