Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Beard Power: Hellbound

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep- he waits...to make bad 90s actions movies. The man behind Walker: Texas Ranger made a career thanks to the Canon/Globus conglomeration in the 1980s and continued this into the next decade. Towards the end of his epic run (I think Sidekicks did him in), he made this movie that involves the occult, some knights and Chuck heading to Israel. I smell an international incident coming! As a bonus, the film also includes a lady that would play a big role in Mr. Norris' television career. Without any more stalling, I bring you...
Our story begins with some knights riding around and trying to stop some Satanists. See- I told you about the openings. They ride in to stop an evil priest from doing some sort of vague ceremony to summon the devil or something. They kill him, but not before he vows revenge. He's not going to come back with a comet's return, is he? Sadly, the whole thing just involves killing some people, traveling to the promised land and using some sort of dagger. Not every film can be The Brainiac, I guess. The movie cuts to Chicago where Norris is a tough-talking cop with a black partner. Let me address two things: this is not Miami Vice and it is not his partner from Walker. I wish either of those was true. Instead, we get a Rabbi being killed by the priest from the beginning of the movie. Why? He needs to reassemble the Scepter for his big ceremony, but it was broken into nine pieces. Break out your Dragon Radars, kids!
Somehow, our heroes get funding to go on a trip to Israel- talk about Chicago politics run amok! Also, I did not mention this before, but Norris' character is named Frank Shatter. Words fail me. Once in the Holy Land, our characters drive around looking for clues. They are aided by a nice young woman who would later end up as Chuck's assistant/wife on Walker: Texas Ranger. He rewards her with a juicy part that involves being smart in one scene and being captured in the next. You can see what enticed her to the role, can't you? We get some 'comedy' scenes involving our duo not fitting in and not knowing how to pronounce certain words. I suppose you are wondering why I am barely talking about the actual plot by know. There is a reason: there is barely any.
The whole thing culminates in Chuck rushing to the rescue of his lady friend, who has been captured by the evil priest. He begins to do his ceremony, but our black clad hero (since Good Guys Wear Black) arrives. His partner, played by 'Terrence Trent D'arby,' does not really have much to do here. You know why? Because this is an Aaron Norris film, dammit! You know what is coming, don't you? The priest transforms via magic, Chuck does a dragon kick and good triumphs over evil. Hurray!
There is not a lot to say about this movie, to be honest. Like the Chuck Norris film billed as 'Norris vs. Jason Voorhes,' the hype is just too much. Did you really expect to see Norris fight Satan? What kind of douche-bag action star would have himself actually fight Satan? You had to know that this film would just be a series of scenes with Norris fighting people to bad synthesizer music, right? To be fair, the film is not without some merits. A little of the humor is actually good and the action is adequately-staged. The climax does not deliver to our unrealistic standards, but it works. If you can understand what the film really is, you may have some fun. Look at the bright side: it's not Firewalker.
Up next, a film that stars the men behind Forest Warrior and Supernova. At least it's not Firewalker. What's it called? Oh, God dam...um, stay tuned...
This is now part of The Final Girl Film Club.  Check out her lovely site at http://finalgirl.blogspot.com/

1 comment:

  1. Hellbound is to Last Crusade as Firewalker is to Temple of Doom, or so says me. Ulitmately, it's hard for me to hate a movie where satan rips out a rabbi's heart. Every action or horror movie should have a rabbi killed at some point, or at least kick in the groin or body slammed or something. It's a can't lose comedic premise.