Thursday, March 30, 2017

Quick Reviews: The Cloth (2013)

Nearly 4 years after making fun of the then-recent Film's Cover, I finally watch the Film.  Joy.
In a Cold Open, 2 Priests try to exorcise the girl from the cover.  In the process, the Lead Priest dies.

That Priest- Danny Trejo.  He disappears after the first 5 minutes (save for one Flashback), so enjoy this out-of-focus shot of him to symbolize his importance.
The surviving Priest goes to this Calvin Klein Model to be his new helper, since his Dad used to be a part of The Cloth.  He's apathetic to it...but he does have abs, so...he's our Hero.
Eric Roberts again?  Cthulhu dammit!

On the plus side, he appears for 3 minutes here and then once more with no dialog later.  He has top-billing.
Despite not being on-board that much, CKM joins The Cloth and gets his sometimes-neat-looking outfit.

In case you were wondering, they did see Priest before they made this.
The duo fight against evil as a minion of Satan tries to clear the path for a gateway.

While they have neat IDEAS, they can't make good CG to save their lives and their Action Scenes are chopped to hell.  Paul Greengrass thinks that your shaky cam is too much!
Can they save the World from like 3 or 4 Demons and a Mini-Boss?  Can they make me not fall asleep halfway through?  To find out the answers (the 2nd is 'no' BTW), watch the Film.
Disappointing stuff.  Some Movies are just bad, while others are disappointing.  If I'm watching a Film called Blood Gnome (which I have), for example, I don't expect much in the way of quality.  If I'm watching a Film like this, however, I want it to be better.  It checks so many boxes in the 'This Sounds Cool as a Film' Checklist...but sucks.  For one, their CG is bad.  No matter how neat the Weapons may sound, the Effects suck.  Second, the Action Scenes are just hard to follow.  There is a general complaint on the Internet about overly-Edited/Cut Fight Scenes in Films.  While I get it, I'm less bothered by it than most.  That said, these ones are awful.  It is just sad.  Speaking of sad, the glorified Cameos of Trejo and Roberts.  I get it- you're making a cheap Film and can only get them for so much time.  If you are going to go that route, don't bill them so high.  At best, you can say that the people that released the DVD were responsible for this.  Regardless, The Cloth is an interesting disappointment that just doesn't work.  As for that silly Cover I mentioned years ago, it does occur in the Film...before she is shot 4 seconds later.
A Film that has promise, but no clear way to live up to it.  If this was in the hands of someone with money and more talent, it would be great!

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