Ponytail Pain: Attack Force

This is why Producers sometimes need to just leave well-enough alone.  Today's film is the 2006 'classic' known as Attack Force.  However, it was actually filmed as a movie called Harvester.  According to one source, the film was supposed to be about a group of alien vampires coming to Earth and trying to kill everyone...in Bucharest, Romania.  It's still a Seagal film, so world-conquering was right out.  After the film was finished, the decision was made to make it a non-Sci-Fi film entirely!  How do you do that, you ask?  By re-dubbing all of the lines in the film referring to 'aliens,' 'invaders' or 'vampires.'  They also did some clear re-cutting of the film, as the Alien Queen character is still in the final fight of the film...but only appears in two random scenes near the end.  It makes for a very odd film experience, especially since Seagal's dubber is a man who seems to be imitating Martin Sheen!  At one point, the voice changes mid-conversation (actually, this happens a dozen times) and his first line as the new voice is 'Don't you recognize my voice?'  No, I don't and why should he?!?  This film is a mess...that you just have to see and hear about.  Prepare to marvel at the generic title that is...

An introductory scene involves some action and men attacking a base owned by some government agency.  Does it add to the plot?  No.  Did it add to the plot in the original cut?  Who knows?!?  All I know is that Seagal sports some wrist knives that he proceeds to bury in this guy's temple.

After a night in a club (since it's a film about vampires), a trio of young agents working with Seagal are killed by a vampire...I mean, lady on some super-methamphetamine substance.  When he finds out, Seagal bursts into action...

...by that, of course, I mean Seagal's stunt double leaps into action.  Seriously, they gave his double a nice shot in the film (as well as the girl's double in a silly pose).  You can't spot him too often, but it's moments like this that make your realize that you're watching a Seagal film post-2000.

In a random moment, one government official is built up as being a rival to Seagal's (for no good reason) and it all builds up to...the guy being shot in the head during an action scene.  Alright then.

I should also mention that the 'not vampires' use these blades...that appear to be made out of plastic.  How would that cut anything?  You couldn't even cut tension with that shit!

The 'not invasion' of these 'not space vampires' leads Seagal to team up with the military to take down the threat.  For the most part, these random soldiers suck.  At one point, they test a guy for being infected (a plot point involves the water being filled with 'the drug') and he passes.  A moment later, he kills three of them!

While the main characters have been Seagal, his best friend (his only real trait) and his old love-interest, the latter is killed off quickly before the finale.  In her place is...this Asian guy who has never appeared before.  What scenes did they cut that would have explained this?

Remember, this movie is totally not about vampires.  That's why the lead villain (for now) is posing on this pedestal like a vampire.  Of all the things to cut, you didn't cut this?

After his abrupt death, Seagal faces off with...another drug addict lady.  She was apparently the real villain behind this (in the original cut).  Here- she is just some woman who fights well, has a Korean stunt-double and has a scar that keeps switching sides due to Flipped Shots.  Evil is, of course, vanquished.  The End.

Either version of this film probably sucks.  The plot of this movie is a giant, confusing mess.  Since the layout I did was kind of odd (to fit the use of all my shots).  Basically, Seagal, his friend and some young guys go into town to do a mission (which is quickly abandoned).  After they pick up a prostitute, they are killed, leading the pair to find the source of it.  It all comes down to some drug dealer who worked for the government infecting people with a rage virus (of sorts).  Does this explain the people having super-strength, super-reflexes and these weird eyes that blink sideways (see pic above)?  No.  What does it explain it is the supposed plot that was actually shot.  Do I think that Seagal fighting space vampires would be awesome?  In theory, yes.  However, I've seen him fight regular vampires (who were mostly like zombies) before and that film sucked!  All of that said, the film is hilarious to watch.  Since the vampire aspect of the plot is so major, the voice dubbing for Seagal and others is constant and all over the place.  It's so silly that I can't help but recommend this to all you lovers of crap.  If you like good films, well, you already know to avoid Seagal films that weren't made in the '90s.  I'll leave you with this shot of the 'Alien Queen's' stunt-double engaging in a 'slap-fight' with Seagal...

Next up, the second film I watch solely because Chris Jericho is in it.  Naturally, his role is small and I'm left with Joey Lawrence!  Stay tuned...