Saturday, January 23, 2010

Forgotten Sequels: Black Cobra 3

Well, I own all three films now, so I might as well make fun of this movie too.  This one returns us yet again to the Philippines, because, you know, not enough bad action movies are filmed there.  Mind you, it is better than filming in Apartheid Era South Africa like the original American Ninja films and Space Mutiny did!  What story is there left to tell about this character who has almost no back-story and is just another 'cop who plays by his own rules and gets the job done.'  You can skate by with that for one film, but four?  Let's find out in my review of...
The film begins with some sort of commando breaking into a military outpost run by foreigners.  Um, this is not Fred Williamson.  Did you guys make a movie called The Manila Connection and try to squeeze him in later?  Not as far as I can tell, but would that really be a surprise?  He escapes by use of his machine gun, some set explosives and a rigged fence.  He also manages to lazily take out a group of soldiers by running past them and firing, all the while barely glancing in their direction.  He escapes, at which point the movie randomly cuts to a naked Filipino woman.  Um, thank you?  The wounded man shows up and we get some talk about his mission to get some intelligence.  Another awkward jump occurs as a group of thugs attempt to rob a grocery store.  You'll never guess which black police detective is out shopping that day!  He allows himself to get surrounded and takes a pair of them out, the latter of which gets a punch to the groin.  What's with you and hitting the groin, Fred?  The other ones finally go down after some shots, although the last one is merely shoved into a pile of Tide.  Oh, the humanity!  Does this scene have a point?  No, not really.  Malone gets a taped message from the son of an old friend- by all means, remind us of your Star's age!- and gets sent to the Philippines again, although this time by choice.  Wow, that's completely different, movie.
Once he gets to the Phillipines, he runs afoul of a woman in the lobby.  She asks him to hold the elevator for her, but he acts like a douche-bag and closes the door- my hero.  After meeting the now-adult son of his friend, he learns that the woman is also their CIA contact.  Gee, what an extremely-obvious plot-twist, movie.  A search of the dead agent's room ends with the discovery of a tiny umbrella with a night club's name on it.  I guess this is supposed to be a substitute for the matchbox cliche.  They try to get information about him from a stripper there who was his girlfriend, but it leads nowhere.  One pointless fight scene later and Malone is investigating some docks with the young man.  They get into- wait for it, another silly fight scene in a warehouse.  Does it look like the same one used in Black Cobra 2?  Yes, amazingly so.  Coincidence- I think not.  The highlights: the young man looking a lot like Reb Brown in action and Williamson fighting with his belt as a weapon.  The stripper changes her mind about helping them when she suspects that something is up and gives them some information.  They search her apartment to discover some photos that the man took showing some gun-running going on.  You all know where this is going, don't you?
More barely-expanded upon investigation and action scenes take place.  The crux of it revolves around trying to determine where the photos were taken and, thus, where the stash is.  None of this is really bad; it's just not all that interesting.  Never mind the fact that the whole movie is a build-up to get back to a setting we are taken to in the very beginning of the film!  Once they find it, our heroes get decked out in their best Commando/Treasure of the Sierra Madre attire to kick some ass.  I should also mention that the young man has what appears to be a red grenade.  Alright then.  Once inside, they wander around and kill some enemies.  Malone even manages to kill a guy with a throwing knife without even turning all the way around to look at him- that's sad.  It all just feels like a really bad version of Metal Gear Solid- if it was done by Uwe Boll anyhow.  Blah blah blah, more running and more shooting.  You get the occasional stunt man who jumps back way too hard, but it's all pretty 'meh' by this point.  As if him and Malone were in a 'macho-ness' contest, our young man gets ahead by picking up a SAW and cutting loose.  Our heroes escape a giant explosion they set up via helicopter, since apparently Malone is a pilot!  They catch the main villain and get the evidence, but we can't end with the pointless last-minute reveal of their boss being evil too.  Thanks for that.  The End.
This movie is not good, but it does have some interesting moments.  For the most part, though, it is just extremely generic and bland.  Detective Malone is just not a good character here, as he acts bossy and rude to everyone.  I know that we're supposed to make peace with that because he stops bad guys, but I don't really care.  The guy is a prick!  At least the other two leads are not completely heartless bastards, although they have almost no personality.  You just have the eager, go-getter and the bossy girl who is smarter than everyone.  The action is not terrible, but very little stands out.  It is just a barrage of cheesy kung-fu, dull shooting and the occasional moment of funny over-reacting to 'being shot.'  You've seen all of this before though.  The original film has some hilariously-bad action scenes and ridiculous writing, while B.C. 2 has the over-the-top ending bit to save it.  This movie is just alright and nothing more.  Let's move on, shall we?
Up next, the delayed review of a Japanese werewolf film's sequel.  Was it worth the wait or will I just be left with werewolf 'blue balls' again?  Stay tuned...

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