Instant Trash: Troll 3 (aka Ator 4)

What exactly are the requirements to be a Troll sequel?  The second film does not feature the titular monsters, while the first Troll 3 features killer plants.  This one features Ator and three of the things from Troll 2.  Yeah, that is doubly-untrue!  This is actually the fourth film in the Ator series, which is kind of a mess in its own way.  The first two films feature Miles O'Keefe and were directed by Joe D'Amato to make some money off of the backs of the Conan franchise.  When it was announced the no more Conan films would be made, Joe sold the rights to the series.  What was the point, he figured?  A third film- Iron Warrior- was made and it also starred O'Keefe.  For some unknown reason, D'Amato was upset at the film that he made this film & called it Ator III: The Hobgoblin.  Oh yeah, Miles O'Keefe is not here- I wonder why!  The film is more famous, however, due to a German- and subsequent International- VHS release calling the film Troll 3.  I say all of that to distract from one key point: this movie is terrible.  All of the history of it is far more interesting- and coherent- than the actual film.  Even so, I already committed to this review.  Get out your map and bifocals as we go on a...

The film begins with a thin Opera singer lady running through the woods towards...something.  We see Prince Ator- who is now played by a pasty Eric Allen Kramer- overseeing the trial of some rapists and murderers.  He allows them to fight for their freedom, but his giant sword kills that.  Immediately following this, he talks about how he foresaw his own death and tells his wife that his son- also named Ator- should get the sword when he turns 18.  Keep track of that number later.  A man in armor shows up to kill Ator (the older one) when the woman shows up.  He tells the guy/God to not kill Ator, but he does anyways.  Why did you come then?  The sword breaks by Ator's hand- somehow- and the man turns into...one of the guys from Troll 2.  Weird.  We jump ahead 16 years to find...adult Ator played by the same actor.  Yeah, DNA doesn't work that way.  Plus, he's not 18.  He's told via flashback how her mother went to see Grendel...who is another troll/goblin suit guy.  She explains that he wants him to raise Ator (why?), re-forge the titular sword and allow her to die because...um, late-onset Post-Partem Depression, I guess.  No, it's actual a plot point about how wives of royalty can't outlive their spouses.  Ugh.  He agrees and gives her a poison, but it actually makes her 'do him.'  In the present, Ator is pissed.  Can't you tell?

Ator is given the sword as a present from Grendel and proceeds to try and kill the guy.  Random.  The sword breaks, revealing it to be a fake.  They don't say why his head is regular sword-proof, but whatever.  The next night, Ator pretends to sleep as the guy pulls out another sword.  He goes to use it, but it's also a fake.  Blinded by a spell, Ator bumbles around in the cave alone until he finds the real one.  Still broken, he reforges it...thus nullifying the whole point of Grendel, who he subsequently kills.  He is guided to a bit of treasure by the lady from before, but he must go in alone.  He faces off with...a two-headed robot that gets stuck in a corner and split in half.  The next creature is a walking Godzilla thing, but that does down too.  He finally gets to his goal: the prison of the woman from the beginning.  He's apparently in love with her and frees her from her 'prison of fire'- which is just an open room.  She awakens with a kiss, but this causes stock footage of a volcano to appear.  They run as...the Partenon falls.  Why am I wasting my time with this?  Screw it- The End.

*For full reviews (in video form), go here or here.

I don't care what title this film has- it sucks!  The plot of this movie is about as confusing as it could get!  I mean, it involves a different-looking Ator...who dies within the first ten minutes.  We jump ahead over a decade to meet a second Ator to tell the main plot with.  Throw in a random lady who is made out to be important- but isn't- and a bunch of 'trolls' that serve almost no role in the overall story.  As a bonus, the main villain appears in the beginning and doesn't appear again until the End.  He does nothing!  Oh yeah, since this is a D'Amato film, Laura Gemser is here too.  It only makes sense, since she did design the Troll 2 costumes originally!  The whole thing is a mess, since it's apparently a remake of the original film...except that it barely addresses any of the plot details from that film.  Throw in the silly musical cues, random robots and stock footage & you have a real mess of a film.  The only good bits of (unintentional) humor involve Grendel and his theme music.  Whenever he goes on screen, the music stops and turns into his silly tune.  That's some serious editing!  The whole thing is too much for most of you to handle, but feel free to challenge yourself with it.  The best thing you can do: watch the MST3K version of Cave Dwellers (aka Ator 2).  It's the most fun, after all.

Next up, I bring you a film that's actually good!  Of course, it's still crazy, irreverent and meta as hell.  Stay tuned...
Quest for the Mighty Sword [VHS]