Monday, October 29, 2012

Like Mikels: The Corpse Grinders II

I hate myself for buying you.  Seriously, I hate myself.  That's the only explanation for me spending money on this, even if it was only $2.99.  Today's film is The Corpse Grinders II, a film that doesn't have the word 'The' on the actual title card.  When the film doesn't even have the exact same title on the film itself as it does on the box, that's a bad sign.  It's not the most criminal sin- although that is also in this film-, but it is a notable one.  So what's the story on this film?  Basically, Ted V. Mikels pulled an H.G. Lewis and randomly made a comeback for the video market.  Nobody is sure why, really.  Before he made Mark of the Astro Zombies, he made this piece of shit.  Why a film about people making cat food out of people needed a sequel- nobody is sure.  This film is kind of a like a Remake-quel, something I really hate.  It does feature new content- stupid-ass aliens.  As foreshadowing for Mark, we get shitty aliens fighting.  The resolution to this, however, is even worse than that movie.  That's the film's biggest flaw: resolution.  To find out just how bad things really are, I DARE you to read on...
Just like Mark, we get a shitty text crawl.  Essentially, there are Dog Aliens...
 Who look like midgets wearing shitty, Latex masks and disappear after the first five minutes & some Cat Aliens...
 Who are a bunch of Community Theater Actors in silly outfits that have a space ship interior that looks like Ted V. Mikels' house.  You were thinking that- you know it!
The plot- the Nephews of the villains from the original film decide to do the exact same thing.  Wow, that was really creative, Ted.

On the plus side, I totally got this shot by accident.
Ted V. Mikels- in what the box calls a Cameo- plays a pointless Scientist who almost solves the plot...and then gives up on that to fly with aliens.  No, really.

Ted V. Mikels wrote himself to be the hero...and then shits all over that idea.  Why?  Who knows?
In a direct copy from the original, a Doctor and Nurse investigate the Cat Food Company...just because.  The woman almost finds out the truth, but is misdirected.  When the Doctor shows up, they leave...never to be seen again.

Seriously, their sub-plot just fell of the side of the world!  Say Hi to Michael Dudikoff for me.
In another sub-plot, a group known as ASTAPP (no lie) makes a deal with the Cat-Aliens to supply them w/ cat food in exchange for gold.

Did I mention that the Cat-Aliens founded Atlantis, made the Pyramids and mastered Alchemy?  Oh, well, they did.
To cover up their secret, the two Nephews kill an ASTAPP Agent and...there is no closure for it.  Here's the thing...
 Despite being the most obvious criminals ever (including a bit where they get an Embalmer to use 'Chicken Flavored' Embalming Fluid), they never get caught.  In fact...
 They sell 400 Crates (have to be exact...I guess) of Cat Food to the Aliens and get rich.
The film ends with the Cat-Aliens traveling back to their planet with Cat Food and Ted V. Mikels in tow.  No, really.  The *god-damn* End.
Seriously, that's it!!!  Where the hell do I begin?  The Acting is terrible.  The Special Effects are terrible.  The Production Design is terrible.  There's no incredibly-fake Presidential seal this time, but there's plenty else to make fun of.  The whole thing is not scary, funny or the least bit entertaining.  I would have better spent $3 if I had spent it paying a guy to shiv me!  On the plus side, it's still not as bad as Psycho Shark.  So, what else can I say?  Well, WHAT THE HELL WAS THE POINT OF THIS?!?!?  Oh dear God, your shitty movie has to at least have a reason to exist.  You want to make money- sure.  You want to make your own horror icon- fine.  You want to rehash a 1971 film and throw in Aliens for no reason- NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O.  Good grief, Linus- this film is awful.  It sure as hell builds up my excitement for M3: Astro-Zombies and M4: Astro Zombies.  The worst part is that I'll have to not mention this for a while whenever Ted V. Mikels dies.  Obviously, it's not something that I want to happen, but someone who actually thought that a pointy mustache like that was a good look can't live forever.  Highlanders have style, yo!  Dolores Fuller is also in this movie, proving that she can be in worse things than Ed Wood movies.  So, in summary, you should be thankful that Netflix doesn't carry this movie.  If you see it on Clearance anywhere, resist the urge.  On the plus side, this movie is so stupid that it inspired a double-Stinger.  You can choose between Camera Battery Charger in close-up for no reason (as a prop) or Redneck Gandalf (who is against the idea of you 'passing')...
Next up, a two-part look at Halloween films.  First up, a shitty Halloween Slasher film.  Stay tuned...


  1. Hot diggety, I really need to get me some of these Mikels films. Why? Because, clearly, I hate myself too.

    Awesome review.

  2. Honestly, if you're going to watch a shitty Ted V. Mikels film, I'd recommend 'The Doll Squad' or the original 'Corpse Grinders' over this.

    Hell, for sheer hilarity, I'd recommend 'Mark of the Astro-Zombies' over this one. It' bad.

    There's a level of bad that I expected- especially after 'Mark'-, but this one surpassed it.