Friday, March 24, 2017

3,300th Post Special: The Corpse Grinders 3

It isn't insulting to the dead if they only signed off on it.  Today's Film is The Corpse Grinders 3, a 2012 Film 'inspired' by Ted V. Mikels.  Unfortunately, 2016 was a bad Film for old Exploitation Directors with famous initials in their name- e.c. Ted V. Mikels and H.G. Lewis.  As such, I'm in even less of a rush to cover Mikels' last couple of Films.  Given the works before it, they are probably going to suck no matter when.  Here's the good news: he only signed off on this one.  He has no Writing or Producing Credit- just one for the Story.  If you don't know Corpse Grinders, here's a refresher- people make cat food out of people.  The first Film features a Doctor and Nurse investigating strange cat attacks tied to a Cat Food Company.  In the second Film, there are Cat Aliens and all sorts of other crap.  In this one, a Remake.  Basically, some guy apparently bought the rights to make a new Film, called it the '3rd' Film and now I suffer for it 5 years later.  This is basically the 'everyone agrees that it is shit' Version of the new Evil Dead.  Manolito Motosierra (really) is on-board to just sort of coast through with a Remake called a Sequel- joy.  To find out how much I suffer for you, read on...
Lotus Cat Food is apparently made and sold in a tiny Village in Spain now.  Maybe they explain this...but do you really care?
They get some bad press after someone related to the food dies.  Thankfully, someone was nice enough to add the headstone engraving via terrible CG.
This new guy- who is one part Gustavo Fring and one part Keith Ellison- is an Investor to help them grow.  They get a new (mostly-fake) machine to make food faster.

Yes, before he came, two guys were grinding and canning all the food by hand!
This apparently makes all the Newspapers.  Does this qualify as The World's Slowest News Day?
They get into a ruckus with a lady and she ends up getting sucked into the machine.  Shocking.
This Cat loves it, so why not just keep making more of it?

In the last Film, the murderous people got RICH off of this with zero consequences, so go for it!
The cats go crazy, which escalates from random scratching to apparently a herd of them killing this guy under his bed.
"Hey, we only have 25 minutes left- let's introduce this Detective!  He will be"
Speaking of suddenly important, this lady shows up to help the dorky guy who has kept popping up.  The whole climax of the Film involves killer cats, Bikers and this mysterious (always in shadow) creature that emerges from the machine.

If any of that sounded interesting, it wasn't.  The End.
Recycled disappointment.  Why Remake this Film?  Why call it a Sequel if you are going to re-make it?  The whole thing is just a dumb, silly mess.  The original Corpse Grinders is a schlocky-Classic, but it still wasn't good.  The Sequel is utter rubbish, somehow looking cheaper and more ridiculous when it was made in the 2000s!  Why did we need a 3rd one at all (regardless of how it turned out)?  It is not a deep, complex Film that somehow needed this much attention.  The Story is simple enough, so, of course, they muck it all up.  Basically, it is a bunch of awkward Comedy and terrible Acting.  The Film is only 80 minutes long (with Credits), but it feels 2x as long.  I saw it.  You don't have to.  This one is just plain bad.  Unlike the Director below, I have many Comments...
Next time, Poe gets another disappointing Film with his name slapped on it.  Can we just bury this one alive?  Stay tuned...

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