There are many bad sequels to films made every year. Hell, I've talked about many of them already. What I have also discussed is the idea of the 'fake-quel' or the fake sequel. The most famous example, of course, is the Zombi series that is falsely spun off of Dawn of the Dead over in Italy. There is oh so much more though. Did you know that the Evil Dead films have gotten the same treatment? It is less well-known due to it only being a phenomenon in Italy, whereas the other one crossed over here as well on DVD and VHS. If you were an American tourist in the 80s and 90s you could live out your fantasy of several 'Evil Dead' films on video, only they would be crap like today. Without further ado, I bring you...
Our movie begins with a barely-dressed woman being chased by an angry mob. Okay, movie, you have my attention. She ends up being chased into and through a very lovely New England house that looks like a cross between The Waltons' house and The Amittyville one. In desperation, she ends up diving through a window, which the film presents to us in dreamy slow-mo. The whole scene is also in that hazy filter which people either really love or utterly hate. Our story jump-cuts ahead a long period of time (the woman's pursuers looked like Puritanical men) to a couple on the same island. It is a studious-looking young brunette and...David Hasselhoff! How the hell did you end up in a film directed by the man behind Black Orgasm (no, really) and Erotic Nights of the Living Dead?!? Incidentally, the woman would end up another Joe D'Amato (really Aristide Massaccesi) film that I saw- Zombie 5: Killing Birds. Anyhow, the girl is writing a book about haunted houses, while her boyfriend just wants to get into her pants. He's nicer about it than the guy in The Killer Must Kill Again, but he is still clear about what he wants.
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Around the same time, a rich family is going to check out their newly-inherited estate. Any guesses on which house it is? They set it up earlier by explaining that the intro was a dream/vision had by the pregnant young woman in the family played by Linda Blair. In fairness to her, this is still better than Repossessed. We get a set-up to strangeness by having a falling beam nearly hit Linda Omen IV-style. Plus, we have the pre-requisite creepy kid that is sure to be chatty with a ghost or two. Plus, we get the first of our cameo appearances by the Witch herself, who speaks bad English to the kid before disappearing. Why can't I just disappear yet? Oh and we get our first glimpse of superfluous nudity as a woman is showering before Linda's parents call. The blond is a broker who will show the family the house, which is, of course, on an island. Oh no, I hope they don't get stuck there!
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So, the family, the property owner's son and the blond show up. Hoff and his lady pal hide, but not before engaging in more talk about her 'giving it up.' We can read your foreshadowing like a book, movie! Also, hire a better actress for a scene that involves so much reacting. A giant solar flare goes off behind the house, which is explained as 'the witch's light.' Aren't witches more discreet since they are, you know, killed on sight?!? Eventually, Knight Rider and his gal pal are discovered, just as a storm hits the island. It is explained that it is far too unsafe to go anywhere right now. Plus, their boat captain was killed and the boat drifted away. Did I forget to mention that part? Our first bit of titular action occurs when Linda has a pill-related freak-out in the bathroom. She ends up in a Forbidden Zone-style world where creepy women are eating a fetus (read:doll). Thanks, movie, I wasn't hungry.*
The plot goes thusly: the Witch has to open the Three Doors to Hell (I would have put a couple more big ones on, personally). The first is opened when she kidnaps the old mother, sews her mouth shut (a bit later used in Argento's Pelts) and makes her reappear in the real world. She is tied up and hanging above the fireplace (in the chimney). Being vaguely near a flame causes her skin to slowly melt like wax (read:itclearlyis). All of this happens mere feet away from the group and nobody notices it. The next one comes when the owner's son and the realtor run off for some nookie. They are sucked into the magical world and attacked by the same two women. When they reappear in our world, the man is a flaming stake on the lawn (circa Dead & Buried) and the woman is impaled on a giant swordfish. Okay, that I did not see coming! The final door is opened when the still-virgin brunette- having turned down the Hoff a couple of times more- is attacked by the witch. She is, well, raped by Satan (either Rosemary's Baby or The Church- take your pick). Following this, she goes downstairs and says nothing about it. Why?
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From hereon out it is a big mess. The dad dies (but not to open a Door) and the kid wanders around being crazy. The whole thing nearly ties together when Linda Blair gets, wait for it, possessed! I don't need a bubble for that one, do I? She explains the whole plot (at least somebody can) and chases our heroes. Most of them make it to a boat, but Hoff and his now non-virgin lady are trapped. Our hero gives his life to save her, but is it to no avail? We see the boat leave without her and see her...wake up in a hospital. How? Why? But, before I get too outraged, I have to add this. She is also pregnant! Yeah, you saw that coming, huh? The End.
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This movie is bad, but it certainly has its moments. The mom's death and the horny pair's ones are interesting, even if completely implausible. The acting just kills the whole thing for me though. The brunette (Leslie Cumming in one of her two listed IMDB credits) is just the worst part of the movie, even when compared to the kid who is practically reading off of tiny cue cards...badly. She never emotes beyond indifference, even when being chased down the hallway by a witch! She was not this bad in the other movie (Zombie 5), which I can only attribute to her being dubbed. So, bravo to her voice actress who is infinitely superior to her. The bottom line is this: when you honestly say 'David Hasselhoff was the best actor in the movie,' things are bad. Really pain-resistant film buffs may see it just to say that they have seen Evil Dead 4. I would insult you for that, but I already saw this movie of my own accord.
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Coming up next, a pair of movies that make you wish that you had gone to the second to the last house. Stay tuned...
This flick is so barfy, I havent made it all the way through without falling asleep. A few scenes of OK gore, but really nothing that justifies watching the film
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