Bi-Polar Cinema: Tokyo Zombie

Japan- you do not need make every one of your mangas and animes into a film. Seriously, this goes for the good majority of them. Did we need Cromartie High School: The Movie? I don't really think so. A good example of this is today's film, an adaptation of a fairly-popular manga. The problem is that they did not adapt just one story and make several of them. Instead, they tried to make a summary of the whole series into one ninety-minute movie. How well did that turn out? Find out the answer in my review of...

Tokyo Zombie

The film begins with our two heroes- both of whom have silly haircuts- who work in a factory. Only, the factory is empty, save for the two of them. What does this place make- air?!? They spend their time -seriously- practicing judo. The older one (the one in the crappy bald cap) explains that this is the ultimate fighting technique and that they need to learn it. Why? The film never addresses this, but it does address the whole 'not working' thing. Their boss shows up and reprimands them for being lazy. Excuse me, I was wrong. He actually begins to attack them with a pipe. In self-defense, the men accidentally kill him. Ha ha ha...wait, what was funny there?

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The men casually drive up to a giant trash pile that exists just outside Tokyo that is affectionately-known as Black Mount Fuji. This is not to be confused with a bad Italian action movie. They dump him there, but all of the undead begin to come back to life. Why? Good question. We get some 'wacky' deaths like a man's head being kicked off like a soccer ball. Ha ha- it's funny because he's dead! Our heroes take a while to figure this out, so go ahead and cue up the Shaun of the Dead comparisons now. When they do figure out, they get into some wacky adventures like trying to go shopping while there are zombies about and doing a dramatic scene whilst wrestling in a mildly-gay manner. The older man reveals that he has cancer, which is hilarious, but gets bit in a fight. He jumps into the river to avoid turning and killing his friend. Are you ready for a sudden and random turn?

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The film suddenly turns into a cartoon a la Tank Girl and shows how the world was overrun by zombies. The rich live in walled cities (Land of the Dead) and are entertained (Caligula) by zombies fighting humans for sport (Best of the Best 2, save for the zombie part). Don't worry, it turns back into live-action. It still gets bad though.

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The film jumps ahead nearly ten years (why?) and establishes a new narrative. Our afro-ed hero is now married to the woman they saved and has a kid. He is making a living as a zombie fighter in the pits, using the judo he learned (sort of) from his friend. Okay, you really should stretch out a bit before you make jumps like that, movie! His problem is that his fights are simple and over too quickly to entertain the rich assholes. The tone gets very bleak at this point, focusing a lot on the family aspect. The guy's wife has no respect for him and his kid doesn't ever talk. That's so hilarious! Skipping ahead (which I recommend), the whole 'second movie' builds up to the man's former-friend showing up as a zombie in the arena. The man proves to be alive enough to manipulate his friend into ending his suffering. He does this by provoking him with memories of a teacher that violated him sexually- again, funny as hell. The whole film ends with the zombies over-running the city and our hero flees. They also explain that his friend was not really a zombie, but just thought he was. The End.

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I did not mind Tokyo Zombie that much, at least not the first part. What the hell made them think that nobody would mind the random plot shift? Who green-lit that stupid idea? Also, the tonal change is so sudden that it needs one of those road warning signs. It's as bad as Hundra was, only in reverse. Plus, that movie had good action scenes...in the first ten minutes. This is Napoleon Dynamite, only with some zombies thrown in and even more obtusely-quirky. You can keep your zombies, Tokyo- I'd rather watch the Italian ones. At least those ones are funny, even if they are not supposed to be.

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Before I piss off the entire continent of Asia any more, I will change gears to Italy. It's not like this film has the star of Baywatch: Nights in it. Oh god, it does. Stay tuned...