Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Bob's Birthday Review: King of the Ring 1995

Last year, I watched a Short Film about a literal piece of shit.  Today, I watch a Show that is generally considered to be a piece of shit.  Irony?  I have covered many Wrestling Films- be them Horror Films with Kurt Angle, Horror Films with DDP or Action Films with The Ultimate Warrior-, but never a Wrestling PPV.  This is King of the Ring 1995, a very infamous WWF (at the time) Show.  Here's the basic set-up for you: Wrestlers battle in a Tournament and the Winner is crowned King.  They get a Crown, a Scepter and all that.  King of the Ring worked well for some in the past- like Steve Austin and Brock Lesnar-, but not so well for others- HHH and Billy Gunn.  Even someone who doesn't follow Wrestling in the 1990s knows Austin 3:16, an expression coined at 1996's King of the Ring.  Instead of that, we get...King Mabel, the 2 biggest Stars getting shafted, another 2 forced to hang around ringside and a House Show Main Event.  It is pretty bad.  To find out if this Show is as bad as many say, read on...
The man on the left is Razor Ramon (aka Scott Hall).  A legitimate injury forced him out of wrestling that night.  Don't worry- he gets to hang around at ringside all night though!

The man on the right is Savio Vega.  Due to Razor's injury, he gets to wrestle 4 TIMES on the Show.  No, he wasn't a big Star at this point.
Why does Savio Vega make it so far on this Show?  Well, he has the ability to make a guy do a Flying Nothing (aka jumping to get hit when you aren't doing a real move in the first place).

Seriously, what would this have been without his foot being raised?
In Tournament Matches (featuring Bob 'Spark Plug' Holly, The Roadie and Kama Mustafa), the Flying Nothing returns to cost Holly the win.
Don't worry- a big pair of Stars do appear on the Show.

The Hardy Boys open the door for the Entrances.  No, really.
The Show is just a big, slow grind with few good spots.  Here is a representation of how the Show feels when you watch it.
Pro-Tip: Take a Shot every time they mention Mabel's weight.  You'll either be too drunk by the end to care OR too amped up on Red Bull to notice how much of an anti-climax this is.
After winning the King of the Ring Crown, Mabel attacks Razor Ramon.  Since his rib injury is actually real (and not just kayfabe), he takes an...elbow to the face.
Don't worry- the second one will definitely hit his....never mind.
As if to highlight this whole thing, a man or woman with great aim manages to clock King Mabel with some trash during his Coronation Ceremony.  Good on ya, mate or matie!
This is not good.  Right off the bat, let me cover the good.  Bret Hart, The Undertaker and Shawn Michaels all wrestle here in their relative primes.  On top of that, Mabel has a few good moves.  Alright, now let us get to the bad stuff.  Hart is wrestling Jerry Lawler in a Kiss My Foot Match, so the quality is way down.  On top of that, it features two 'I'll Hold Him and You'll Hit- OOPS- Me' spots in five minutes.  Does Lawler ever learn?  Next, The Undertaker does his best with Mabel, but can't win his match due to a dumb, long-running Story with the Million Dollar Corporation.  This crap took up the first THREE MAIN SHOWS OF THE YEAR (The Royal Rumble, Wrestlemania and Summerslam).  Lastly, Michaels was booked to wrestle to a 15-minute Time Limit Draw against Kama Mustafa.  The best reason I could think for you to possibly do this would be to avoid having HBK lost to Mabel.  Would you do it?  Would he have said yes (as his reputation during this time is damn bad!)?  As a bonus, Ramon hangs out at ringside and Intercontinental Champion Jeff (ha ha) Jarrett is managing The Roadie (as he was eliminated by The Undertaker in the Tournament).  So with all this talent, you have Savio Vega wrestle 3x on the main Show and once before it (with the first Flying Nothing), The Roadie/Road Dogg go on twice and Mabel wrestle twice.  Damn.  King Mabel is not the worst thing they could have done, as he does get some legitimate heat and was at least a more mobile giant than Yokozuna (who loses via Count Out after previously winning in the same Tournament via Count Out) at the time.  In case you don't know, this leads to Mabel injuring WWF Champ Diesel, losing in a 7 minute Summerslam Main Event, losing in 1 minute to Diesel later and then legit injuring The Undertaker.

So yeah, this Show is bad.  At least it features some subtle plugs for their Sponsor though...
Happy Birthday, Bob!

I hope that this was worth sitting through another version of Hard to Be A God in July.  :-)

1 comment:

  1. On the bright side, there's more bright and cheery colors than in "Hard to Be a God."

    ...the version I watched is actually on Netflix right now, by the way. I considered giving it to you, but decided this was less cruel. Slightly. :-P King of the Ring 1995 doesn't have quite as much existential, all-consuming despair, though I'm sure it gets close.