Buddy comedies are a genre in and of themselves now, thanks to such pioneers as Eddie Murphy, Jackie Chan and Jay Leno (the star of Collision Course). Like pies, not all of them are made equally. This is the case when you try to force two people not known for comedy (intentional, at least) into a film that requires it. Some people are just made for this kind of thing (Owen Wilson) and some people are not (Luke Wilson). Now add in the fact that this was made in the mid-80s, a time when not everyone was thinking all that logically sometimes (i.e. The Safety Dance). Today's film is, to borrow some l33t lingo, is a fail as Epic as I have ever seen. It is...
Firewalker
Our story is about Chuck and Louis Gosset Jr. as treasure seekers who are looking for one last score. Like jewel thieve, you would think that they could just be happy with the penultimate one. They end up in a generic desert country, but run afoul of some trouble. They have to escape some cliched, low-budget deathtraps (just pick one and you'll probably see it). We get a silly little jeep chase and some low-budget crashing. So far, it's all 'been there, done that.' We are treated to some weird flashback footage of the titular character, a giant Indian man. I wonder if is going to play a bigger role in this movie.
*
The duo move on to South America to find a stash of ancient treasure. They run across a blond who has some helpful information on stuff. Unfortunately, the place is not exactly a nice place to visit, so some subterfuge is required. This leads to a scene that features Chuck Norris and Louis Gosset Jr. dressed as...priests? Is this real or did the acid finally kick in? Along with the woman (dressed as a nun), they partake in a series of chasing and action scenes. If you ever wanted to see Chuck Norris spin-kick people whilst dressed as a clergyman, you are in luck. They escape and end up in the clutches of...John Rhys-Davies as a gay military general. Listen movie, if you aren't going to try, then neither am I! At least you don't have a stupid plot thread with Gosset Jr. disappearing and Norris immediately figuring that he was eaten by an alligator, despite zero evidence. Bad movie, bad!
*
The 'comedy' of the film comes from silly stunts and stuntmen. Unfortunately, it looks all too real when Norris-Gosset swing towards a ledge and the bearded wonder runs into it crotch-first. So much for being a good Republican and pumping out a ton of kids. The only real humor comes from the 'treasure' that looks like it belongs in a High School production of 'Treasure Island.' The ending fight with Chuck and the villain is pretty good, but it is far too late. I'll stick with Walker: Texas Ranger clips on Conan- thanks, though.
*
The worst kind of bad movies are bad dramas and bad comedies. This movie is one of the latter, saved only by a few good moments. Otherwise, it just hurts like a Coleman Francis movie, albeit with slightly-bigger budget. If your fetish is terrible cliches, this movie will be like ultra-porn (thank you, Futurama). There are some good movies with bad cliches in them. I would suggest you rent one of those instead.
*
Up next, a forgotten sequel starring Jet Li. What do you mean 'he is not in it?!?' He was in the original. Are you saying that I have to review...aw, crap. Stay tuned...
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