Cop Land: Samurai Cop

Another bad movie about an action star playing a law enforcement officer- hurray!  This one comes to us from 1989, although it was not exactly a big movie.  According to stories, this movie was found in a vault over in some Italian guy's villa.  Is that true?  Who knows?  The thing is this: all of this is more interesting than the movie.  Don't fear though.  There is a saving grace: Joe Bob Briggs.  The man is a great movie reviewer and newspaper writer, although it is hard to find the latter today.  However, he did find time to put his voice on a few Movies in the form of some Commentary Tracks.  If you ever thought 'there is no way that I can make it through Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter,' try it with Briggs' commentary.  This is the case today, so let's see if I can manage in my review of...

I know that you're going to kill me for this, but I have to resort to the format of Challenge of the Tiger one last time.  I defy you to write a review of this like a real movie!  I won't do it tomorrow- I swear.

In a nutshell,...um, I got nothing.  I know that we get a hero that seems to be the guy from Rock & Roll Nightmare, the catcher's mitt-face guy from Soultaker and a token black guy.  Incidentally, the lead actor has one credit: this movie.  Fun fact: if you put our hero's hair on the villain's face, you would have the man behind The Room!  This has something to do with a Japanese businessman doing something illegal.  If you really want to know, watch the damn thing.  In the meantime...

+ Our hero has a long, crappy fight in a parking lot.  He finds time to rip-off the original Indiana Jones film, give us a silly effects shot and to stand still as Z'dar shoots his men with a paintball gun...I mean, a real gun.

+ Our heroes have a car chase/shoot-out which involves the titular cop shouting 'shoot!  shoot!' every three seconds.  Good times.

+ In a random scene, the titular cop hits on a woman who works in an office.  This actually prompts Briggs to ask 'what is the point of this scene?'  Don't look at me, man!

+ In a laughable scene, a woman is tortured for information with...bacon grease.  Really, guys?

+ Our hero fights the legendary action star Gerald Okamura...with sped-up kung-fu.  This video sums up how stupid this is.

+ The final fight borders on parody and features Z'dar having a sped-up sword fight with the Samurai Cop.  Even Briggs is not clear whether or not this is a parody.

+ The movie ends happily, although ruins this with a final shot of our steroid-ridden hero in a speedo.  Yeah, that was necessary!

This was actually THE OTHER TIME he was in a Speedo.

I won't lie: this movie hurts.  It is so awfully-bad, ridiculously-stupid and amazingly-terrible that I wish it had stayed in the vault that it may or may not have come out of.  There is some fun to be had here, but only if you can really suffer through the terrible nature of it all.  If you are a sadist or feel the need to see every bad action movie (guilty), it is worth a watch, but solely with Briggs' commentary (UPDATE: Now with Rifftrax too!).  

Up next, David Bradley stars in a bad action movie.  This time: it involves robots, so it has to be better than American Ninja 5...right?  Stay tuned...