Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Deathmas: The Christmas Season Massacre

It will make that ugly sweater that your Aunt got you look good!  Today's film is The Christmas Season Massacre, a film that's bundled on DVD with Psycho Santa and Satan Claus.  When I originally rented the Disc a couple years back, I never bothered with this film.  After watching TWO of them, do you blame me? So what is the film about?  Well, it's about the least-threatening Christmas-themed killer since Christmas Evil.  In this case, he's a loser in a 'wife beater' wearing an eye patch and one shoe.  Can't you just feel the terror leaping off of the silver screen?  This is amazingly-bad.  To see how low a Sub Rosa film can truly go, read on...
The film begins with this guy driving out into the Woods and relaying a story about some kid in his school who was a dork with only one shoe (don't ask).

ALL he does is tell us this, since the film couldn't be bothered to hire some teenagers to reenact this stupid story.
After nearly 10 minutes of his constant talking (with only three camera angles), he gets his balls ripped off (via cheap effect) and his date is...attacked.  Yeah, she doesn't die.

Further compounding the shit, they draw more exposition out and add random facts that are pointless.  Why is it important that this woman faked her death a year ago if SHE NEVER APPEARS AGAIN?!?!?
So this is our killer.  After being abused by kids and getting one bad present, he snapped and killed his fellow classmates...slowly over a period of ten years or so.  Why the people didn't just MOVE is anyone's guess, I suppose.
After a seemingly-pointless scene of him killing a guy while he's screwing a girlfriend, leading to an implied rape scene that ends WITH A JOKE, we see the remaining classmates.  Their plan: get drunk and hang out in one location together on Christmas Eve.
It's rare that I have to worry about a film giving its cast tetanus, but I do here.  Ew!
Cutting ahead- you'll thank me-, our villain kills off most of the annoying cast.  He confronts the, um, Final Guy and gets stabbed in the head.  If you think that he dies though...you've confused this with a better film.
After killing everyone, the film cuts ahead to five years later.  We learn that the lady he raped in Scene 2 gave birth to a kid (who looks like he's closer to 8 or 10).  Oh and he still has the knife in his head.  The End!
Oh wait- the movie just hit 65 minutes, so they pad the run-time out with Outtakes.  That will get you to 80 minutes...in the saddest way possible.  The *real* End.
It's so 'festive' that it hurts.  Let's get this out of the way: despite what they try, this is NOT a Christmas film.  The killer does not dress like Santa, there's very little in the way of seasonal effects and there's nothing festive here at all.  With a few minor tweaks, this could have been The Halloween Season Massacre or The Easter Season Massacre.  Nothing that you would have cut out would have effected the story in any major way.  Now the bigger problem: everything else.  This horror comedy is not funny, it's gore is amateurish and I hated everyone in the film- the villains, the heroes and even the people just reading dialog over static shots. Nothing was good here.  Mind you, this is a Sub Rosa (Extreme) film, so that should be obvious.  Even so, I watched this film and suffered the consequences for you.  Take us away, fetish that I will NEVER be able to explain...
Next up, after covering two of the original films (the ones that I could get), I switch gears.  Will this pointless Remake change my opinion of them or just validate them?  Stay tuned...

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