Project Terrible: Slices (2009)

Why make one shitty movie, when you can make five?  The people behind the anthology film Slices seemed to think that way.  This Terrible movie is not exactly a hit with anyone, but it is on Instant Viewing via Netflix.  It's also good to know that a piece of shit movie is just a few clicks away!  So what is the film about?  Basically, a guy is up all night (not be confused with the USA Network block) and watches a crappy late-night show.  The host is the most cliche guy ever.  On the plus side, this sets your expectations to the appropriate level for the film to come.  If you think that you have the guts, sit down and have a couple of...

After a quick set-up of the framing device, we get the host explaining the gist of the premise for the first tale.  Immediately following that, we get some text explaining it in even more detail.  We get it!  Basically, there's a company that keeps the U.S. population at exactly 300 million people.  I don't have the math to back this up, but I would think that you would need to kill hundreds of people a day- at least!  The boss goes down to a staffer and bitches about how he doesn't have his list of people to be killed today.  Later, he goes home, only to be attacked and kidnapped.  An unseen man shaves his head- to keep him from transmitting to his alien people?- and tortures him.  This goes on for a very long time- actually only a few minutes or so- until the man reveals himself as one of the Exterminators that keep the population down.  He explains that the man has no worth and kills him.  That's it.

Not in this movie

The next story is a bit stronger in theory, but about the same when it comes to execution.  A sad, old man mourns the loss of his wife...two years later.  He was once a famous author, but refuses to write anymore.  However, he discovers a way to make his written words into reality.  The film randomly turns into claymation for about three seconds at a time and back again, with nary an explanation given.  Eventually, he invites his agent over for dinner and shows that he can reanimate his wife...or can he?  The movie can't decide, so I won't either.  In the end, he reveals that his wife and agent had an affair, so he punches the agent out, causing him to fall into the pool.  Resolution?  No?  Alright then.

Not in this movie

The third film is another confusing yarn.  Only this time, it's about a vampire.  The pacing is so haphazard that I can barely muster any interest.  A woman shows up in the house occupied by two couples and starts killing them.  An old man shows up, reveals himself to be the lead guy's father and shoots the vampire- who is also his daughter.  This one also just stops as we see the guy out in the field, now a vampire.  Yeah, you could have stopped her from biting him, but you were too busy...not doing that, I guess.

Not in this movie either

Our fourth tale involves cowboys, zombies and a lot of ancillary actors.  About 30 different people appear in a number of random filler moments until zombies show up.  These people only exist to serve as food and, subsequently, more zombies.  The remaining people shoot the zombies...but one of them isn't dead.  That's all the closure we get here.

Not even this

Our final tale is foreshadowed of one about love gone dark.  Of course, that is a total lie.  Basically, a guy and his girlfriend go out to the woods with their shared friend.  Oh no- Zombie Campout flashbacks!  This time, the couple split away from the girl & get captured by a weird, old man.  Who is he?  They never say.  He makes the pretense of having them choose who will live and who will die...but he just kills them both.  The lack of shots of them after the slashing is a great sign of the minuscule budget.  The third girl battles the man and kills him.

The framing device ends with a killer showing up at the house of the guy watching the horror show.  That was pointless- thank you.  The End.

Nope- not here either

This is not a Slice of Heaven!  The plot(s) of this movie(s) are not good.  Most of them are either generic or convoluted.  As a bonus, some are both!  When you think of horror anthologies, you think of monsters, frights and surprises.  Instead, we get torture, a dumb vampire and an Indian zombie.  None of these are good.  It would almost be one thing if a single segment was decent- not happening.  Hell, I could almost recommend it if the Framing Device was good- wrong again.  There are no redeeming qualities here.  The only good thing I can say is that I didn't waste an actual rental with this one.  Hey, remember when I promised to make you suffer after Zombie Campout, Carl?  Consider it doubled.  To quote a famous song, 'You're going to hurt like I hurt.'  Deep-hurting.  De-ep hur-ting.

Not even close

Next up, a film about aliens is sure to delight.  Unfortunately, this film has no actual plot and a budget that couldn't cover the cost of a foot-long sub!  Stay tuned...