Friday, June 19, 2015

New Crap: The Coven (2015)

On the plus side, the Cover is a lie.  On the negative side, the Movie still isn't good.  Today's Film is The Coven, a 2015 Horror Film previously covered for their generic Cover Art that led me way down the Rabbit Hole of Witch Films.  Scary stuff.  The Actual Film is is not.  It is that weird mix of boring and ridiculous that never quite works out.  The Story involves some British Teens that go into the Woods to celebrate Halloween.  I guess they can't go to Theme Parks to be jump-scared by people in licensed Costumes out there.  As you probably guessed, this leads to something involving Witchcraft.  It is both too subtle (in that no much actually happens on-camera) and too direct (explaining everything to 'the back of the room').  Make sense?  This one really reminds me of that unlicensed Night of the Living Dead Film that ended up released...even though it was an unrelated, low-budget Zombie Film from the UK.  Not good for you, Movie.  To find out about this Film (without major SPOILERS) and possibly avoid wasting your time, read on...
The Film does some good foreshadowing involving this big, scary flame.

The problem: it is completely-wasted on this Film.  Oh well.
In England (don't ask me where), these girls are learning about Wicca right before Halloween.  Makes sense.

Their Teacher tells them about real incidents, while also saying that Wicca isn't necessarily evil.  Every person in the Movie is though,
Shockingly, telling a bunch of Teens about a Coven that they can't go to THE DAY BEFORE HALLOWEEN makes them want to go.

If he was evil and this was his trap, this might be more logical.  He's not.
They find the spot- after hopping an unguarded fence- and decide to Camp out.  Yeah, I'd sleep next to this...
So the Film at this point breaks down to three things....

1. The Girls staying out in the Woods and nothing happens.
2. Two Guys wander into the Woods.
3. An unseen person on a Motorbike drives around in random POV Shots.
Is this scary?  No.  Alright then...
This lady- Ms. Belial (really!)- spends the whole Film trying to look menacing while Gardening, but mostly just looks like the crazy lady from Troll 2.
If you are in the Woods, should you still go into the light?
I won't SPOIL what happens, but I don't think that she is going to like it.  The End.
If a Witch falls in the Woods and nobody is around to hear it, am I just plain bored?  Wow, this one was just...yawn...dull.  I was actually kind of disappointed that this wasn't the rip-off The Craft that it was sold as.  That would have at least been interesting.  In this case, the Film just wasn't exciting.  At all.  I didn't have high hopes for this one, to be honest, but I was still disappointed.  If not much happens in your Film, you should at least care about the Characters.  Nope.  Well, maybe the Setting can be interesting to carry the Film through.  Nope.  Okay- how about a simple Story that is at least easy to follow?  Yeah, not so much.  The Editing butchers the Film by throwing all sorts of random flourishes, cuts and indecisiveness about what Story to follow.  They really thought all this was good, huh?  Let's just all agree that there are minor moments here that work...but that's about it.  While I'm giving advice, you may want to get those checked, lady...
Next up, let's have a taste of Lovecraft.  After all, every Lovecraft Adaptation has gone great!  Stay tuned...

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