Saturday, April 5, 2014

TV Grapple Crap: Thunder in Paradise II

Hopefully I'll be able to follow it without having watched Thunder in Paradise I!  I suppose that the first question is 'Why this movie?'  Fair enough.  To answer, here's some important background.  Hulk Hogan left the WWF (now WWE) in 1993 after tricking Vince McMahon into giving him their World Title and then leaving to go film a movie.  Right around Hulk's title win was the introduction of Monday Night Raw (which is still on!) and they had no Champion to show up on TV.  Joy.  He went to World Championship Wrestling within the next year (after dropping the Title, of course) and got some perks with his signing.  One of the big ones was more Acting gigs, since Hulk really wanted to be the next Schwarzenegger.  You know how that has worked out, obviously.  In addition to being their World Champion (naturally), he also Starred in a show on Ted Turner's TNT Network- Thunder in Paradise.  To exploit the Video Market, two multi-part Stories were released as Films.  So, let's circle back to the first question.  The most simple answer is availability- this one was Available now and the first Film was on Very Long Wait.  The longer answer is to show someone online that it is possible to make it through.  The long-running site features many Hulk Hogan movies- like Three Ninjas: High Noon on Mega Mountain and No Holds Barred.  They also reviewed the first 'Film,' but tapped out on the second.  I can do better than that.  Oh and Michele- they also did Little Hercules in 3-D.  So will this TNT Show-turned-Movie live up to the pedigree of...okay, I can't finish this sentence.  This is a Hulk Hogan 'film'- it is going to suck.  To find out how much, read on...
The Thunder in Paradise Credits are a blatant rip-off of Baywatch, just with Hogan in place of 'The Hoff.'

I'd complain, but...well, at least they ripped off Baywatch and feature busty ladies in bikinis.  Am I shallow?
In the Cold Open, Hulk and his buddy- the son of Jack Lemmon!- attempt to rescue a Princess from the Epcot Backlot...I mean, a vague Foreign land.

I hope you like this footage, since you get it TWICE (with minor Edits).
The Show/Film seems to end early with the boat Thunder being destroyed.  Naturally, we can't be that lucky, so...
It was all a dream!  At least they're getting the bullshit fake-out done now and not later.
The lead lady- Carol Alt- has a 'shared dream' with this supposedly-Arabic Prince.  They fall in love instantly, since...plot.

Fun Fact: the Bodyguard on the right is Fred Ottman aka Tugboat aka Typhoon aka The Shockmaster.  He's also 'buds' with Hogan, hence his appearance.  He won't be the last one...
Things turn bleak when Alt is going to be forced to marry a rival Leader.  He's played by the man known as Giant Gonzalez aka El Gigante.  He's widely-considered to be the worst Wrestler of all-time.

Why he's dressed up like a 7'3 Osama Bin Laden is anyone's guess.  This was a year after the first WTC Bombing, might be intentional.
Need to kill time and be ridiculous?  Why not fill time with action involving Hulk Hogan scuba-diving, undersea mines and the laser on a boat?

Because it is stupid, you say?  Oh- too late.
Hogan and company face some turmoil, but ultimately come to the rescue.  For all you who felt cheated by Giant Gonzalez and Hulk Hogan not fighting at the previous year's Wrestlemania IX, you get your wish!

By the way, you really need help.
They have to escape, however, since the less bad people are still bad.  This allows this 'film' to re-use the same footage from before, plus some new ones.

I will spare you alot of this, but I will say that THIS is apparently an effective strategy to avoid taking falling damage.  No, really.
So all is well.  Joy.

I had to put an extra Cap in this review since you just have to see the unintentional gay overtones on display.  Enjoy.  The End.
This is certainly something alright.  The interesting parts of the movie are not at all what they are supposed to be.  The Action- pretty generic.  The Acting- it's a Hogan 'film,' so take a guess.  The Story- pretty dumb.  Let's sum it up, shall we?  A young girl and Carol Alt both have prophetic dreams (thanks to vague Hawaiian magic).  The latter falls in love with a guy since they 'shared a dream,' only to get dragged into a military conflict between two Nations.  Her only hope: two unmarried men who live in a house together that are raising a kid together and happen to have a ridiculous, military boat.  Yeah, that all adds up.  What makes this worth watching is just how silly and ridiculous it is.  Seriously- this is pretty damn funny!  All of the goofiest parts of Made-for-TV Action is on display here.  It is also a bit of an ego trip for Hogan- par for the course.  If you missed Hogan's film career, you can do FAR worse than this one.  Seriously, Santa With Muscles was a thing.  As I look forward to Wrestlemania XXX tomorrow, I can take solace in the fact that Hogan is *just* the Host.  Take us away, random friend Cameo...
Next up, a film Classic finally gets its due on Mondo Bizarro.  With an ugly monster and a famous Actor's debut, what could go wrong?  Stay tuned...

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