Thursday, February 3, 2011

Project Terrible: Bone Sickness

It's rare that I can direct so much towards someone that I barely know.  Guess what- that time has come!  Zach at Z for Zombies- you're going to get it.  Thanks to him, I watched today's movie- Bone Sickness.  Wow, did it hurt!  If you like zombie films without a real plot or any coherence, you're in luck!  Like nearly all of my Project Terrible films, the movie has almost no budget.  It tries to make up for this by putting lots of fake-looking gore on the screen.  It's kind of a like a kid yelling at you in another room to distract you from finding the mess they made in a different room.  It doesn't work for little Billy and it doesn't work for this movie.  Let's just get this turkey over and done with.  Don't go to your Witch Doctor when you have a case of...
The movie is about zombies, so we get them!  Context- not so much.  The actual film begins with a doctor, who looks like the cousin of TV's Frank.  He's apparently doing some other work on the side that's a bit nefarious.  Speaking of which, zombies kill a guy in a graveyard.  A policeman investigates this, but it goes about as well as the police sub-plot in Knight Chills.  This one at least gets a little resolution.  Enough about that, let's watch 'Not Frank' pull a McRib out of a guy's torso...
 The over-arching plot involves a sick guy being taken care of by his girlfriend.  What's he got?  The movie is kind of vague, but it's definitely not good.  The girlfriend has been talking to 'Not Frank' and he's got a cure.  Well, it's not so much a cure as it is a placebo.  It results in the guy vomiting up worms...and then eating them, so maybe it's not that great.  Hey look- the worst zombie this side of Return of the Living Dead, Part II!
One thing this movie loves more than zombies- boobs.  There are a number of pointless, T&A shots here.  Some involve the girlfriend, while others involve women who are ancillary to the plot.  I should put up some shots of that to get more hits, but...more zombies.
Since the plot is so dull and scatter-shot, I'd rather focus on the most inept woman I've ever seen in a zombie film.  She puts on a bikini- in front of the camera- and goes out for a 2 in the morning.  A zombie somehow gets in her pool and surprises her.  She swims two feet to the edge of the pool and jumps about 3 feet to the nearby ground...
This tiny drop causes her severe pain and stops her in her tracks.  Sid Vicious could make that jump unharmed.  Hell, Mr. Glass could do it.  On top of just hurting her, it...
Shatters her leg.  Seriously?  Did you get Boneitis all of a sudden?  What the hell?!?  That's a stupid reason to have your slow-ass zombies catch someone, guys!
At this point, I had pretty much given up all hope of this movie being redeemable.  Here's what I picked up while skimming for anything interesting.  Our lead actor eventually turned into a full zombie.  Why?  The doctor guy was cutting up corpses and feeding the flesh to him, since that apparently was curing his cancer.  I could see how that would work, given that zombification usually kills all of your organs!
 A bunch of zombies rise up and wander around the town.  One poor SWAT guy is left to take them down, since the detective and his acne scars meets a bloody end at the hands of our now-zombie hero.  All hope is lost, I guess.  I was, of course, talking about the hope of this movie being redeemable.
On the plus side, we get a random scene where the girlfriend stumbles across 'Not Frank' with a naked lady's body in the basement.  How did the police not catch you again?  Sadly, I still don't care.  The End.
Better anything than being in this movie!  The plot is...stupid.  That's a good word for it, I think.  Zombies rise from their graves because a fat guy with oddly-long hair is digging up corpses as part of his cure for cancer.  I feel dumber just by virtue of writing that sentence!  The film is hurts.  The acting is terrible, the direction is lazy and none of it feels worthwhile.  It's amazing that Project Terrible brings me so much trouble and turmoil, considering that it was my idea in the first place!  I haven't felt pain like this since Hobgoblins 2 or maybe Please, Don't Eat My Mother.  Ultimately though, those movie have something that makes them memorable- the weirdly ret-con plot of Hobgoblins 2 and the forced inclusion of porn in Mother- while this one does not.  It has a shit-ton of fake-looking gore though.  Kudos for trying to make that stuff look good, but maybe you should try to make a good movie first.  I wouldn't be mad at Lawrence of Arabia if they re-used extras or something.  Not everybody that can make gore effects can be a film director- nor should they.
Up next, Rare Flix is back without Angelina Jolie.  In her place, a redhead, the guy from Waxwork and the guy from House as a stuttering robot.  Stay tuned...


  1. Everyone I tell this movie about that watches it has the same effect. Thanks for the indulgence, really fun piece.

  2. I'm glad that you enjoyed my pain. :-)

    I look forward to watching you suffer through Snoop Dogg as a horror-heavy.

  3. Surprisingly, this has a huge underground following, but I dont know how. For a $0 budget zombie flick, I guess there is some OK gore, but the film is just shitastic.

  4. The only way that I would follow this film is with a pitchfork and torch in hand.

    Screw this movie!

  5. My only that I have boneitis!

    I've been on the fence about watching this one. I think I'll pass.

  6. Skipping this movie will be the best decision since you make all year!

    That needs to be on the DVD box. I doubt that they have anything better to put on it.