Saturday, October 6, 2012

Steven Seagal Week 2: Paint by the Numbers Seagal Film

Rather than covering Driven to Kill- trust me, it will get its due- I'd like to show you just how similar these films tend to be.  It's the first Choose Your Own Movie Plot...

Steven Seagal is sent on a mission because he is...
1. A Secret Agent
2. A Secret Agent
3. A Secret Agent
4. A Secret Agent
5. A Secret Agent

He has a very important mission.  He must...
1. Save a loved one (Belly of the Beast)
2. Stop some criminal scum (Into the Sun)
3. Rescue some military men/tech (Submerged/Flight of Fury)
4. Stop terrorists (The Foreigner/Black Dawn/Half Past Dead)
5. Stop vampires that may not be vampires (Attack Force/Against the Dark)

In order to succeed, he must join forces with...
1. A rapper (Half Past Dead/Exit Wounds/Today You Die)
2. A saucy Latina (Submerged/Flight of Fury)
3. An ethnic stand-by (Belly of the Beast/Into the Sun/Submerged/Against the Dark)
4. A black actor who doesn't rap (Under Siege 2/The Glimmer Man)
5. A tough lady (Shadow Man/Black Dawn)

They must stop the enemies as they...
1. Engage in pointless gun fights
2. Engage in pointless gun fights
3. Do a wire fight (Belly of the Beast)
4. Engage in pointless gun fights
5. Engage in pointless gun fights

In the end, they will win the day thanks to...
1. Seagal's awesomeness
2. Seagal's awesomeness and kung-fu skills
3. Seagal's awesomeness and use of his double.
4. Seagal's ability to predict what people will do before they act.
5. All of the above.

So that's a Seagal film in a nutshell.  If you catch any of the DTV Seagal film that I haven't done yet (Driven to Kill, The Keeper, Kill Switch), let me know if I missed any obvious tropes.

Next up, my 1,900th post.  If you think I've wasted my free time so far, you haven't seen anything yet!  Stay tuned...

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