Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Recent Flix: Hard Ride to Hell

Since I haven't been in a Cannibal mood lately, here's some DTV Crap!  Today's Film is Hard Ride to Hell, a Movie that sounded like a major rip-off, but was mostly-unique.  It still wasn't really all that good, but it was different.  Yea?  This not-so-notable Film is about a Satanic Cult, some Bikers and Miguel Ferrer- all at once!  This won't be the only Film with Miguel Ferrer this week- probably a first.  On first reading, the Plot seems to be *exactly* like Race with Devil.  Thankfully, it isn't so transparent (in that non-Emmy-winning way).  On the plus side, since so few of you know/have seen this one, nobody is going to get mad at me for making fun of it.  To find out if this is truly evil or just some Goth kid, read on...
In a color-corrected opening, an old man and his grandson are confronted by a demonic lady, who is stopped by a Biker (Ferrer).

He rides a Horse though, so...confusing.
Some unstated time later, a group of random people are riding through the desert in an RV.  They see a bloody wreck and don't report it since...reasons.
The group- which includes the Token Black Friend- run across this random Salesman, who is sure to not be important later.
That night, Token Black Friend wanders off and sees a Satanic Cult led by Ferrer.  They kill some ladies before fate decides that he must be chased.
As the Film turns away from being a rip-off, our heroes are caught by the gang and one is killed.  Time for back-story?
We finally get some when the Story brings us to a Priest- the now-old-kid from the intro- who tells us everything.  Holy Black Cobra, Batman!

It has apparently been like 60 years since the Intro.  Thanks for the total lack of Time Card, Movie!
Hey look- that guy from before is now the Main Hero!  What a twist!
Since I'm not a total dick, I won't SPOIL the whole Film.

Hey look- Katharine Isabelle!  You were good in Ginger Snaps and....Ginger Snaps.
Will Miguel Ferrer and his bad-in-close-up eye scar win the day or will good triumph?  The End.
Damn, this one is pretty lame.  It all sounds great, right?  Satanic Bikers chase random people and try to give birth to the Anti-Christ.  What is the deal with Satanic Bikers, by the way?  Is it just that we generally dislike Bikers (see South Park) and think that they must be evil?  This Film also reminds me of how disappointing Werewolves on Wheels (also with Satanic Bikers) was.  Where was I?  Oh right.  That's a key issue with this Film- it is so forgettable.  They try at times.  It has Nudity, random violence, human sacrifice and Nudity.  Even so, I just...just didn't care.  You might.  Here are boobs censored in a funny way...
Next up, I finally get done with Twin Peaks like everyone else did.  23 years later, am I going to be as mean as those dicks at Cannes?

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