Saturday, October 1, 2011

Moon Over Miami: Petrified

Alien mummy- you can't go wrong, right?  Leave it to Charles Band to take a dream film of mine and ruin it.  The movie is not without it's merits, I suppose, but it is mostly a steaming pile of disappointment.  Here's what you need to know: Charles Band wanted to make a horror film in 6 days with almost no money put into it.  The result: a haphazard mess that builds up a unique threat, only to sideline the story with a B-Plot that has no place in it, and ultimately wastes the potential set up earlier.  I really wanted to go into this film recommending it as a Full Moon film that slipped under the radar (as opposed to every other Full Moon film), but I can't.  If you want to know exactly why I can't do that, you'll just have to keep reading.  When you find out just how the film wastes its time, you will be truly...
The film begins with three people selling a crate to this black guy.  While he looks like Louis Gossett Jr from Bram Stoker's The Mummy, he's not.  The deal goes awry, however...
...and the Mummy gets awakened.  This guy can make his eyes glow (via a cheap effect) and turn people into stone.  That or just coat their faces in thick, gray make-up.
The Mummy's second set of victims are this lesbian couple who sneak away from a Facility.  Random lesbians- not quite, actually.  More on that later, but first...
Terror!  I should also mention that this film has a C-Plot involving two investigators who are always about four scenes behind, stumbling across the bodies and talking about what we already know!
It all leads to a stand-off in the Facility, which is a place for mental patients to be studied.  What kind of patients?  Nymphomaniacs...who also happen to be lesbians.  No, this is still not a porn movie.  This is actually part of a plot by a Doctor to make an immortality potion, using the 'essence' made by lesbians.  No, really.
The Mummy finds its way into the building and does bring some scares.  It's a nice suit, although it is clearly a suit.  If you want to see how Band kills all of this terror, however, keep reading...
After a bunch of scares and running around, our hero simply throws a bunch of salt on the creature and kills it.  Yes, it is that easy.  Oh and the investigators show up to get the plot explained to them.  The End.
I'm bored stiff!  The plot of this movie is too scattershot and silly to work.  Alien mummy on the loose- good. Weird 'mad scientist' plot involving an immortality potion and lesbians- not so good.  Side characters who do nothing but visit locations we've already seen- definitely not good.  Why are these plot joined together?  An alien mummy should sell a film on its own and doesn't need this weird padding to it.  Likewise, a quirky film about a mad scientist using lesbians as part of a plan to make an immortality potion could also sell a film, albeit a different kind of film.  So what is the point of connecting them again?  I could see it if the monster was one that was immortal or trying to stay that way- i.e. a vampire.  In this film, there are just two unrelated plots that join when the characters just wander over and interact.  You managed to disappoint me again, Charles, although this one feels worse.  Maybe in another ten years or so, they'll randomly make a sequel to this.  Hey, it worked for The Killer Eye!
Next up, Full Moon's final film is about a man possessed by a suit of Roman armor.  If this were any other studio, you'd think that I was kidding!  Stay tuned...

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