I managed to put off Uwe Boll films for so long. I know of his reputation and have no problem joining the firing squad against him. Quite frankly, simply seeing five minutes of Bloodrayne was enough for me. Even casting Dave Foley in Postal (Future note: If only I had listened) could not fool me. So, why the hell did I break my vow for...
This just sounds bad right off of the bat, doesn't it? You just want to toss in the pile of stupid fantasy movies like Hawk the Slayer and Barbarian Queen 2. You're not too far off.
Alot of boring and random crap happens. Farmer survives being hung to death and kills a Krug controlled by the wizard for 100th time. The King tries to raise his army for battle, but is poisoned by his nephew. Random black guard leads the forces alongside the King, despite his earlier wounding. Plus, Farmer, Hellboy and random other guy run into Peter Pan in the forest. Oh wait, it's actually Kristanna Lokken as an Elf who does nothing but swing around in the trees. Plus, the Elves number about five and are all women. How does that work?
Sparing you a lot of stuff, the King dies after a big battle in the woods and explains that his long-lost heir is actually Farmer. Yeah, they look so much alike. The Magus' daughter joins the army for the final battle, while Hellboy is killed in the prison for trying to save Farmer's wife. His sacrifice was noble...and completely useless. Good job. The Magus dies as well in a crappy CG-swordfight with Liotta and gives all his power to his daughter, despite her screwing his enemy for months (don't ask). Farmer swings across a giant freaking ravine and sneaks in to battle the wizard. After a long, stupid battle, the enemy falls...when Farmer's wife stabs him. My hero!
This movie is pretty damn bad. It is so utterly generic in many ways and just full of bad acting. Matthew Lillard proves that his best acting job thus far has been in Thirt13n Ghosts. Even next to Liotta's hammy performance, he looks like a freaking hack! Wow- just wow. The good actors (Davies, Reynolds) do not do much other than deliver bad dialogue with a straight face. All things considered, it makes them look like Olivier! From what I am told, this is still better than Postal though. I like to set the bar a little higher, thank you.
Up next is a nearly-forgotten movie that should have stayed that way. I never learn- ever. Stay tuned...
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The movie quickly introduces our to our protagonist: Farmer. He's a...well, farmer. I fear for the depth of this movie's screenplay immediately. His best friend and fellow farmer is Hellboy...I mean, Ron Perlman. His wife is Claire Forlani, evidently taking time away from pretending to be in love with Gary Sinise. She also has a kid, who is a bit too old to have really come out of her, to be honest. Let's not even get into her being attracted to a poor, Jason Statham.
There is trouble in the state of Denmark...or rather, whatever this fake country is called. The King (played by the Bandit) has no male heir save for his doofus nephew (Shaggy). His best friend and Arch-Mage (Maximilian Arturo) has a daughter (Joan D'Arc) who wants to fight, but he won't let her. Oh and a fellow wizard plans to take over the kingdom. Let's focus on the girl's drama though, movie.
Not too long after this, a group of Orcs...I mean, Krugs attack Farmer's village. He has to fight off a group of them at his farm before he can help anyone else. Naturally, he is a master with the sword and knows kung-fu. Reality is not important, huh? He kills a bunch of them, but seemingly fails to save his wife and son. They mix in footage of the evil wizard controlling some Krugs while in what appears to be The Phantom Zone. He even ends up being the one who does the deed on Farmer's kid.
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