Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Handi-Crap: The Alien Conspiracy- Grey Skies

Seriously- why do I torture myself?  I decided to stop ignoring the film that has been sitting in my Queue for several months now.  Someone who knows someone I know was telling me about Tim Ritter- of Truth or Dare? fame- and I added a bunch of the films that he's in/directed.  Amongst all of that is The Alien Conspiracy trilogy.  Considering how bad this one is, I'm very wary of watching two more films in this *series.*  Of course, you all know that I will anyways.  I think all of these bad movies have given me Stockholm Syndrome or something!  So what is this grand series about?  Well, two tribes/groups of warring aliens fight for control over the Earth.  One of them wants to make us slaves, while the other just wants to kill us and be done with it.  In other words- we're royally-screwed regardless of who wins!  The movie makes a point of telling you all of this...only for it to matter very little.  I could have just told you that I was watching the continued adventures of Munchie and it would make just as much sense!  The important thing: all of the films are shot on handi-cam and feature budgets that rival that of Zombie Campout.  One difference- this is an anthology series, albeit one with no real Framing Device.  While I'd still rather be anally-probed, let's delve into the mystery of...
After some stock footage of random things- that can be (and probably was) bought cheaply- we get a bearded man explaining the gist of what I wrote above.  After that, we get a title card- 'Interviews.'
Oh, this is the story of a man interviewing people that have seen aliens and/or been abducted by them, right?  Nope.  It's the "comedic" tale of a man seeking a job interview.  The wacky problem: all of the potential Hiring Managers are aliens.  Some talk to an unseen figure via an ear piece, while others drip water out of their elbows.  No, really.  This goes on for about ten minutes or so- including a bit where the guy sings a song to a stapler as part of his interview- before ending with him meeting up with a human man.  He explains that he's part of the Resistance and that they'll hire him, due to his previous job working for the aliens.  That's it- it just stops abruptly.
Our second tale is called 'Abduction.'  This should be more interesting and less stupid.  Unfortunately, it's only the latter and not the former.  A guy drives around and then stops.  He walks around and drives some more.  He goes home and sees nobody in his small town.  Someone got a permit to shoot at 5 AM, I see.  The film abruptly jumps to him walking through the woods when an alien shows up.  Yes, it's over half an hour into this 70 minute film before a real alien shows up!  It's just a guy in a mask and gloves, so don't get your hopes up.  Oh yeah, that was also a dream.  He gets a call explaining that his parents- and the town- left in a hurry, so he goes outside and disappears via a cheap editing trick.  Again- it just sort of stops.
Our last tale- whose title I forget- begins with two talking heads...that are aliens.  Through subtitles, we see them decide to scan a man's mind to learn what we fear.  The man- a reporter- has a long dream where he interviews Death for a talk-show.  I'm not making this up- it happens!
Death is a guy in a cheap mask, which the film actually makes a joke/cover for.  You're still not funny.  Death's hijinks involve explaining how many fingers he touches you with relates to the severity of your death, arguing with recent victims and nearly destroying the Universe itself when he decides to oggle a woman in a shower instead of just killing her.  We get more 'comedy' that amounts to nothing.  We're almost to the proper runtime, so let's just pack more in!  Ultimately, the reporter dies in his dream and then dies in real life, leading the aliens to talk about this human weakness.  The End.
Take me away, alien overlords!  This movie- or series of skits- hurts my soul!  The first story is a bunch of pointless, unfunny comedy.  The second store is a meandering mess- immediately making it the best part.  The third story is...weird and unnecessary.  Just admit it, guys- you couldn't think of a third story, so you built a silly way to book-end your story about a guy talking with Death.  If Death took a vacation, he would not visit you!  I usually try to find a way to defend the movie in at least one regard.  Unfortunately, I can think of nothing!  The writing is bad, the acting is bad and the whole thing just feels cheap.  Mind you, it is, but it shouldn't feel that way.  The defining moment comes during 'Abduction' where we see our first- and only- glimpse of a UFO.  It's a decent, but cheap, effect until they pan for just a second too long.  In that moment, they reveal that the UFO is just a picture of one dragged slowly past the camera.  Ouch.  If you want a laugh, check out the picture below.  If you want to suffer, actually watch the movie.
Next up, Project Terrible strikes again with a movie submitted by the man behind Z for Zombies.  It's so terrible that it makes me sick...all the way down to my bones!  Stay tuned...

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