Infamous Week: Super Mario Bros.

Press Start to be disappointed!  After a long period of hype, Nintendo fans got a Super Mario Bros movie.  How would that work?  The games- counting the original Arcade one- had no real plots to speak of.  Some combination of Mario and Luigi would run around, headbutt some bricks and jump on walking mushrooms.  What kind of narrative is there?  As it turns out, they made a mess of the film.  Hell, the Porn version of the film is closer to the plot, even though it mixes up Mario and Luigi.  The film comes to us from the pair behind Max Headroom, which explains the neo-future setting and the scatter-shot humor.  The mixed-up plot comes to us courtesy of daily rewrites on the set.  Good times, good times.  The set was full of issues, including one of the stars- John Leguizamo- taking up drinking, leading to him breaking the other star's wrist in an on-set crash.  When you see one actor wearing gloves for one scene and the other not, you'll know what happens.  To find out just why a generation of Gamers hates this film, read on...

In a ridiculous bit of animation and narration, we 'learn' that maybe another Dimension was made when that infamous asteroid hit the Earth. Wait- did it?  Why can't the Narrator just say it?  Plus, why is the Narrator Homer Simpson?!?

After that silly crap, we get more silly crap.  A lady escapes from the sewer and delivers an egg to a Catholic Church.  Said egg hatches to reveal a little girl, who will grow up to be an ashamed character-actor.

The late Dennis Hopper smoothly segues into Waterworld with his performance as King Koopa.  He's so silly that he makes Fisher Stevens looks sedate.

Our heroes end up in the Other Dimension- which is never actually explained- and end up as fugitives.  It all has to do with a MacGuffin in the form of a meteor rock chunk.  I'd explain why it's important, but then I would have to kill myself.

Remember how Toad is a humanoid Mushroom in the games?  He's a Hippie Protester here, who ends up being turned into a Koopa.  You've made up random shit so far, so why not?

When your Mario Bros movie has Mario dancing with a fat lady in a bar, you've made a wrong turn!  Abandon ship!

Just over an hour in, we finally get a fair semblance of the classic Super Mario Bros. outfits.  When contrasted with the shrunken-head Koopas, it's not enough!

Let's take time to work in some imagery that will be awkward in 8 years.  Fun fact: this movie was released the same year as the original WTC bombing!

Hey movie, why don't you flash an image of what Koopa should have been for about twenty-seconds, just to rub it in?  Thanks a lot.

Holy Lance Henriksen- are you required to be in every piece of shit movie like this?!?

The film ends on some sequel bait that just appears to be really, really sad.  The only thing that would have been worse- Super Mario Bros.: The Movie- The Game!  The End.

No One-Ups for you, movie!  The plot of this film is a mess.  Is anyone surprised?  They took a game that didn't really have much narrative to it, wrote about four different scripts and spent the better part of six months doing daily revisions on those!  When the Directors- who everyone realizes were out of their element here- seem flustered, things are not good.  Here's a thought: embrace the nothingness of the plot.  Just have two people playing the Brothers, have it just stated that they battle Koopa and go from there.  What's wrong with that?  Would a plot involving a meteorite creating a parallel dimension to ours- in the Earth's core- that is full of evolved dinosaurs seem good instead?  They should have just gone big or gone home.  As it is, the movie is a confusing mess full of messed-up characters,- Yoshi as a Raptor- pointless plot turns,- the henchman becoming super-smart- and is ultimately just a waste of time.  It almost makes you yearn for Uwe Boll films.  At least those are *usually* closer to the source material!  Take us away, worst character names ever...

Next up, one of the three films that bankrupted Disney in the '80s.  It's Norman Bates in space- with robots.  Stay tuned...