Braiinnnn Dead: Zombie Wars

How many zombie films do we need?  Thanks to a guy named George A. Romero, every guy with a bunch of friends and a nearby wooded area thinks that they can make a zombie film.  These films make me yearn for the Poverty Row days of White Zombie!  So which one of the 600 Direct-to-DVD films will I be reviewing? Zombie Wars tells the tale of a small society- very small, in fact- of people who have survived for 50 years since the zombie apocalypse occurred.  Why show something when you can just say that it happened?!?  I should note that this film was Written, Directed and 'Cut' (their description, not mine) by David A. Prior.  For those who don't know, he's the man behind a lot of bad, '90s action films- many of which featured David Carradine.  This is the man behind both Future Force and Future Zone, people!  Put away your bullet-proof meat vest because we're going to join the...

The film begins with some zombies leading a group of women through the forest.  Okay, that is a bit different. Two guys we don't know anything about show up and kill the zombies, taking the women back with them.  This is either going to be a Gor tale or something very different!  We also see two random guards at a gate- they won't show up again until an hour from now.  As we're told via exposition, the zombies raise people on farms to grow up as food.  Good- your film is reminding me of Good-Bye, Uncle Tom.  That's just what I needed.  I'll get into this plot thread more in the second paragraph, so don't worry.  The remaining humans live in camps around the area.  Well, they do in this area of the woods.  The film's scope is so small that they could be 100 miles from that city in Land of the Dead for all we know!  The two guys are brothers, who share their own back-story with each other.  Logical!  In an odd little sub-plot, the younger brother has fallen for one of the freed women, despite her not knowing a single word of English (since zombies didn't teach them).  We see some other people, including a lady who makes bullets and The General.  Most of these people either only get two lines or are just there to die.  Speaking of which, the zombies attack.  In the battle, people either run, get killed or get captured.  The younger brother ends up at the Farm.  This is where I start asking questions...

The guy knows not to talk in front of the zombies at the farm.  Why?
The zombies kill a guy who talks.  Why?
If they farm people to eat, why would they eat a guy who can speak first?
How does the guy know what they would do before he sees proof of this?
The zombies communicate through grunts- how?
One zombie is the leader- how?
Our hero meets a guy who is kept in the camp undercover.  Why would they do that?
Why don't the zombies just eat him by accident?
The big one- why am I supposed to care about any of this if they can't answer questions raised by their own plot?

The big finale of the film comes when the brother sneaks a map of the Camp out of their on a zombie.  It gets found by the brother, alongside a cache of canned foot en route to the place.  Who sent it?  You'll find out later.  The note is marked by the guy's symbol- a D surrounded by a circle.  It must be him!  They go to the camp, but most of their back-up fails to show up.  This should be dramatic, but they just slaughter the zombies with almost zero effort.  There's also a sub-plot involving the spy turning on his people and helping our hero escape.  In a weird bit, he tells the love interest girl- call her Nell- to run to the Woods.  Five minutes later, he says 'Where did Nell go?'  She's saved from a zombie attack by the former-spy, but then the scene cuts.  The pair were apparently attacked- off-camera- and she ran off.  He meanders about as the rest of the group confronts the people behind the farm.  Yes, the people behind it.  A nearby town set up the farm to feed the zombies, who apparently went along with it.  Before they get to the town, however, is they make the guards let them by, but don't disarm them.  This leads to the guy from before wandering near the guards and being shot.  Way to go, heroes!  In the Epilogue, we learn that our Narrator was Nell- who was found, I guess- and she had the guy's kid.  The End.

These films are more abundant than the actual zombies are!  The plot of this movie is good in theory, but crap in execution.  The idea of it is interesting- living in a post-zombie apocalypse world- but done in a bad way.  We are simply told about the world-wide epidemic and only shown the events affecting about two dozen people in the woods.  Say what you will about Day of the Dead's stunted-scale, but it felt more important!  This just feels like a bunch of guys went out to the woods in military colors to shoot fake zombies.  Speaking of shooting, there is a lot of it- too much, in fact.  Every zombie is shot in the head on the first try with no drama.  How good are you people?  The only drama in the fight scenes comes when people's guns run out of bullets.  Speaking of which, our hero is given a gun before the finale and told that it had fifteen bullets in it.  He fired only seven- yes, I counted- before he runs out of ammo.  How do you screw up basic math?  I will give the film some credit for having some decent- albeit random and uneven- zombie make-up.  I can't fault them for having very little money.  I can, however, fault them for making a bad movie that thinks that it's very important.

Up Next, March begins in the best way I could think of: a shitty, Asylum film.  This one features spider aliens, men with guns and William FREAKING Katt.

P.S. Did everyone pick up that February was- save for the specials- were done in alphabetical order?  Keep an eye out for the next one!