Blockbuster Trash: Pulse II

We're hitting upon the direct-to-DVD sequel territory now, the darkest area you can go to as a movie reviewer.  These things are usually lower-budget, lacking in stars and barely-related.  On top of that, you risk wandering into Remake-quel territory.  If you need any proof, I will sight 8MM 2 and Wargames 2: The Omega Code.  Thankfully, this is not one of those.  However, knowing what little I know about the American version of Pulse, I can barely say that this is a sequel.  Apparently, that movie ends with the ghosts all coming into our world.  This movie jumps on from there, but feels like something completely different.  It is sort of like how Feast was about people trapped in a bar, while Feast 2 involves a midget and some lesbian bikers running around a town.  I've stalled long enough, so let's dial up my review of...

Pulse 2: Afterlife

The film begins by meandering around with a few characters.  One woman wanders around in the wake of the internet ghost's invasion (although, the third film is the one that has the subtitle of Invasion).  Meanwhile, a man dresses up in all red and tapes his clothes on to his body.  Guys, want to explain any of this?  On top of that, we get nothing but the world's shittiest green screen work for minutes on end.  Seriously, Feast 2's rooftop scene looks like Avatar by comparison!  Finally, around the fifteen minute mark, we get a bit of an explanation...about the woman.  In regards to the red man, you're going to have to be patient.  The woman is looking for her daughter, who is apparently missing.  She thinks that she has found her, but the girl runs away.  I know- I was expecting a jump scare there too!  We also meet a man who is looking for a little girl as well, leading us to...another fake jump scare.  Does that make you clever?  Anyhow, the girl is the daughter of the man.  We learn through the man reading his wife's journal that she died.  Wait, she is an internet ghost too?  That makes everything you've shown me- entirely pointless.  Thanks.

*

The man takes his daughter to his cabin, but not before they are stopped by a gang of armed, fat guys.  They actually remind me of the people in the Family Guy episode centered around the Y2K disaster.  Good times!  At the cabin, the pair is joined by the man's girlfriend, whose first response is to bitch at him about not picking her up.  This coming from a lady who steals a car from a man who just exploded into ash and drives it to the cabin owned by the man whose family she split up.  Anyhow, the idiot guy brings his laptop, which turns itself on.  Oh my God, Windows 7 has become self-aware!  These people act like the apes from 2001 at this sight and spend nearly five minutes alternating between 'turn it off' and 'don't touch it.'  They manage to finally power it down, but the guy logs on later that night.  By the way, they get a signal out in the woods.  In the morning, our heroes try to get away, but the girlfriend gets her soul ripped out by the ghost/wi-fi wife.  The survivors flee, but get confronted by the red-suited man.  He explains that red is the only color that they cannot get through, since the Green Lantern rule is apparently in effect.

*

The weird man explains that he needs a certain component to create his something-or-other.  Do they explain it?  Nope.  Does this bit add anything?  Well, we get a long scene of our hero trying to scramble away from a ghost/download, but that's about it.  The guy leaves them with a spool of red tape and goes on his way.  See you in the third film, maybe...I don't know.  Around this time, the 'fat guys with guns' story wraps up when one of them goes to the cabin, only to find the topless ghost of the girlfriend.  Gee, I guess you failed to check the 'no nudity' clause.  She seduces the man, only to cover him in that goop from Spider-Man 3 and kill him.  The next night, they wrap the car up in red tape...which is weird even in context.  That morning, however, the girl sees the ghost of her mom and goes to see her.  Honey, you were there when your mom exploded into ash, so I think you realize that she died!  Fortunately, a bus shows up and promises to take them to a shelter that is Wi-Fi free.  This was set-up in the original Pulse, making this more like Pulse 1.5 or something.  They run through the field to the bus, but the ghost of mom shows up again.  After some tension, it spares the man.  He stands around too long, however, and the girlfriend ghost kills him.  Don't celebrate until you're safe, dumb-ass!  The girl gets away to live happily ever after...until Pulse 3: Invasion.

*

Yeah, this movie is bad.  While I have not seen Pulse- even I have some standards- I doubt that it would improve a thing.  If anything, I think it would make it worse.  For starters, I doubt the movie has green screen standing in for sets for the first half of it!  Secondly, that film focused on some young, target-demographic teens, while this one is about an unhappy couple, a dead lady and a little girl.  Plus, we're just settled in with the idea of ghosts invading us via the internet, so nobody wants to address this.  If you want to bring in people, you may have to explain your weird voodoo/Wi-Fi magic!  The movie hits all of the cliches of low-budget horror and nothing more.  While I can't vouch for the original Japanese film Kairo, it has to be better than this!

*

Next up, a film that I did just to prove a point to my friends.  They could not handle it, but could I?  Did it finally break me?  Stay tuned...