Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Gutter Trash: Gutterballs

Do you like films about people who are all legitimately-terrible?  Do you like films in which one character says 'the f-word' as part of every sentence?  Do you like a rape-revenge plot who's plot is so convoluted that I can barely explain it?  If you said 'yes' to any of those questions, you need help!  Gutterballs is a film that I've put off for a long time.  Why?  It looked stupid.  Do I need another reason?  The plot is a rape-revenge tale, but with a gimmicky twist.  That twist- bowling plays a part in all of the murders.  No, really.  Let's just dive right in and make a spare with the...
A fight breaks out between two groups at a bowling alley.  Who are they?  Well, we see them start fighting after less than five minutes.  Good job.
The next night, the group meets up again the next night to play the finals of their tournament.  Oh yeah, one of the women who was with the side that won the fight gets raped.  That's probably important, right?
A killer begins to take out the group slowly, all the while wearing a bowling ball bag on his head.  No, I'm not kidding.  Oh yeah, the bag is upside down too.
These two hook up during the whole thing, as our heroes continue to not care about their friends missing for minutes on end.  Yea.
This Jersey Shore reject is the worst of the bunch.  Every line he has involves the word 'f#*k' at least once.  I hate him.
At one point, the killer sneaks up on the girl from before and screws her with a bowling pin.  His disguise- a wig and bandana like the guy who left...OVER HIS BAG/MASK.  You are stupid, stupid people!
Do you really want to know who the killer is?  Do you?  Well, if you don't want to know, just skip to the summary, as there will be SPOILERS...

The owner of the Alley is the killer.  He's also the father of the girl who was raped.  But wait- there's more!
One of the men who raped her also did some of the killings as he felt bad about it later.  The girl also does some killings.  Is this dumb enough for you yet?
The remaining cast members kill off all of, killers and leave.  The last guy has a secret to share...and gets shot to death as the credits roll.  Sure- why not?!?  The End.
I got some balls for you to polish right here, movie!  The plot of this movie has potential, but just falls apart.  A rape-revenge tale is pretty simple.  Someone gets raped.  Murders take place of those who did said rape.  Rape victim and/or family member is revealed as the killer.  It's not hard.  After all, The Nail Gun Massacre can do it!  The problem is that the film is full of terrible characters, the motivation for many of the kills is iffy and the pacing is way off.  Most of the characters are weird and one-note.  For example, one of them is a Transvestite, since I can never get away from rape-revenge films featuring Transvestites!  Most of the characters are complete assholes, while the rest don't have enough personality to fill up a thimble!  Second, a good number of people who had nothing to do with the actual rape are killed off.  There's a plot explanation, but it comes off as just an after-thought.  Finally, the film drags, drags, drags through it's 80-ish minute run-time.  I stopped caring a good thirty minutes in, but kept watching out of a sense of duty.  The bottom line: this movie is awful.  It's not scary, it's not funny and it's just an excuse to show lots of gore.  Take us away, killer wearing a bowling bag on his head and a Knight's armor...
Next up, an Australian slasher film from the '80s.  I'll just stop there, actually.  Stay tuned...

1 comment:

  1. Taking your name from a fictional porno movie shown in "The Big Lebowski" seems dumb. Especially if you are not, in fact, a porno.