Project Terrible: Julie & Jack

Damn it, Gonzo!  Project Terrible over at Mondo Bizarro ends with a film by a man whose name is not that famous, but his reputation.  The name: James Nguyen.  If you don't use the Internet all that much, James did a little film called Birdemic.  People love it...for all of the opposite reasons that he intended.  The acting is cheesy, the production values are bad (hello, sound editing) and the special effects are laughably-bad!  You will believe that a bird can explode upon impact!  While his rise to ironic-fame has happened in the last few years, he did make a film or two before his 'opus'- Julie & Jack.  As "luck" would have it, it's on Streaming via Starz Play.  Why can I channel I don't even get punish me like this?  I can't help that I only get HBO and Cinemax!  As you may have inferred, this movie is bad.  As I like to say, it is 'Birdemic without the birds.'  As I found out, it's actually more than that.  It's an amazingly example of how a shitty filmmaker can actually be worse at one point.  To see just how much he's improved, check this shit out..

A little ditty about Julie and Ja-ack, two adults growing up in the heartland (of San Francisco).  Jack has grown up to be a computer salesman, Julie is the debutante in the backseat of the tech bubble.

After some over-exposed shots (because who needs scrims or foil to block the sun?!?), the two hit it off and go on a bunch of dates.  I love you, filler.

Things are going well at work too, as Jack makes a big sale by calling a guy who rejected his offer twice, attempting to bribe him and finally outright lying to get him to buy.  Our hero!

After three months (with no time stamp, mind you), Jack presses Julie to tell him more about herself and for them to meet.  Confused?  Well, I'll make you moreso.  You see, all their dates- virtual reality.  No, freaking really!

Thus begins to the most tedious part of a very tedious movie.  Basically, Jack goes to a person and asks them about Jill...

They have a flashback to them being together...and then lead Jack to someone else.  It loses its mystique on the sixth one!

Are you ready for the big reveal?  Are you really?  SPOILERS below...

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Julie is dead!  That's right, she died two years earlier...but had recorded her brainwaves and memories onto a hard drive and loaded it onto the Internet.  Words fail me, gentlemen!

Will love conquer all?  Who cares?!?  She's dead.  What the hell are they supposed to do?  The End.

Good God!  The plot of this movie is barely even functional.  There are tiny bits of plot that are stretched to look like a real story, but that's it.  It's like if you put leftovers from five different meals, put them in a pot and called it dinner.  No matter how much you try, it's not the same thing!  If you ever wanted to see a movie where filler was the actual plot, this is it!  Are the romantic scenes interesting?  No.  These people don't have enough chemistry to boil water!  Are the scenes of him looking into Julie's past interesting?  No.  They are clearly set up to take as long as possible.  Plus, using the same freaking wipe every time gets really, really annoying!  Who do you think you are- George Lucas?!?  This movie is Terrible.  As I reach the end of this week, I feel like I can truly say that.  Did this movie break me?  It got damn close.  When I heard Jack say the epic line "Romanov?  Is that Russian?" I nearly got up, tracked James Nguyen down and punched him in the sack!  Fortunately for him, I have neither the time, resources or initiative to actually do this.  If you want to laugh at a James Nguyen film, get Rifftrax to watch with Birdemic.  If you watch this film, you'll simply wish that you could dive into a car and make yourself explode!  Take it away, familiar-looking mother...

Next up, Werewolf Week begins with Kevin Sorbo.  If it looks like Fright Night, smells like Fright Night and sounds like Fright Night, it's this movie.  Stay tuned...