Thursday, September 8, 2011

No Dice: No Contest

I disagree- there is indeed a contest!  This movie is one of those '90s time capsules that has been preserved for posterity.  Let's take a look at just what makes it 'so '90s.'  The lead- an actress who can't act or fight, but did do some nudity in the past.  The supporting cast- a bunch of people who were in one big movie, so they star in dozens of little movies to make them seem important.  The villain- a comedian-turned-actor who had a marketability that would last about 13 months.  The plot- Die Hard, but in a different location.  In addition, you have lots of badly-choreographed action, shooting and a bunch of technology that didn't exist back then.  I'll break it down into more detail as this review goes on.  Let's do the Macarena as we determine that there is...
Shannon Tweed is a former-Miss Galaxy (not Universe)-turned-action-star who is hosting the event.  Her love-interest is Robert Davi.  Ew- acne scars.
A bunch of villains hijack the tournament to make a bunch of money.  Roddy Piper is one of them, since he was in They Live at one point and had a terrible agent.
The villain of this movie is the face of evil...and sexist comedy with no actual pay-off: Andrew 'Dice' Clay.  He wears this disguise in the beginning since it's a plot point of the Die Hard Scenario film.  Case in point: Gridlock.
Our 'John McLane' is Tweed as she wanders around the building and tries to get help.  She's not a good substitute, but you already knew that.
I should also mention that one of the hostages is a Senator's Daughter, since she was in the Pageant.  In addition, her only bodyguard was Davi, an older-agent with a bum leg.  No wonder you guys have low approval ratings!
Will Tweed and Davi save the day in time during the dramatic finale on the roof?  Of course they will.
Just to mix things up (the only reason I can think of), we still get about three more action scenes after this.  It FINALLY culminates in an action scene on an elevator.  Cue the title line (at about 86 minutes in).
With the dead man's switch on his bomb stopped by a man talking over a radio (seriously- that happens), he is shot to death by Tweed and falls into a blue screen.  The End.
No success.  The plot of this movie is, well, Die Hard.  Some minor details have been changed- an office building turns into a hotel, a woman in the lead, etc- but the plot is still the same.  Much like Gridlock, the movie is notable only for its casting.  Andrew 'Dice' Clay as a villain- laughable, but in the wrong ways.  Tweed as a hero- just kind of sad, really.  Piper as the lead henchman- kind of fun, albeit one note.  If you like action films, this is one of them.  More importantly, if you want to see what the '90s without the aid of a VH1 Clip Show, this is a great way to do it.  It's pretty funny too.  Isn't that right, Piper?
Next up, a sci-fi action film gets the Ultimate aid.  Can it rise from a North Star and survive the Cage?  Stay tuned...

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