Tuesday, July 26, 2016

3,100th Post Celebration: The Gardener (1974)

Another numerical anniversary post!  This time, it is less 'safe sex' and more 'safe gardening'...
I thought I'd do something new, but I covering something old.  Makes sense, voice in my head!  Instead of just going for older Films- which I've done plenty of!-, I decided to do an older Film in context to the actual site.  In the very early days of the site (after I posted previously-written content), I talked about 2 Films- Wild Zero and The Gardener.  I thought it might be fun to look back at one of those Films now and see what has changed.  Well, the Film still sucks.  Unlike that 'Review' from 2009, I'll actually tell you more of a reason WHY it sucks.  The Gardener is a 1974 'Horror' Film by Director James H. Kay, the man behind...well, just this, it seems.  I'm not surprised!  He also Wrote this one, so no blame-sharing this time!  The Film 'Stars' Joe Dallesandro, although it mostly just Stars his shirtless chest.  Decades before Taylor Lautner, a Star dared to do his entire Film Role without a Shirt.  Well, I'm blaming him, but the Film's Budget couldn't have even been six figures, so maybe they just couldn't afford one.  Probably not the case.  The Story involves some rich White Ladies in Puerto Rico who hire a Gardener with a dubious past.  Why did his previous Employers die?  What is this secret?  Will this Film still be boring as hell?  To find out, read on...
In a Cold Open, a Woman is in the Hospital and freaks out when they put some plants in her room.  The danger of plant-based allergies shoots across the silver screen!

She dies.
We next meet our Heroine, this redhead who lives with her Businessman Husband overseas.  She finds out about her friend's death...but places more interest in what will happen to her Gardener!
To be fair, he is the guy from Andy Warhol's Dracula, so most Women would have done the same.

He sure is a vacant-looking guy in this Film.  What combination of drugs was he on here and why did he give them to Hayden Christensen?!?
He gets hired as her Gardener and the plants start to grow en masse.  Rare Plants appear with no reason.  Thrill as...people discuss Flowers!
Like any Joe Dallesandro Film, he's just waiting around to seduce the ladies (or Warhol, if necessary).
Strange things (note that I didn't say INTERESTING things) start to happen, which leads our Heroine to finally look into his past.

All of his previous Employers are now dead or ruined, which she at least found after *after* she hired him, as opposed to those morons from War (2007) who just hire Jet Li knowing that he'll kill them.
Her friend has hired him to take the stress off, but this backfires as he *immediately* tries to kill her by...apparently making vines grab her.

She dies when our Heroine just starts slashing at her arms...apparently.
In the last 5 minutes, something *kind of* happens as the Film flash cuts shots of Joe, some branches and other stuff in the dark.  He finally becomes...a tree!
...so she just burns it down as the Credits start.

So how is she going to explain any of this?  Doesn't matter, I guess!  The End.
Still bad.  Still boring.  Still kind of stupid.  The Gardener is an idea that could work, with the right Budget, Writer and Performers.  It is one of those Films that probably *needs* a Remake, as I can't imagine how you could make it worse.  Smash cut to 1313: The Gardener, right?  Honestly, I was hoping that maybe I was just remembering this one wrong.  Nope- still bad.  It took a few tries to power through this one as it just drags and drags.  It doesn't have Atmosphere at all either, so no excuse there.  It is just slow, silly and tedious.  As one Reviewer noted, most of the interesting stuff is just told to us.  The only on-screen stuff is the bit with the random swinging, a little blood and that little's overdramatic reaction to the plants.  It just sucks.  After all this time, I finally got around to really explaining why, so no need to see it yourself.  Well, maybe to figure out what is up with these two, but that's it...
I sure hope I get to watch something good 99 Posts from now!

No comments:

Post a Comment