Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Project Terrible: Beastly

Tale as lame as time!  This modern take on Beauty and the Beast is pretty bad.  It is part of Project Terrible after all.  Thanks again, Maynard.  The film keeps the basic motifs and plays with them in silly ways.  Many touches are made to keep the film 'realistic,' while often just making it even sillier than ever.  I probably shouldn't waste a lot of time, since you just want to watch me suffer.  I should take a moment to note that the film stars one of the Olsen twins though.  Seeing that Billion Dollar Princess (not Stephanie McMahon) play a Goth chick is just sad.  By the way, you can do a lot better Peter Krause.  Everyone else...I'm not so sure about.  Let's just dive right into the bad, scar-covered crap that is...
Our hero is a Patrick Bateman-style guy who is obsessed with his looks and being famous.  Obviously, he's due for a fall.
It comes at the hand of this Goth chick, who is also a witch.  That's convenient, huh?  Incidentally, she gets offended after his new ad campaign which says to 'Embrace Your Ugly.'  That's...not as mean as you might think, actually.
After his transformation, the young man's dad (Krause) pretty much leaves him alone to die.  Real classy, pops.  I hope that you like his one-note character, since the film is full of them.
Confronted with his ugly 'inner self,' our hero does not take it well.  The plot device/witch refuses to restore him unless he wins over another girl (Vanessa Hudgens).  As a bonus, she will also restore the eyesight of...
...our hero's blind tutor (Neil Patrick Harris).  Sure is nice of her to do that...and kind of odd.  How can she restore eye sight?  Undoing her own curse is one thing, but this is just silly!
*Insert Emo Joke Here*
Will the weirdly-scarred and bejeweled rich kid win over the poor girl?  What do you think?  Haven't you read Beauty and the Beast?!?  Hell, you have to at least have seen the Disney film for crying out loud?!?
 
We also get a goofy Epilogue scene implying that Krause is going to get the 'bejeweled treatment' as well.  Oh no.  The End.
You're ugly on the everywhere!  The plot of this movie is goofy and trite.  It's a classic tale, but twisted and manipulated to fit modern times.  A lot of questions are raised by this choice- ones that you could excuse in an older story.  How does the dad disown his son, while also keeping him in that penthouse?  How does there not become a giant 'media storm' about this famous, local celebrity turning into a mutant?  How are there not dozens of doctors trying to look at him, as opposed to just one scene trying to make you forget about it?  Furthermore, how was he not offered at least three Reality Shows?  On top of that silliness, the movie just piles on more.  In one scene, our hero tries to save the girlfriend character and father from some muggers.  After knocking the gun away from one mugger, the other man shoves the girlfriend down some stairs.  Way to go, hero!  This is not the worst film ever made, but it's definitely not for people like me.  It tries to be dramatic, but constantly gets that ruined by the guy's increasingly-silly look.  More importantly, the film offers no surprises and ends the way you might think.  Quick question, by the way: how does the Goth girl get import papers for the maid's kids?  Does she know Jack Bauer?  This movie sucks, but is still not the most Terrible film this week.  Take us away, inexplicable Christmas tree tattoo...
Next up, a film about a mummy who kills people.  Nah- I'm lying, it's just a fat guy.  Stay tuned...

3 comments:

  1. I'd love to see a David DeCoteau remake of Beastly :-D

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  2. OH MY GOD I NEED TO SEE THIS FUCKER

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  3. I still need to see this, but anyway, here is Horrors of Spider Island for Project Terrible:

    http://cinemagonzo.blogspot.com/2011/09/horrors-of-spider-island-1960-sort-of.html

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