Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Ponytail Crap: (Mercenary:) Absolution (2015)

Yep, it is Seagal time again!  Today's Film is Absolution, a 2015 Action Film from the once-respected Actor.  He hasn't been the Lead in a Film that played in Theaters for over a Decade.  There is a reason.  He just doesn't care.  For an Action Star, he doesn't do even the bare minimum of what you expect.  He has a Stand-In and a Stunt Double in this one!  The guy doesn't even do his own ADR most of the time, leading to some hilariously-bad stuff.  At this point, it is too late to get anything great out of him.  To keep the low expectations and 'same old, same old' going, consider the Director- Keoni Waxman.  While not a very bad Director (the Films are alright-looking), he has made- wait for it- 8 Films/TV Shows with Seagal.  He has two Films in Post-Production according to IMDB.  Guess who is the Star of those Films.  Yeah.  The man has 22 Films as a Director, so nearly half of his Films are ones with Seagal in the Lead!  Holy crap!  On the plus side, they realized that they needed someone to actually do the interesting stuff, so we get Byron Mann here to do actual Kung-Fu and get beat up.  Yes, Seagal takes no blows at all- is that a SPOILER at this point?-, so Mann has to take 2x as many as normal.  The Story know know what, do you care?  Let's just jump right in...
As the Credits roll, a woman is beaten and killed by a masked man.  That's not the real torture...
Seagal is here playing- say it with me- a Government Operative- that is hired to take out an Afghani National in Eastern Europe.

Say what you will about Seagal Films- and I intend to-, but they don't hide where they are shot.
Seagal and his partner- Mann- do the job and wait for their extraction.

In the meantime, they go to a Bar and Seagal exposition dumps about how he was awesome and how Mann works for him out of a life debt.  Hey Seagal- he was there!
After talking about how he's great and helps people, Seagal does just that and helps the woman who fled from the masked man (Vinnie Jones).

As he explains in some lame narration (at least it is him!), he wants to do one good thing in his life.
So here is where things get tricky.  Try to follow along...

Seagal's Boss hired him to kill the Afghani to cover up info on Jones.
A different guy is going after the blond, since she has a tape of the incident.
That guy's boss is Vinnie Jones, even though the man works at the U.S. Embassy.
Jones' employee calls Seagal's Boss and now wants him to turn on Seagal.

Confusing enough for you?
With everyone gunning for Seagal, you can guess what happens.
Can Seagal and Mann survive with all of these people trying to kill them?
Of course they can, so that's not a SPOILER.

Since I'm out of things to talk about, enjoy this shot of Seagal...
...and this shot of the Juggernaut (bitch).  To find out how it all plays out (if you can't guess), watch the Film.  The End.
Pretty by-the-numbers stuff here.  Ever think about that expression?  A 10-second Google Search tells me that it dates back to a Revolutionary War Training Book for Soldiers.  See- I thought it was based on those Coloring Books where each section was numbered and you were supposed to match the Colors to the Numbers.  I was wrong.  What is the point of that tangent?  It is pretty much what talking about Seagal Films does to you.  They are so devoid of general interest and appeal that there isn't much to say.  The Film has Seagal using a double for minor things like going through some doors and a different double for doing such strenuous things as kicking four inches from the ground.  He seems to do most of his ADR this time, so that's a plus.  On the negative side, all of those things I just mentioned.  On top of that, his plan to cover-up his trouble area (the whole head area) now involves a goatee, glasses (for the bags under his eyes), a dyed black goatee, buttoning up as high as possible and flipping the color of his coats.  Just use a treadmill or talk to Oprah, man!  In spite of all this, he has up to 3 Films coming out this year (including one with RVD!), so my work is not yet done.  Let's see if the Barbara Walters Filter will help...
Next up, an Action Film that comes to us from Russia.  In Soviet Russia, I make outdated reference.  Stay tuned...

1 comment:

  1. I've seen this. Because I'm a masochist. It was alright.

    I have a disc with a couple Seagal movies. A cheapo from Walmart. I watched one and there were a good number of scenes where it wasn't his voice. It wasn't even close. Now I know why. In fact, I think his first lines were someone else's voice.

    I've seen a couple that seem to be a series where he's a cop in Seattle or something.

    Have you seen Deathgasm/Heavy Metal Apocalypse? I enjoyed it.