Saturday, November 12, 2011

Infamous Week: The Adventures of Ford Fairlane

Why God why?!?  Andrew "Dice" Clay is a comic that you either love or hate.  Basically, if you were a frat boy in the early '90s, you loved him.  If you were everyone else, you hated him.  Guess what I am.  In spite of that, I had to finally cover his big-screen debut.  If I didn't, I could never get that damn movie out of my Queue!  This film was made by Renny Harlin and was made to showcase Clay's comedic talents.  Yeah, it's that bad.  The plot is a neo-crime noir yarn about a missing groupie, some discs and Freddy Kreuger.  Yes, Robert Englund is among the many actors whose career is tarnished by being in this movie.  This movie was a chore to get through, so feel free to relive my pain.  Forced humor and terrible acting ahoy...
After ripping off Sunset Boulevard, we see Clay enter a bar and almost immediately break the Fourth Wall.

It never happens again, making this joke- Entirely Pointless.
As the 'rock-n-roll detective' Ford has a young kid who emulates him.  Please, Clay, you've done enough- don't ruin the Youth of the Nation.
His job: to find this blond bimbo at the behest of Gilbert Gottfried.  That man is killed moments later, leaving us wishing that the roles could have been reversed.
"Hi, I'm usually in better films.  Plus, I don't usually do a crappy Australian accent in those films.  Sucks to be me, Robert Englund."
Prop comedy involving a corpse- nothing is too high-brow for you, Clay.  She turns out to not be dead, but the damage is still done.
He eventually finds the bimbo and she knows...nothing.  Yeah, she was worth the effort.
As it turns out, she has the disc they need to unravel a scheme by the Record Company President to defraud his company.  His punishment for said crime: burning.
In The End, our hero gets all he wants by winning $1 Million via a phone contest...despite his phone being blown up (alongside his house) and not connected to a phone line.  Bull and shit, movie.  The End.
Seriously, shut up!  The plot of this movie could have been good if...well, there are a lot of ways that it could have been improved.  For starters, no Andrew "Dice" Clay.  That schmuck couldn't act, react or even tell a joke right.  Is your joke funny?  No?  Well, just shout 'OH-H!' at the end of it, so we'll know to laugh.  Second, don't make your film hinge upon something so stupid!  The plot is all about him finding this girl, only it doesn't actually solve anything.  Instead, he gets one disc to start with, one from the girl and has to find the third one.  Of course, he loses his prize, Jimmy Hendrix guitar in the process, so was it worth the price?  Third- not so much stunt-casting.  Clay is bad enough, but they throw in Vince Neil as a rock star (acting?), Robert Englund as an Aussie, Priscilla Presley as...herself and Wayne Newton as the bad guy.  Wayne Newton?  Was Charro busy?  Did Barry Manilow bail on you?  Did the Bee-Gees stop acting after Sgt. Pepper?  There are many, many things that I could complain about in regards to this movie.  It thinks that is amazingly-cool.  It's plot resolves itself in cheap ways.  The writing is lazy.  Phones work without being attached to phone lines (and are made out of Adamantium).  There once was a girl from Nantucket, who told you to never see this movie!  Take us away, barely-hidden product placement...
Next up, I begin my round of Project Terrible.  Did Gaming Creatively break me right away or do I kick the ass of 1990's future?  Stay tuned...

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