70s Trash: Empire of the Ants

I will be up-front with you: I love this movie. It is great for all the wrong reasons. The film is about giant ants and comes to us from the man who made giant creatures work: Bert I. Gordon. If you don't know the name, Bert made several films on the subject including War of the Colossal Beast (the all-but-forgotten sequel to The Amazing Colossal Man, which he also made), King Dinosaur, Food of the Gods (whose sequel I reviewed) and Village of the Giants. Basically, the man had a gimmick- i.e. William Castle- and it worked. Well, it worked until 1977. You see, the last of his big films was this one. He still made movies- mind you, there were only four in the last 30 years- but not with anywhere near the amount of success. So, how did the last hurrah of a big, film icon turn out? Find out in my review of...

Empire of the Ants

The story starts out with a long narration about how ants do this and that. Basically, it is more direct and less pretentious than the one in Phase IV. Basically, it is on par with the ridiculous 'killer whales are awesome' speech from Orca. This actually gives you a lot of foreshadowing for the story, so I won't spoil anything...yet. The story proper begins with a bunch of people being given the tour of an island that is going to be the home of some condos. The tour is being led by Joan Collins, so you know that the quality of this movie is going to be high! You get some stock characters including some nosy old people, a philanderer and the impossibly-nice guy who only exists in movies. One of them hits on Joan- you'll never guess which! They get the usual spiel about 'houses will go here' and 'this place is great for this reason.' All the while, we are treated to random camera angle shots of the group passing by that are accompanied by loud buzzing. This must have been fun for those with bootleg VHS tapes! We also get some P.O.V. shots from some creatures with multiple eyes in one. You want to lay off the suspense and just show them, movie?

*

Finally, the movie does so and it is...well, funny. You get a mix of film-projection effects and super-tight shots of people interacting with model props. The beasts attack the group, who flee in their little go-kart thing. Basically, it's the thing that drives you to your parking zone at Disney. The annoying old people are killed off first, followed by some people who decide to hide in a tiny shack. Gee, it's not like they are giant or anything! Escape is removed as an option when the Captain- generic older character actor- is attacked by an ant on the boat. During the struggle, a fire is set and their only means of escape is blown up. Mind you, they could always swim themselves, but that would be silly. After some silly chasing, the survivors get in a boat and take a river ride. Faster than you can say 'they did this in Frogs,' ants attack them and the group barely escapes. Incidentally, the ants attacking is very awkward and only matched by the action choreography from Hercules in New York. Mind you, in this film it is because people are battling imaginary or out-of-scale threats, while the people were just awful in Hercules. A bit later, they make it to land and flee to a nearby town. Incidentally, this private island attaches to a town now. Ready for the film to go into insane territory now?

*

Our heroes set-up in town pretty quickly and feel safe. Oddly, there is no way to call out and the people act a bit curious. The group decide to flee, but are cut off by the police. They are taken to the sugar factory where they see some tiny ants in a pile of sugar...er, I mean, a bunch of giant ants in a mountain of sugar. What the hell is going on, you ask? As we learn, the ants have set up shop in town and have an army of human slaves. How? As the introductory bullshit explained, ants have pheromones that are used to communicate in lieu of a voice. The film took that and made it into a magic, mind-controlling substance. You want to be taken over? It's a simple procedure. They dump you in a tiny glass room that is adjacent to the film-projection of the queen ant and she sprays you. They demonstrate this on Joan, who does not take kindly to the whole thing. Our young hero manages to steal a tanker truck full of gas- I guess they borrowed it from a Terminator movie's crash scene- and manages to light the place up. Two of our leads escape, but leave everyone else to die. The End.

*

Holy crap, does this movie turn weird in the third act. Based on what you read/saw, were you expecting that stuff? I sure as hell wasn't. Honestly, if you exclude this part, the movie does not have a lot to offer you. It does, however, put the ant effects from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids into perspective though! I will say that Bert I. Gordon always knew how to make these ridiculous premises work, even if he was never all the clever. This is a bit of pulpy fan that will make you both appreciate the days of this kind of film and remind yourself of just how lucky you are to be living in this time. Wait, this is the generation that made the Transformers films. On second thought, scratch that second part!

*

Up next, a film that has been waiting for a review for a while now. What do you get when you combine the 'crazy family' sub-genre with the 'dwarf-spoiltation' one? The answer is really, really messed up. Stay tuned...

60s Trash: Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster

This is one of those movies that manages to stay under most people's radars. First off, it is from the bygone era of low-budget 1960s sci-fi (i.e. the films all set on Earth). Secondly, it was not directed by Roger Corman. Instead, it was by a man named Robert Gaffney, who only made this film. Don't cry for him, though- he was also the director of photography for 2001: A Space Odyssey...'s part filmed in Monument Valley. Lastly, this movie is known under several other titles including Frankenstein Meets the Space Men, Mars Attacks Puerto Rico, Duel of the Spacemen, Operation San Juan and Mars Invades Puerto Rico. Incidentally, I like how someone made the distinction between them invading Puerto Rico, as opposed to just attacking it. It's like 'we'd love to stay, but we're busy- we're just going to attack you and leave.' Let's get past that bit of silliness and review the real silliness here...

Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster

The film begins strongly with a countdown and some obvious stock footage from a rocket take-off. Set the mood early, film! Unfortunately, a mysterious explosion occurs during this- done via film effect- and dampens everyone's mood. We get to see a bunch of talking heads- both military and NASA- discussing the problem. What could be the cause of this? As it turns out, it is the work of some space aliens. I would have never figured that out from the title! The most notable of them are the two leads: the Queen and her second-in-command/scientist. The former is from the mold of your usual space Queens from films such as Rocket to the Moon and the like, while the other is very odd. Basically, if Nosferatu was an alien and dressed in black leather, it would be this guy. Wait- maybe he's from Planet Transylvania like this movie! They explain -to each other- how their planet was overrun with radiation and that they are seeking a new home. They viewed all of the launches as attacks and blasted them out of the sky. Back on Earth, a scientist and his lady pal arrive at a NASA press conference. The brass play down the attacks as accidents and tout their new astronaut. He looks nice and all, but freezes up completely during his speech. Don't be like me and just think it's the disc skipping.

*

As we learn, the man is actually not human. He is a composite man made up old parts and electronics. Why? Because NASA does not want to risk anymore men until they solve the problem of the attacks. You lucked out this time, space monkeys! So, we get another missile launch scene- Great Moments in Stock footage indeed- which does not go much better. It is not completely destroyed, however, as our half-man and half-machine...on the cover of a magazine survives, but has a messed-up look. Basically, half of his face is revealed to be its natural form, while the other is still his 'human mask.' Stranded in Puerto Rico, he begins to wander around in his space suit. He freaks out a couple of young women, but runs off. Meanwhile, the aliens begin their plan: to kidnap some women for breeding. Unlike Mars Needs Women, these guys actually do something interesting! A pasty guy is out at the beach with his hot model girlfriend and does not want to go swimming with her. That schmuck deserves to die! Oh wait, the aliens just disintegrated him- thanks. Back in the less interesting plot, our two heroes take a trip to Puerto Rico- cue more stock footage- and go looking for him. They come across the scene of the incident and suspect his involvement, despite all logic to the contrary. You're supposed to save the day?

*

After a montage of the idiots riding around the city on a moped, we cut back to the aliens. They show up at a pool party and decide to kidnap all the woman. No, don't take Gidget! Back to Frankenstein as he wanders around some more, but stays oddly low-key for a half-man/half-monster. By the way, the story is really this choppily done. The aliens do some vague 'indoctrination' process that involves women on a conveyor belt, but one of them is too wild for this. Instead, they lock them in the room across from their monster- thanks for showing up so soon, monster! Finally, our heroes find 'Frank' and the man tries to fix him. He sends the girl off to call the military, but she is captured by aliens a mere 50 feet from our hero's location. They go to rescue her and the military joins in. They surround the ship- which was doing just fine in the atmosphere unseen- and plan to bomb it. 'Frank' gets in and knocks some aliens around. Mere minutes from the end, he locks horns with the space monster and they...awkwardly sumo wrestle. That's right- this is The Human Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy all over again! He manages to get all the women out- who show no ill effects from whatever was done to them- before the ship takes off. He activates the self-destruct sequence and the movie awkwardly stops with our human heroes looking up. The End.

*

This movie is not all that good, but it does have a charm to it. The space monster looks silly in its minimal screen-time, but passable. 'Frank's' make-up works at times, but they barely show it all that much either. I guess it won't surprise you that the space aliens spend more than half the time with their giant space helmets on after all that, would it? Even so, the movie does have a weird and kitschy charm to it. Any film with a pool party scene that is interrupted by an alien attack is not without its unintentional humor. If you like those silly Corman movies like Attack of the Crab Monsters or The Last Woman on Earth, then you will be entertained. It is easy to see why this guy only has one directorial notch on his belt though.

*

Up next, another schlock classic gets some loving. This one involves ants, tourists and radiation. Stay tuned...

Mondo Trivia: Day of the Dead (1985)

*Zombie extras were paid $1.00 a day for their services and given a hat that said 'I Was a Zombie in Day of the Dead.' I wonder how much those would go for on EBay these days?

*Joseph Pilato- aka bad-ass Captain Rhodes- would later go on to be a voice in the cartoon series Digimon: Digital Monsters. The man who uttered the words "choke on them" as zombies ate his guts doing a voice on a Japanese cartoon- what are the odds?!?

*One line from the film- "Hello- Is anyone there?" is sampled in a Gorrilaz song entitled 'M1A1.' The same group also samples dialogue for this film- and Dawn of the Dead- in the song 'Hip Albatross.'

Blockbuster Trash: Mimic 2

I know some of you may think of this as a cheat, but it's not. While it's true that this is a Forgotten Sequel (it was made in 2001), it was also made direct-to-video. Unlike the last two films featured in the series, this movie was never in a theater! For those that don't know, Guillermo Del Toro was so fed up with the Weinstein's constant creative insertion that he all but disowned the original Mimic. As such, it should be no surprise that he did not make this movie. Instead, he made some small, indy film called Blade II. There is some confusion to this film if you really look at it, as well. The story is a sequel, but centers around one of the supporting characters and not the lead. Does it make this film a 'Sidequel' then? Regardless, this is...

Mimic 2: Hardshell

The film begins with a mysterious man walking down a soundstage...er, I mean street with a mysterious briefcase. He is attacked by an unseen creature with claws and stumbles into the path of a taxi cab. That is also attacked as well, complete with having the metal hood cut through. Of course, because this is not a good movie, the hood is in one-piece when the police show up the next morning. Their only clue is a bunch of dirt that seems to have come out of the briefcase. The movie transitions to our real lead: a young woman who is a Biology teacher at an inner city high shool. Just to note: because this movie was made in early 2001 and set in New York, you do get a sadly-ironic shot of the Twin Towers. Our heroine proves to be very quirky and has one obsession: bugs. I mean, she is really into bugs. We learn this in great detail as she goes out on a date with some guy. In one of the movie's few comedy segments, she talks non-stop about bug behavior, while the guy only wants to get in her pants. After she leaves, he is attacked by a mysterious man in a coat. Cue to police!

*

The more we learn about our heroine, the weirder she gets. After she is informed about the man's death, she takes a picture of herself. Why, you ask? Because she apparently does that every time a relationship turns bad. To make it all the stranger, she posts them all on a closet door in her apartment! The detective talks to her in-depth and even puts the moves on her a bit. He suspects that something was up with her due to people in her proximity meeting mysterious and violent deaths. He states early on, however, that she could not do it, since the man was strung up on a light pole and outweighed her by nearly 100 lbs. In the film's other parallel story, she develops a close bond with a young, inner city youth, while an older student has the hots for her. Late one evening, she discovers that her and the younger boy are trapped in the school, thanks to someone stacking up desks and chairs Poltergeist-style. The Principal, played by penultimate character actor John Polito, tries to help, but meets a bloody death. This is also where we learn that the killer is one of the original beasts from the first film. I admire your attempt at mystery, but is this really a surprise? This is Mimic 2!

*

The bulk of the movie revolves around our heroes running somewhere, talking about bugs and running some more. Since our heroine was one of the people from the original release of the bugs in the last movie, she knows all about how their minds/bodies work. Of course, nearly every time she sets something up based on that knowledge, it fails! She switches clothes with the older boy (who's probably 19 in real life) to fool the bug, but only ends up making it confused and angry. You see, the bug has apparently decided that she is to be his mate...for some reason, so it is killing any man in her life that is conceived to be a 'rival.' Speaking of the bug, it is mostly CG and looks good or terrible depending on the scene. In its 'human form,' it never looks realistic, unless you think that people resememble Michael Meyers covered in Vasoline. After a lot of running and struggling, the policeman from earlier breaks into the building- which is surrounded by cops- and saves our heroine...or so it seems. In the chaos, the police somehow confuse the bug in his form for the real guy, who they discover. Rather than giving us a twist ending, the movie continues and has the bug get decapitated by our heroine. She is forced to wait out its death, however, as it died in the doorway. The End.

*

Yeah, this movie is not good. The story is not all that awful, but it definitely has some flaws. The mystery about the assailant is handled well, but feels really unnecessary. If this were the first Mimic or an original IP, it would be logical. In addition, the whole thing with the bug being in love/lust with her does not make all that much sense. She makes a point many times about it still behaving like a bug and having its flaws (i.e. flash sensitivity). So, this creature is exactly like a bug, only it is also just like a human? Early on, they give us many victims that are really unnecessary. Why did the bug kill the janitor? Did it push the story on in anyway? Was it just so your film did not feel so bottom-heavy? On top of that, the ending felt like they had a neat idea, but 'chickened out' on it. I will give them credit for some good bug effects, but deduct just about as many points for an over-reliance on CG. This is especially notable when you consider that this is a sequel to a Del Toro film, the man who still pushes for on-camera effects/suits. You can definitely do worse (see Species II-IV), but don't expect a lot.

*

Next up, a quirkly little film involving aliens, swimsuit models and Frankenstein's creation. You have to be curious. Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: Turbulence 2- Fear of Flying

Let's be honest: any movie about a plane disaster is sort of awkward to watch these days. Even old-school films like the original Airport films have an eerie twinge to them. Pretty much the only films that have escaped this are the Airplane films. You can't be disturbed by any film featuring Leslie Nielsen and Robert Stack. In today's movie, the producers actually went out of their way to make their film look awkward a year later (it was made in 2000) and for the rest of all time. It was like a dare gone wrong! This movie is the sequel to a surprise hit starring Lauren 'Dumb & Dumber' Holly and Ray 'Narc' Liotta. They decided to follow this up a couple of years later with the all-star duo of Jennifer Beals and Craig Scheffer! Wow, star power like that will be visible for thousands of years after it burns out! This is...

Turbulence II: Fear of Flying

The film begins with a bunch of people confronting the movie's titular fear. They are on a plane that experiences turbulence. One of them gets pushed past his limit and walks off, revealing that it was a plane simulator. Damn you, M. Night! In actuality, they are in a support group for the fear that is actually run by the airline! Enjoy the new Fear of Terrorism class- brought to you by Al Queida! Our group is made up 90% comic-relief characters (nebbish guy, fat guy, etc), a British man, Mr. Scheffer and Ms. Beals. Do they contribute much to the story? Not really. As it turns out, the group's final test is an actual flight, which seems like a really bad idea. They meet up with a flight controller played by Tom Berenger, who did not really have anything better to do at this point. I should mention that he was the star of Sniper 1, 2 and 3. A bunch of extras and such get on the plane as it goes for its flight. As a bonus, they are joined by some foreign guys. Ruh roh!

*

We get a bit of filler for a while as we establish everyone's quirks. The British guy is trying to get some nookie from Beals, who never really says 'no.' Scheffer is constantly butting in to everyone's business, while the Captain acts absurdly-generic. It's like he's trying to be every do-good pilot from the Airport films at one time! All of our comic relief characters freak out as the plane goes through a storm, but that is the least of their concerns. People start to get killed and nobody is quite sure why. The movie tries to cover who the culprit is before doing the reveal in a long and winding series of 'shock reveals.' All but one of the foreigners are killed after one of them holds the plane hostage with a bomb threat. One of the passengers reveals themselves to be Security Personnel for the airline, but fails to stop the terrorist. Scheffer and the British man take him down, but the former notices that the latter has actually pocketed the detonator. Reveal #2 comes as the man explains that he is a British agent sent to stop the men with the weapon. After some questions still remain, he just says 'screw it' and kills both the Security guy and the lone foreigner left. So, he is the terrorist?

*

The movie's not done yet, so try to keep up. In a silly plan involving putting one woman in an overhead compartment and a mass attack, our heroes take down the Brit. This is where we get one of the more awkward scenes involving the passengers discussing how they can take down the terrorist. Yeah, it's a bit too much like United 93! They succeed, but one of the passengers reveals himself to be in league with the Brit! Got any more plot twists to chuck at me in twenty minutes, movie?!? In spite of being attacked numerous times for interfering, Scheffer continues to stick his nose in this! As luck would have it, he designs planes after a crash killed his wife. He proves himself to be the pluckiest damn hostage in the history of mankind! Things get better when the co-conspirator is taken down by a batch of drugged water (don't ask), but worse when the Captain dies from tumbling backwards into a control box. Thank God your spine was made of Nerf! The movie really stretches out the ending bit, with the use of a plane to communicate with the control tower, a second radio to do so and, finally, a cellphone. The movie becomes more awkward when the pressure comes to shoot down the plane. Lay off United 93, guys! Finally, the day is saved and Scheffer gets to put his tongue down Jennifer Beals' throat. The End.

*

Honestly, the film is not that bad. The story is pretty simple- for the most part- and the acting gets the job done. That is in regards to the leads, mind you, as everyone else is just 'eh.' The villain pulls off the evil, yet realistic tone pretty well, although is character is very one-note. Beals does the woman-in-peril thing pretty well. Oddly, the day is saved by the man, as opposed to the feminist tone of the first film. The plot twists really hurt the movie as they are barely explained and just there to keep you off-guard. It is 'sequel-itis' at its best and very worst, guys. I get that you need to top the first movie, but try to stick to either terrorists, bio-weapons or a military threat- not all three! For a sequel to a barely-remembered '90s film, it is quite good. Just don't expect it to ignore all of the 'plane in peril' genre's cliches.

*

We get some buggy Blockbuster Trash in the form of a sequel to a Guillermo Del Toro film. Can this film mimic the others' notoriety and success? Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Duel (2-Pack)

As simple as the premise is,- man pisses off truck driver and is chased through the desert- Duel is a good movie. It works so well, in spite of it all. That said, these posters are so much more interesting...
So Duel is an art film? Or is it a very obtuse video game?

Damn, I really want to see that movie! More importantly, I want a truck with a dragon in the under-carriage like that.

Next up, the Greeks amp up a Michael Mann film...not like he usually needs it. Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: Return of the Living Dead 2

Zombies were very popular in the 1980s, so the fact that one iconic zombie film managed to get made is no surprise. The original Return of the Living Dead is a fun, quirky film about gore and mutilation. More importantly, it dared to defy the zombie rules set up by Romero. Shooting a zombie in the head- that doesn't do crap! You have to burn those guys up or cut them into little, tiny pieces like in Stacy. With the popularity of the film, how do they follow it up? Do you just rehash the same ideas or try something completely new and unique? To find out, check out my review of...

Return of the Living Dead: Part II

The film begins by explaining the basic back-story of the series. Night of the Living Dead was based on real events and the gas that caused it is still around. Apparently, they dumped them in the same canisters as the aliens from the War of the Worlds television show. Our plot in the present involves two of the preserved zombie bodies being left in the sewer. Unfortunately, my dream of them infecting a giant alligator and giving us Alligator III: The Real Mutation does not come to be. Instead, some dumb kids open up the electronic locks placed on them by the government and unleash the gas. It looks like a mix of The Fog and the stuff that created the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. After a bit too much filler and character introduction, the dead rise from the ground! By the way, if you ever wanted to see a film spoof this iconic scene with slapstick comedy, this is your film! A zombie putting on their glasses- check. A zombie who keeps getting his hand stepped on as he exits the grave- check. A zombie just flat-out falling back into his tomb like Tor Johnson- why not?!? Incidentally, two of our heroes are grave-robbers. I just wanted to mention that.

Our heroes are a rag-tag group if there ever was one. We get the aforementioned grave-robbers (one old and one young), a dorky TV repairman (also our lead), a weird redhead, a senile doctor, a teenage girl and her brother. There are many other characters, but they are pretty much just there to be zombie fodder. Take, for example, the two other kids that go with our young hero. Both of them die and turn into zombies, the latter of which gets a role in the ending. Another character that gets a big role is a disembodied zombie head. Yeah, I said that. His role involves being stabbed in the head by a screwdriver, complaining about this treatment and somehow ending up at the site of the film's conclusion. How did he get there? Did he share a ride with the guy from Basket Case? After a lot of running around and yelling, our heroes flee in the doctor's car. They head to a hospital, since the two grave robbers (not from outer space) are feeling ill, since they were around the gas. Somehow I don't think that a hospital is the best place to go, guys. Then again, these are the same people who unwittingly call zombie hordes over to them two different times!

The movie dares to show you the anguish of turning from a human into a zombie. Oh wait, it just has one guy moan and complain for several minutes. The young man is more nuanced and attempts to give a rational explanation for why he needs to eat his girlfriend's brain. It is, well, odd and sort of funny. We also get numerous gore shots that are really silly. Take, for example, the man who is punched in the face by the redhead and it sinks in like someone punching a pumpkin. Another zombie gets his mouth around the same girl's hand, only for her to pull it off. The brief bit where he pulls his hand up to check on the result is priceless. After inadvertently kicking lots of zombie ass, the redhead decides to let her boyfriend eat her brains...and she dies. Thanks for coming, honey. Ultimately, our surviving heroes get trapped at the power plant and must rely on the kid to save the day. He turns on the power and zaps all of the zombies. The military show up and burn them, despite the pleas of the head. Seriously, how did it get there? The End.

This movie is not bad, but it is definitely not for everyone. It is bizarre, quirky and strange. It goes for horror at times, but mostly goes for curious laughs. They are usually not 'punch-line jokes' either- just weird moments that go unexplained. The closest they come to a normal joke is the bit where the one guy talks about having deja vu, since him and two of the others were in the original! The zombie effects are quite good, especially if you enjoy '80s prosthetic work. Personally, I would take that over crappy CGI any day of the week, so it pleased me. They absolutely revel in the ridiculous gore, from decapitations to body-splitting. The problem with the film is that it is hard to nail down. The glimpses of horror are immediately followed by physical comedy, which will just make people confused. The movie is not meant to be taken seriously, so just embrace it.

Next up, the sequel to a surprise hit about a woman and a plane. Unfortunately, it is not Airplane II. Stay tuned...

Syndicated Incorporated: Jack of All Trades

Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell have always been an eccentric duo that achieved great success. In fact, many times when the chance for a pairing has fallen through, the product was not as successful- i.e. Darkman. So, in the year 2000, after the success of Hercules and Xena, the pair made a new show...

This tongue-in-cheek show starred Bruce as an American spy who was sent to a tiny island that was ruled by the French. His job: to put a stop to Napoleon's occupation and end his global land grab. Teaming with a hot British lady, he takes on the mantle of The Dragoon, a Scarlet Pimpernel-like character. Okay, it is the Scarlet Pimpernel, albeit with Bruce's witticisms. In spite of being the only man with both an American accent and that damn chin, nobody figures out his dual identity.

The key to the show is its oddball nature. For example, the pair of heroes get information from a talking parrot with a French accent. One story involved Blackbeard (!) kidnapping Ben Franklin in order to have him make a super-weapon based on the kite. The coup de grace though is the casting of Verne Troyer as Napoleon.

Unfortunately, I used the word 'success' so many times in my header as ironic juxtaposition as this show failed to grasp an audience and got only one season. It did get a DVD release, which is more than I can say for Manimal.

Next up, an iconic barbarian as filtered through a low-budget action show in syndication. Will this be gory or god-awful? Stay tuned...

Eddy Woody: One-Million AC/DC

I almost feel bad writing about this movie. I mean, this movie represents the penultimate low in Ed Wood's life and career. In case you are wondering, the lowest point is actually appearing in porn. No, I'm not watching any of those movies! Let me put this film in the proper perspective for you. The movie's most recent- possibly only- DVD release comes as a two-pack with a film called The Mighty Gorga. This is an awful, low-budget rip-off of King Kong. In spite of that, I would rather watch that film than AC/DC, even if I was having my teeth pulled during the process! Even so, I have to close up the series of Ed Wood reviews somehow. This is going to be the Trancers V of the bunch, so check out my review of...

One-Million AC/DC

I almost feel ashamed describing the 'plot' of this movie. Claiming that this movie has anything close to a plot is an embarrassment to anyone who has ever written anything. In spite of that, I will go on. Basically, a bunch of cavemen live in the jungle and hump each other. On the plus side, it does not have a scene of horses humping each other like The Beast in Space. Of course, the people pretending to have sex on screen are not much better. The men look permanently-stoned or just out of it. The women are all anorexic and listless. As I stated in my original review of the movie, all eroticism goes out the window when you can 'count the women's protruding rib bones from space!' There is really not much more to the film than that, really. It's not like there is a terrible comedy hidden in this movie's dark, disgusting crevices. Wait, why is there a paragraph break here if I'm right?

*

I lied a bit when I said there was not any more to this movie. The film's other plot involves a dinosaur that is wandering around the area near them. The Elders take time away from humping women (not much, mind you) to select some champions to kill the beast. They send him away with a brief bit of poetry that is utterly awful and actually causes pain to listen to. Thankfully, Something Weird decided to put this as a stinger on every menu for the film. Screw you hard, guys! By means of some of the worst special effects of all time, they manage to defeat the beast, but not without some casualties. Oh and somewhere a horny ape gets involved. You know what, rather than write any more about this film, enjoy a collection of screen captures from it. At least you'll laugh at them.

So yeah, this movie is pure awfulness to the core. It's not erotic, it's not funny and it's not entertaining. It is just painful to watch. This is not a Stephen C. Apostolof film either, because that would at least make it interesting. Instead, this is by a man named Ed De Priest, an ironic name for a man who solely made porn if there ever was one. As I mentioned before, this is the period when Ed would do anything to pay for his low-rent apartment and booze. As such, he wrote screenplays like this, The Snow Bunnies and Five Loose Women for people like De Priest. In case your morbid curiosity overtakes you like it did with me, let me say this again: this movie is awful and should not be seen by anyone. I hope my sacrifice of sanity will help keep you safe.

*

Up next, an overlooked zombie classic creates a sequel that is only famous for its poster. How is the actual film though? Stay tuned...

Magical Moments of Cinema: Gettin' Lucky

The fact that I have neglected to review this movie so far amazes me to this day. Look for a review of it next year on the proper day for it. Ah well, I have plans for it today...

Basically, a nerdy guy has the hots for an alright 80s chick, but has no chance. Fortunately, he discovers a drunken leprechaun who can use his magic powers to help him. Unfortunately, he is a DRUNKEN leprechaun and can't do his magic right. This leads us to the most infamous moment of the film...

While trying to fix his bike, our hero wishes that he had a smaller wrench. The magic creature 'helps' him by shrinking him down instead. The girl rides off, but he is on her seat. As the trip goes, he ends up...in her shorts. If you ever wanted to see a woman be stimulated by a tiny man, this is your chance. By the way, they made a scale double for the 'giant landscape.' Best movie to be in the art department or worst movie to be in the art department- you decide.

Next up, I pay tribute to a movie that I love to hate. It has a little boy in a magic world, although it is not Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings or Eragon. It's...something to behold. Stay tuned...

The Real White Meat: The Flesh Eaters

I won't lie- this movie has no cannibals. However, it is a movie about flesh-eating bacteria, so I'm allowing it. More importantly, it is weird and obscure- my favorite! This is a quirky little film that is most notable for using Dutch Angles in a non-art film. Fun fact: the Dutch Angle is actually the Deutsch Angle, as in German Angle. It comes from German expressionist films, but we just grew too lazy to pronounce the 'e' and the 's.' By the way, if you don't know what a Dutch Angle is, just watch the Batman live-action show or Battlefield Earth. This movie is also considered one of the first gore films, sharing the prize with 1963's Blood Feast. Can this live up to H.G. Lewis' ode to Egyptian cannibalism? Find out in my review of...

The Flesh Eaters

The film revolves an aging and bitchy Hollywood starlet who needs someone to fly the shy assistant and herself to Provincetown. To do this, they need a big, tough male to pilot the plane for him. Our characterizations are not going to get any more subtle, so just go with it. Unfortunately, the plane ride of cliched characters is forced to land on a small island because of a storm. It could be worse- she could be a lazy bitch who hates everyone. Oh right, she is. Our trio runs into a fourth man, who turns out to be a scientist who lives on the island to do research. Plus, he has a German accent, so he can't be up to any good. I just hope his research is not secretive and that he does not get defensive when people ask him about it. Dammit, wrong again! Things get worse as mysterious skeletons start to wash up on the shore. In addition, the water has a weird glow to it. Oh no, they're in New Jersey!

*

Things start to escalate as the rope holding the plane on the island gets cut and the thing floats away. Our heroes finally figure out that the water is the culprit behind most of their troubles. As our villain explains in a monologue, he was a biologist sent to Germany to uncover their scientific processes. This brings up the controversial aspect of the film as the Nazi experiments were cut from the original release, but offered back on as a DVD extra. Anyhow, he wanted to create some killer bacteria to use in the military, but they said 'no.' Instead, he fled to an island and continued to make them in secrecy. Just think- his work would later go on to try and kill Dustin Hoffman in Outbreak. To make matters scarier, a beatnik shows up floating on a raft. Go away, Dobie Gillis! This character is sort of an odd addition and does not really add anything to the proceedings. Thankfully, the movie managed to hear me and killed him off. Thanks, movie.

*

The whole thing gets out of control as everyone realizes that the monster bacteria has to be kept in line. They come up with a good plan- electrocute it. Unfortunately, that sort of backfires and creates a giant monster out of the microbes. Needless to say, this is not a good thing. Fortunately, the crazy scientist does what all crazy scientists do and goes too far. His whole 'God complex' leads him to try and battle the monster himself. I'll thank your corpse later, buddy. In a bit of lazy writing, the monster is vulnerable to human blood, which helps our surviving heroes win the day. It's sad that people died, but at least it was the bitchy actress, the beatnik and the bad guy. The End.

*

This is a good movie, but also a quirky one. On one hand, the silly characterizations are fun and make the movie seem campy. On the other hand, however, the characterizations are so rudimentary that you feel insulted by them at times. In spite of that, the movie makes a great use of its real, outdoors setting. If you have ever been in the Cape Cod area, you have seen and/or been on an island like this. The sense of familiarity mixed with the suspense of a freaky monster works well. The movie's low-budget effects will either make you love it or hate it. Some of them hold up pretty well, while others stand out as just plain silly. If you like a bizarre, Roger Corman-style movie, definitely check this weird baby out.

*

Next up, the conclusion of my documentation of Ed Wood's fall from marginal success. How far can he fall? How about a sex comedy with cavemen? Stay tuned...

70s Trash- Hercules in New York

You can sometimes set your expectations properly just by reading a movie title. You get a movie called Frankenhooker (which I will when it is back in print) and know what to expect. In a similar way, this movie tells you everything you need to know. The bulk of the plot is solely built around the idea of the mythical Greek- or Roman here- character walking around the big city. In case you don't know, this movie is also the debut film of one Arnold Schwarzenegger. There were a couple issues at the time with casting him though. First off, that last name had to go. Good-bye Schwarzenegger, hell Strong. Secondly, that voice was way too hard to understands, so hello voice-dubbing...but only for him. Just to add to the weirdness, his co-star is a nebbish character actor named Arnold Stang- his actual name, mind you. As much as I want to stall, I can't put off my review of...

Hercules in New York

The story begins on Mount Olympus...in spite of the film being too cheap to give us an establishing shot of it...with Zeus having to deal with his half-God son. Basically, the guy is bored in Central Park...er, Mount Olympus and wants to go to Earth. The dad says 'no,' so Hercules...asks him 600 more times. Finally, dad gets so mad that he throws a bent piece of tin-foil...er, a lightning bolt at his son. No effect later and Hercules is seen falling alongside a plane window. To review- Hercules makes his dad mad by demanding to be allowed to go to Earth, so his dad blasts him to Earth. Our hero is picked up by a cargo ship and taken aboard. Being a mindless sack of meat, he proceeds to tell everyone that he is Hercules and should be in charge of everything due to his genetic background. He fits in really well. This only works because our sailor are so poorly-written that they just assume he is a Greek man, in spite of his thick Austrian accent. Plus, no Greek person I've ever met as ever looked that Aryan. Anyhow, he acts like a jerk to everyone. This is going to be a long film, isn't it?

*

Back on the shore, he picks a fight with the crew again and is pulled to safety by a small, Jewish man who sells pretzels. After a wacky bit with a cab driver picking a fight with the man who is a giant, knotted muscle, our jerk of a hero is given a tour of the city. They walk by a park and Hercules laughs at people training for Olympic sports like the discus. He decides to show them up, proving that he is not exactly a nice guy. Incidentally, I watched the 'un-dubbed' version, so I had to deal with Arnold's mumbled delivery, making this even more fun. A coach and his daughter scout him, although the idea of him being an Olympian vanishes faster than a bottle of HGH around this day's Arnold. After beating up her boyfriend twice, the woman falls for Hercules, based solely on his looks. Why is the bad Jewish stereotype the most reasonable character here? The first date with Hercules ends with the strongman battling an escaped bear- which runs on two legs for no reason. In case you had not guessed, this is a man in a suit that would look more fitting in a Conan O'Brien skit from 1998. All the while, the other Gods are watching Herc via a crystal ball. Thanks for grounding me, stupid cliches.

*

Back in Park Olympus, Zeus decides to pressure Hercules to come back. Mercury is sent down, but can't convince our steroid-ridden hero. Angry, the King of the Gods sends Nemesis down to take Hercules to Hades for 100 years. She is stopped by Hera, however, who makes her steal the man's strength. Around this time, Hades makes a big bet on a weight-lifting challenge between Hercules and a black strongman. Ah the 1970s, where variety shows could get away with featuring weight-lifting challenges. Bereft of his powers, Hercules fails to dead-lift a 1,000 lb bar, although the other guy does! That is still the most logical part of the film. Since the gangsters lost money by betting on Hercules, they chase him in broad daylight to kill him! This gives us the movie's signature chase scene involving two cars, a chariot driven by Herc, a man dressed like Tarzan and a hot dog vendor with a hand-full of sauerkraut. Wow, did I just write that? It all culminates in a badly-choreographed fight scene, which turns against our hero. Fortunately, Mercury turns the tide by sending in some back-up: Atlas and Samson. Wait, did I just say 'Samson?' Yeah, they went there. Our hero decides to return to Olympus and leaves everyone behind. The film ends with Zeus making the trip himself. The End.

*

Yeah, it's no wonder that Arnold tries to downplay this film. It's bad, mostly in an un-amusing way. Don't get me wrong- there are some laughs to be had. However, a good majority of them are built around Arnold delivering lines, so they're a bit hard to distinguish. To the DVD's credit, you can watch the movie in the original form, with Arnold dubbed in English, in French, German or Spanish. However, this movie is still a really badly-done comedy full of bad actors. Arnold looks the part of the muscular hero, but has an easier time passing a budget in California than attempting to act in this movie. He spends most of the movie being a jerk, which is supposed to be alleviated by one speech at the end. Why does he have so many friends? On top of that, the 'fights' are about as well-choreographed as your local backyard wrestling show full of stroke victims! That said, I don't regret watching this movie. It's a big pile of fluff that does not aim high. That's good, because they don't even get close to that.

*

Up next, a b-movie that combines beatniks, Nazis and Gilligan's Island. Stay tuned...

Great Moments in Race Relations: The Dick Tracy Show

This actually works on two levels, since the subject is also a very Forgotten 'Toon. Mind you, it is more 'hidden' than 'forgotten.' The reasons for that will be clear shortly.

The show is framed with the titular detective getting news about a crime. As opposed to, you know, doing it himself, he has an array of sidekicks do all the work. Damn internships! The following part explains why I include it here. These are some of his sidekicks...

Joe Jitsu: A tiny (as in about three feet tall) Asian man who speaks with an exaggerated accent and judo-flips guys while saying his immortal catchphrase- "So sorry! Excuse prease! Begging your pardon!" Yeah, that's not horrible. I should also mention that he was voiced by a Jewish man.

Heap O'Calorie: A fat Irish cop who had a penchant for stealing apples and just generally being jolly. Man, it's a good thing that I don't know someone named Mullins...

Manuel Tijuana Guadalajara "Go-Go" Gomez Jr: A tiny Hispanic man who ran really fast. On the plus side, they didn't make him lazy. On the down side, everything else!

I should probably mention that this show was made in 1961 before the Civil Rights Act was passed, shouldn't I.

Next up, a counterpoint to my earlier induction of Fu Manchu. It's not much better though. Stay tuned...

The Real White Meat: We're Going To Eat You!

This review- like Hell of the Living Dead- is actually a long-time coming. It was planned as a review for That Guy With The Glasses before I decided to switch to just doing lists there (as they got a lot more hits). In a way, I feel bad about doing this as We're is everything my site is about: a weird, obscure movie filmed in another country that makes no damn sense. The story is so odd that I find it hard just to write about. On top of that, the movie is about six different genres at once, making it all the more confusing. Even so, I had a good time watching it and you might too. This is...

We're Going To Eat You!

Our story begins with a pair of men wandering onto an abandoned island. Somehow, I think that this will end badly. Sure enough, a group of weird men in wooden masks attack them. This is where we run into one of the key issues of the film: there is no straight man. Both men act about as sane and logical as the black man in a minstrel show- not that I approve of those. At this point, you realize exactly what the tone of this movie is going to be: spastic. The story proper involves our hero- Agent 999- being sent to investigate a thief that vanished in the area. Gee, I wonder if these two plots will merge somehow. So our hero is a weirdo who does not exactly take life-threatening situations all that seriously. Somehow, I question how simple his investigation is going to be. It's not like the place is full of people that want to kill and eat him. Oh wait, it is. Have fun, Agent 999.

*

The movie just continues to get even stranger from here-on out. I know- that's saying a lot. Basically, it boils down to this...
-Agent 999 chases the thief.
-The duo gets attacked by cannibals.
-Agent 999 chases the thief again.
-One or more gets attacked by cannibals.
-A super-tall transvestite shows up for some reason. Don't ask me to explain it.
-More kung-fu and weird jokes, plus lots of cut-up limbs.

*

You'll have to forgive me for not doing a normal review, but this movie is just too damn weird for that! As I mentioned in my original review of this on Netflix, the movie needs to learn the meaning of the word 'tone it down.' The film has no straight man and simply throws weirdness at you like some sort of insanity machine-gun or a bizarreness catapult! Imagery like that is the kind of thing is what this movie has to offer and you will either like it or you won't. As for me, I was entertained throughout, even if I did not know what to think at the time. Looking back at it, I can't ask for much more than that really. So, in summary- weird.

*

Next up, a young Mr. Arnold comes to New York. Will this giant man fit in or will forced hijinks ensue? Stay tuned...

Forgotten Toons: Phantom 2040

As a young lad, I was a big fan of the comic strip The Phantom. I loved Defenders of the Earth (psst...I still do) and I was even a fan of the live-action movie from 1996. That thing really gets a bad rap, you know. So how did I feel when a new cartoon show came out? Well, I was confused when it turned out to be...

Phantom 2040

The show is an interesting idea, as it took the Phantom idea of fighting injustice and put it in a later time-period. It works off of the idea that the concept into a new setting. But it's also freaking weird as hell too. Why? Mostly the artwork...

Yeah, in case you can't tell, the artwork is done by the same people that did Aeon Flux. I really don't know why. It just makes the whole thing look very odd- stylish, but odd.

The show is pretty straight-forward. There is an evil corporate lady (voiced by Margot Kidder), her weird-ass son (plus his cat named after a poet), our hero, his African guide (who is a cyborg), his aunt and a weird white scientist guy. Due to the machinations of a shock jock (voiced by Mark Hamill), The Phantom is viewed as an enemy of the state and pursued by the cops. One of them is a young woman (voiced by The King of Queens' Leah Remini) who has a thing for The Phantom's alter-ego.

Yeah, they emulated Batman: The Animated Series a bit, although I don't recall Officer Montoya lusting after Bruce Wayne- just every other woman on the show did that.

In summary, it is an odd and stylish that is worth a look. The art-style is definitely going to be polarizing though. Give it a look-see.

Next up, a famous detective gets a job in the future...twice! Stay tuned...

Blockbuster Trash: Mirageman

I really should avoid movies that have the tag-line 'From the Creators of Kiltro' on the front, shouldn't I? This movie is a foreign import from over in Mexico and boy, oh boy, I wish they had just kept it to themselves! The film stars a rising up-and-comer in the kung-fu market. The man is legitimately-impressive, even though he could not act his way out of an imaginary paper bag. Now, to be completely honest, I have seen low-budget foreign superhero films before. Hell, I've reviewed one! The point is that I know what to expect and what level I should set them at. What I got here is not even close to those though! Unlike myself, the movie does not know what it wants to be. Think that I am exaggerating? If so, check out my review of...

Mirageman

The film begins by laying out the tale of some brothers who go through some hard times. By 'some hard times,' of course, I mean that their parents are killed and they are both raped. Don't worry- they don't show you that part. The important part is that we get two messed-up people. One of them is a large, loner that works as a bouncer at a nightclub, while the other is a teenager who is afraid to leave his room. By the way, the age difference here is dramatic. It does not make it impossible for them to 'be brothers,' mind you, it just makes it a bit silly. While out jogging, the older one runs across a home invasion and decides to intercede. He knocks one guy out and steals his mask. I get that you want to fool his partner, but you're 6'8 and muscular, while his partner is normal-sized and in a different outfit! He saves the day and one of the victims happens to be a TV broadcaster, who makes her story into the news. Channel 8 News- What Happens To Us Is What Really Matters! After the news breaks, the guy is told that his brother perked up...for some reason. Want to see a story go down-hill really fast? Read on...

*

The hulking man goes through a fashion montage that is apparently supposed to be funny. The key words are 'supposed to be.' In his ridiculous get-up (which includes a fanny pack!), he goes to stop a mugger. Fortunately, the guy spends about five minutes standing in an alley while our hero tries to get changed. The men go down in proper stunt-men fashion and our hero leaves a note at the scene. By the way, he does not hand-cuff them or call the cops...so presumably they were either dead or just walked away five minutes later. On his note, he leaves...his e-mail address. 'When you are in distress, get to a computer, send a message and hope I'm bored at work!' This actually works and he even gets a cyber-stalker named 'Pseudo-Robin.' Are you Robin or not?!? Mirageman's first mission (they used kitschy title cards, by the way) turns out to be a trap by a group of poorly-dressed gangsta stereotypes. Despite half of them looking to be about fifteen, our hero has no problem spin-kicking the crap out of them! Scenes like this are good, but few and far between. We are burdened with a sub-plot about the brother, one about Pseudo-Robin (who never shuts the hell up!), one about an evil gang and one about the reporter.

*

The best part is a bit where he has to go rescue the reporter from 'a gang.' What follows is a series of one-on-one fights that are actually good. The whole thing goes to hell when it is revealed to be a trick by the network to get him fighting on film. To make matters worse, he narrowly avoids death when he badly-infiltrates a hide-out of villains. Those villains: the Pedophile League. Did you just make 'pedophilia' into a joke, movie? He gets depressed, his brother gets worse again and he nearly commits suicide. Where's my fun action movie, guys? He is convinced to fight one more time and gets some real weapons. On his second attempt, he starts killing people with wrist blades or their own guns. Bi-Polar Theater, anyone? In the climax, he gets shot at by the head guy (the head pedophile, I guess) who only aims at the big metal gauntlets and not, you know, his chest! Our brave hero of the people decapitates the man and frees the girl, but gets shot by other villains. His death is a noble one...but he appears to be alive. Of course, only his crazy brother sees him, so maybe he still is. The End.

*

This could have been a good movie, but they royally screwed it up! The tone changes randomly from attempted-comedy to action to drama and back to action...for about a minute. I can't keep up with this movie. On top of that, most of those genres are done badly, save for action. The lead- other than not talking for nearly 20 minutes of the film- is a good fit for the role and does some legitimately-impressive feats of athleticism. What's not impressive about this whole thing is the acting. Even in the original Spanish audio, it is terrible. Who knows, maybe the dubbing would have helped! Speaking of unimpressive, I have to mention the man who played 'Pseudo-Robin.' Basically, picture a Mexican version of Patton Oswalt who is not funny and only drones on and on. The only good part with him is when he runs up to fight and is knocked out within seconds, never to be seen again. The bottom line: you are better of with most other kung-fu films or superhero films. This movie changes tone and story so randomly and has plot-holes that you could break a trade embargo through them! Complete and total fail.

*

Next up on the block, a film so strange and random that it could only come from China. If you ever wanted to see a kung-fu comedy/spy film with cannibals, this is pretty much it. Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Duel to the Death

Life can be hard, but at least you have your God on your side, right? Well, not if you are this poor Monk from my favorite ninja movie of all time.

If you have not read the full review, the plot revolves around the annual duel between China and Japan's best fighters. This draws in a lot of people, including the man who is today's subject.

In only his second scene, he is attacked by ninjas. Not just any ninjas though. They first appear as a giant ninja, turn into several sand-burrowing ones and finally one naked lady ninja, who throws a net on him. He spends the rest of the movie captured until he is released by our Chinese hero. This is where things start to look up...

The Chinese man refuses to go on with the duel and decides to leave with the Monk. To spur him on to fight, the Japanese man jumps up and kills the Monk! What did he do to deserve that?!?

Up next, some poor guys die in a Lambert film for...being somewhere, I guess. Stay tuned...

Eddy Woody: Orgy of the Dead

First off, this movie is not about necrophilia. There are many dead people involved, but there is no orgy that takes place. If you want to see that kind of stuff, look at the films Wood made even later that were actual porn. Today's film is actually about strippers...and that's pretty much it. I'll get into that in the full review portion. The other things to note are the bumping of Criswell up from narrator to lead actor & the confusion about the production heading. The movie is officially directed by Stephen C. Apostolof, also known as A.C. Stephens. It is supposedly produced by both Wood and Stephens & based on a novel- really- by Wood himself. When you see the film, you have to wonder how it was supposed to work as a novel. This bizarre piece of crap is known as...

Orgy of the Dead

The film begins with Criswell sitting up in a coffin and reading a monologue. But wait, you're saying, isn't that how Night of the Ghouls started too? Well, it's much different, dear readers. How? Well, it's in color! In addition, Criswell is wearing a Dracula cape. Is it the real one? There are disputes about that, actually, as one report has Bela being buried in that one. Did he? Did they? Eh, who cares? The film proper begins with a couple driving a car around a long, winding road. Oh no, it's the sequel to Manos: The Hand of Fate! No, it's actually some random people in a scene that makes the color idea look bad. Their 'car' is obviously a prop in a properly-Ed Wood black room, while the car stock footage is at light dusk at best. The man talks about how he is a writer for hire and does whatever people need him to. Too subtle, Ed! Their car crashes in what looks like the ending to a Toonces skit and they wake up in a graveyard. They are met by a group of weirdos, including vampire Criswell, a second-rate Vampire, a mummy and a Wolfman. How could is the make-up work? Well, we got a shot where the Wolfman laughs and you can see his neck when the mask stops at the bottom of his neck. Need I say more?

*

So where is this going? What evil plot do the monsters have? Well, I'll tell you, but you may not believe me. Basically, they want to bite our two heroes and turn them into one of their own. But, business comes later here. Instead of jumping right to it, the villains unleash a bunch of topless dancers in theme outfits. Yes, I did just say that. Most of the movie is about women in barely-there outfits that slow-dance with their breasts hanging out. How do I review this exactly? I'll give you a summary of some of the dancers...
-Hawaiian Dancer
-Mexican Dancer
-(American) Indian Dancer
-Skeleton Dancer
-Cat Dancer (with cut-outs for the breasts)
-Zombie Dancer (my favorite, for all the wrong reasons)

*

There is a little plot spliced in between these segments, but just barely. For example, the vampire woman says 'we need to kill them' and Criswell will say 'no, not yet.' If you can't get past the idea of topless women dancing badly, don't bother with this movie. One 'interesting' part has a women being taken off-camera and coming back as the Gold Dancer. Why? Why would you start to question this movie now? After all the talk about how 'they must kill them before the sun rises,' the villains fail to do so and turn into skeleton props. Our heroes just sort of leave and the movie ends. Thank God!

*

Say what you will about Ed Wood, but his original films never got this bad. In fact, the only Wood film before this to engage in any 'cheesecake' is Glen or Glenda, which has a whole segment added by the producers. How do I know this? Because Ed himself does not appear in the footage and it features a woman being whipped on a couch for no reason. I'd make a joke about that scene being a 'Big-Lipped Alligator Moment,' but this whole movie is one! This movie is clearly by Apostolof and suffers for it. Mind you, Ed can share some of the blame, since he wrote the original story and the screenplay adaptation. The only reason for this movie could be to show topless women...which is a noble one. I'm only kidding, by the way. It is a strange anomaly of a film that somehow has survived for the last 44 years and made it to DVD. Stuff like that is pretty rare, so I guess it should be preserved. For a look at how much lower Ed's career could go, check out Part 5 of my Ed Wood reviews on 12/15. It's...something.

*

Next up, kung-fu meets superhero film is a horrible mish-mash. It could have been good too! Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Terror Train

I won't necessarily say that Terror Train is a bad movie. I have not seen it all the way through, so that would not be fair. Now, that said, it can't possibly look like this...

What movie is this poster based on? If the movie looks remotely like that, then I definitely need to see it!

Next up, even more poster art from overseas that boggles the mind! Stay tuned...

WTF Finland?!?: Star Wreck

You know, I used to having nothing against the good people of Finland. That all changed when I saw this movie and now I realize just how much they suck. I should probably explain, shouldn't I? This is actually the sixth in the Star Wreck series, although it is the first one to be given a DVD release here. Gee, I wonder what would inspire a DVD release now? Hmm...I wonder. Another point of note is that this film actually was made in 2005, while the previous one was made in 1997. According to reports, it took them that long to get it made. Man, I haven't seen that much time wasted on a film since the seven years it took to make Eraserhead. Unfortunately, this movie has far more bad puns and bad blue (yes, they use that instead of green) screen effects. This is the foreign horror that is...

The film begins with Captain James B. Pirk (seriously) stuck on Earth. He explains in a monologue that they went back in time to save the world, but got stuck in that timeline. By the way, that is the most back-story you get in the whole movie, so, enjoy.

After a beating by some in-town thugs, he meets up with his two commanders- the 'robot' Info (seriously) and the alien Dworf (not kidding). They decide to just screw with the time-space continuum and remake their future society now. So much for the Prime Directive, huh? Their first stop: Russia. Their takeover of a nuclear power plant goes surprisingly easy as the men there are eager to be taken over by a new leader. Great Moments in Race Relations, anyone?

One semi-montage later, the men have impressed the Russian President by beaming into his office. It sure is a good thing that all of their advanced technology is not based on components that don't exist, huh?

Faster than you can say 'rushing the story,' our 'heroes' have formed an army of super-armed men and spaceships. Through a semi-clever bunch of newsreel-style storytelling, they have taken over the world and formed a space station. Never does anyone involved go 'hey, how come we are the evil dictators?' They travel around the galaxy in some surprisingly-good CG ships. How about you guys just focus on them and ignore all of this 'comedy?'

 Instead, we get scenes with Pirk hitting on the film's lone woman of interest and getting a video call while in the bathroom. That was a funny idea...in Spaceballs! In addition, the comedic character from the Russian scene becomes a second-tier one. Yeah, good call! He stumbles upon another ship in deep space and blows it up.

This leads Pirk to decide to explore new dimensions. Why? Because Earth is full of protesters and he wants to dump them somewhere else.

On the other side of the maggot hole (get it?!?), Pirk and company run into the space station from Babylon 5...er, I mean, a completely new idea. The place is run by an idiotic guy whose only joke is doing really long speeches that nobody likes. Our 'heroes' attack the station and nearly take over, only getting a break when they offer to let Pirk have sex with a woman crew member. He falls for the obvious trap and gets caught, just as reinforcements arrive.

This part would almost be passable if it only focused on the ship battles, but we are constantly 'blessed' with cutaways to Pirk and the dumb 'Russian.' Another space battle or three break out, which brings me to the dumbest jokes of the movie...that are also the most common. The 'phasers 'are called 'twinklers'...for some reason and the 'photon torpedos' are called 'light balls.' Blah, blah, blah...the ships all blow up and Pirk's ship crashes on Earth.

They end up in Hawaii, but in the Ice Age. Info agrees to run in low-power mode and fix the problem in 11,000 years. See you in five years for Star Wreck 7...if I get a lobotomy by then (UPDATE: They made Iron Sky instead). The End.

Oh dear God, was this movie bad! It made me yearn for the subtle, low-budget nature of Red Dwarf. Hell, it made me yearn for the 'high-end' effects in Cleopatra 2525! Maybe it is just that the stupid jokes did not translate properly out of Finnish. On second thought, why should I drag an entire language down with this crap? It has brief touches of cleverness, but buries them in so much mugging and over-acting! The movie's CG work was almost worth the long delay, but you could not say that about the writing! You had over five years and all you could come up with was a cross between the 'Mirror, Mirror' story and Babylon 5? Let's not even get into the random characters who are apparently supposed to be important, but the movie never addresses why. On second thought, let's do just that! Who is the lady on the ship? She's not from the future, but she just goes along with this whole thing? Who is the new villain who shows up with a super ship that is 'twinkler-proof?' This is not a kung-fu film, so you can't do that! This movie is all about doing things you should not do if you want to be entertaining. I'd tell you to not make a new film..but that's not going to help.  I think this expression encompasses just how I feel...

Next up, a classic Ed Wood film gets the Mondo Bizarro treatment. Who loves strippers? Who loves Criswell? Whoever does both is in luck! Stay tuned...

Great Moments in Stock Footage: Human Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy

If there ever was an example of how crippling the use of stock footage can be, it is this movie.

The majority of the film involves our lead actor recounting previous events to a group of people in a room. To make it sillier, a good majority of them were actually there!

So, why so much stock footage?

Because this is the FOURTH film in the series and they felt the need to pad the film out! That's right- most of the film is designed to tell you what happened in the other three films. Even the Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment can't make this film enjoyable.

On the plus side, I don't need to see the other films in the series now!

Next up, a tribute to a man who made a career out of stock footage. No, it's not Ed Wood. Stay tuned...

Mondo Trivia: The Gate II

*This film is apparently popular in France, as the DVD actually has an optional French audio track. Not only that, but the disc is marked with the French title as well! Viva La Gate II, apparently.

Who would have thunk it, huh? Stay tuned...

'80s Fun/Forgotten Sequels: The Gate/Gate II

Portals to Hell are like pretentious Nicholas Cage films, everyone has seen one. I mean, it's like 'oh, big deal- Hell is opening up and spewing its unholy contents upon the Earth. Whatever.' Seriously though, these films are two early ones to cover such a strange idea. To make things all the more interesting, both stories involve young people doing it without the aid of adults. How well do these films stand the test of time though? Can an obscure film from 1987 and its sequel compare to our modern fare? Find out in my two reviews, starting with...

The Gate

The film begins with a child (Stephen Dorff) who runs from his room and hides in his tree house, only for it to be struck by lightning and fall. Oh wait, this is all a dream...or a vision, since the tree was in fact struck by lightning that night. In the hole is a large chasm that draws the imagination of our young hero. His nerdy friend comes over and they discover a geode, which only makes them more interested. A strange sub-plot involves the boy's love of firing model rockets into the air. It's not like it's going to come into play in the finale...which it is. The parents decide to go on a trip and leave him alone with his sister. Faster than you can say 'I hate this cliche,' the girl has all her friends over for a party. Unless this turns into Slumber Party Massacre IV, it's a pretty unnecessary. Some spirits start to come out, but we don't actually get any monster effects for at least forty-five minutes. A monster film that dares to hold its hand close to its chest? Oh, the humanity!

*

When the monsters show up, they are pretty weird. Most of what you get are these tiny little creatures that actually resemble the tiny monsters from Subspecies. To make things stranger, these effects look better than the ones in that film, which was made four years later! The whole thing actually is based around a series of accidental events that are a bit silly. Then again, this is the reason that we get a giant four-eyed, four-armed monster showing up, so I can live with that. In a Rare Case, the battle between a young boy and a giant monster is very one-sided. My favorite part of the film is the sub-plot involving a metal band that apparently wrote the prophecy of the gate on their record insert! Thanks a strange deus ex machina involving a rocket, the day is saved. Mind you, the dog is still dead, so it's not all positive. The End?

*

This movie is good, but may not work for everyone. It is an 80s horror film, but it has no graphic murder, teenage sex or boobs. In addition, it is not built around introducing marketable villains to create a film series. Mind you, this does not always work- i.e. Neon Maniacs- but it was an interesting idea. As for the actual film, it is well-made, builds up properly and does not feature bad writing. We get some bad teenage cliches, but they don't kill the film. For 22 year old optical effects, they look damn good. Maybe you can get away with it if you put heart and soul into it? I'm just saying. Speaking of souls...

The Gate II: Return to the Nightmare

I bet you're wondering what has happened to Stephen Dorff's character right? Well, screw you, said the producers and they made the film about his nerdy sidekick. Sequel or sidequel- you decide! A few years later, things are not going well for our gangly hero. His dad- who was only hinted at, but not shown in Part 1- is a drunk and cannot get a job. In addition, he is bullied by two guys named John and Moe. He also is in lust with a girl who happens to be doing 'the old tongue-dance' with one of the two people he hates. In a questionable bit of logic, he decides to re-open the gate to hell, get a demon and use it to grant him wishes! Yeah, that is a good plan, dumb-ass! Fortunately or unfortunately, the bullies interrupt the ceremony to mess with him, but a demon still makes it across. It ends up in our hero's room and, one silly action scene later, it is placed in a jar. He begins to make wishes with it, including getting his dad a job and getting a sweet car. This helps him get close to the girl, so it's all win. When is the shit going to go down?

*

This proves to be an ironic choice of words, as everything they wished for turns into literal shit the next morning. Clean-up time is fun time, kids! Not only that, but his dad relapses and crashes a plane on the runway...which they did not choose to show us. The two thug characters from earlier discover the demon and decide to use it to grant wishes, apparently missing all the literal shit from earlier. They get scratched by the demon when it makes a break for it and begin to transform. Even the solace of a fancy bathroom in a French restaurant does not put a stop to the transformation. Our two heroes try to escape the now-mutated men, but end up getting sucked into another dimension! I mean it literally and not in the 'I'm going to send you to the next dimension' sort of way. A barrage of bad special effects are bombarded upon us before the hero manages to stop the monsters, at the cost of his own life.

*

Wait, that's too much of a downer. Let's just have our hero get out of his coffin and walk off, followed shortly by the two men. Ah, that's much more PG. The End.

*

Yeah, this movie is not exactly as good as the first one. It is not as terrible as its internet reputation makes it out to be though. The story is an intriguing one, although it is not executed in the best way. The acting...is about what you expect. Now, as far as the special effects go, what the hell happened? The ones in The Gate are actually good and this movie's (made three years later, mind you) are not. Shouldn't it be the opposite way? I'll give the film some credit for its interesting make-up work and monster design, but their optical effects are just god awful. Ironically, I saw this movie first, since the original film was out of print when I saw this movie in January. Now the original is available once again and the sequel is out of print. On the plus side, you are now free to watch the better film.

*

Up next, a parody film from another country that even I am surprised that I saw it. No, it's not good, by the way. Stay tuned...

A Couple Notes

A couple things have to be mentioned here, so let's get to it...

*I apologize for not getting my review of The Gate up yesterday. Work proved to be busier than usual and completely wore me out. I still managed to get my weekly blog out on That Guy With The Glasses though, which is not to say that I did not have a hard time getting it finished.

Don't worry- I'll make it up to you shortly.

*I'm curious to get some feedback on me putting my review schedule out there. Do you prefer it or do you like the mystery angle of 'what the hell is he going to cover next?' I figured that it was a good way to lure new people in...not that I've gotten a whole lot of them. Anyhow, let me know how you feel.

Oh yeah, stay tuned...

R.I.P. Spanish Wolfman

The world is bereft of another horror icon in the form of Paul Naschy. I was hoping that the report I was read was untrue, but there is too much verification. His impact on horror cinema will live on longer than you or me though.

As an aside, I should mention that the real monster here is pancreatic cancer. Not to downplay other cancers (they're all terrible), but this one has already taken Patrick Swayze and Dick Durock from us. Leave our iconic actors alone!

Whenever you think of him, just bark at the moon.