Thursday, April 24, 2014

Boll-Shit: In the Name of the King 3

Mocking this Film is worth the risk of Uwe Boll threatening my health.  Today's film is In The Name of the King: The Last Mission, since...we needed another one of them.  Let's sum this series up so far, shall we?  We shall.  In the first Film, Boll actually gave a shit and made a big-budget flop.  It is an odd mix of being funny (mostly Matthew Lillard) and just generic as hell.  The second Film is an actual Sequel...kind of.  Much like how The Scorpion King 3 (the 2nd film is a crappy Prequel) shit all over the Original by 'adding to it,' In the Name of the King 2 is a Time-Travel Film with Dolph as...Jason Statham's son?  Oh and he's also somehow Burt Reynolds' grand-son.  No, really.  So that's where we are?  I tell you all of that...even though it doesn't matter.  Granted- they don't use the number in the Title, but I'm still supposed to treat this like a Sequel, right?  According to the prerequisite Making Of Featurette, Boll was not too happy with the results of the last film.  He 'learned his lesson' and got (in his words) 'a better Lead.'  He also made the rest of the Cast up of Bulgarian Actors, since they already sound European and don't have to fake Accents.  That's Uwe Boll logic for you.  The Story involves Dominic 'I was in Prison Break' Purcell as a Hired Gun who gets zapped to what may or may not be the Land from the previous Films via stupidity.  Can this new Hero save the day and do the name of the King?  To find out, read on...
Purcell is a Hitman (wrong Franchise!) who is doing- wait for it- one last job: the Kidnapping of two young Heiresses.

Yeah, my 'last job' would totally be setting up two kids to be killed.  Our hero!
Fate intervenes, however, as he decides to take one of the girls' necklace and hold it up next to his matching tattoo.   The result: he gets sucked through Time (or to another Dimension...maybe)!
He is very confused when he's suddenly in the Woods.  He's even more confused when a Dragon shows up!

Speaking of confusion...
Purcell never musters more than a 3 on the Emotional Scale of 1-10 (11 being a manic Nic Cage).  He's just confused, bewildered or just generally-bored.

On top of that, his Character is just plain inept.  I guess it's more realistic than 'I'm suddenly a great Knight,' but why make him a Professional Killer then.  It's like one person wrote the beginning (where's he's good) and someone else wrote an 'unlikely hero' rest of the Film.  Weird.
Speaking of weird, the token Romance Sub-Plot has no build-up and no real pay-off.  Writing is power.
Sparing you alot of details (as it is a fairly-new Film), I will tell you that we get the token Forest Battle as well.  While Purcell is now a better Hero (thanks to roughly two days of basic Sword Training), he's still kind of bad.
The action spills back to our Time/World and the Dragon comes along.  Well, it is the only interesting thing in the Movie, so it might as well.
Fun Fact: the Boss in our Time/World and the evil would-be King are played by the same Actor.  If you think that there's any overt reference to this or any pay-off, you don't know Uwe Boll Films.

It's also worth noting that there is a matching pair of ladies in the Fantasy Time/World (but older) to the real one, but also no pay-off to that.  Are we going to blame this patchwork Script on the Writer's Strike from 2008 as well?
I won't SPOIL the Ending, but you can probably guess what happens.  However, there are some amazingly-dumb things that you may or may not guess.

Rent/buy at your own risk/leisure.  The End.
Wow, this is lame.  It was a hard task, but Boll made a film that was more disappointing than the last In the Name of the King Film!  Congratulations?  The Positives: The Dragon looks neat and the Bulgarian Forest is pretty.  That's it.  To be fair, the Dragon is not all that special, but the Effects are nice enough.  Everything else is either dull, disappointing or just plain bad.  This whole movie is just a series of 'meh' moments that just keep going until the Credits roll.  Boll has made passable Films (The Final Storm,Farcry), truly awful Films (Postal, Blubberella) and ones that just showed how little he cared (In the Name of the King 2, Bloodrayne 3).  This is definitely the latter, although it has some awful moments in it too.  According to the Featurette, he's proud of his 'Message Films' like Assault on Wall Street (also with Purcell) and Fist of the Reich.  Good for you- just to stick to making those instead!  Look what your shitty Directing is doing to poor Dominic Purcell here!
Next up, a film I was specifically-invited to Review.  I would be lying if I was happy to get the Invite by the time the film was over!  Stay tuned...

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