Friday, July 30, 2010

Rare Flix: Blood Beach

In the wake of the bore-fest that was Island Claws, my expectations are not that high for this film.  Like Claws, it's a fairly-lost '80s film about monsters, murder and sand.  Does this film appear to have more going for it?  Well, yes- thank God!  For one thing, it features John Saxon, a man whose mere appearances can make stuff like Welcome to Spring Break and Cannibal Apocalypse more bearable.  Secondly, it's director has made 10 films, immediately making him 10 times better than Hernan Cardenas.  Plus, it has Burt Young, a character actor who's always fun to watch, even if he has played the same character for thirty-odd years now.  What is the film about, you ask?  Well, apparently there are mysterious monsters that hide in the sand on a beach that kill people Tremors-style.  Okay, I haven't seen 50 versions of that story, so points in your favor.  Will the movie entertain though?  Get out your giant shovels for my review of...

I'm going to break with my usual plot summary pattern here, since it doesn't really fit.  Basically, the film is divided into three parts, just not evenly mixed.  First, you have: the monster attacking people.  This includes...
* A woman killed while walking her dog.
* The dog is later killed for no apparent reason.
* A woman is saved from a rape attempt when the monster(s) kills her would-be assailant.
* Another woman is killed while trying to walk across the beach.
* A beach bunny is killed while letting herself be buried in the sand. 
Still think beaches are cool?
The second part of the movie involves the police and our heroes trying to investigate the case.  The Captain (Saxon) and his lead Detective (Young) are on the case!  Thrill as they...
* Wander around the beach looking at stuff.
* Sit in a police station and complain about not having any clues.
* Stand around in a different room and...complain about not having any clues.
* In a great scene, Saxon bitches out the local community board for not giving them enough funds.
* This is followed by...more scenes of them complaining about not having any evidence.  Did this movie get stuck in a loop?
Finally, after a lot of talking about not having any evidence, they...get some evidence.  Our heroes figure out that the creature must be hiding out somewhere during the day and nighttime periods that it's not 'hunting.  After a lot of talk and wandering around scenes (can't get enough of those!), they find the monster and discover that it's...a weird plant-looking monster.  If the things from Day of the Triffids had sex with a giant oyster, you'd have this thing.  Anyway, after seventy minutes of build-up, the thing gets blown up.  Wow, that was underwhelming, huh?  The End.
As much as I hate to be redundant, this movie sucks.  The premise is neat and it really could have had something done with it.  There's a mysterious monster attacking people on the beach- sold.  The story never goes anywhere, choosing to go in a cycle of talk, kill and talk again.  Is it so hard to pace a movie properly and not make it a Mandelbrot Set?!?  The good actors in the movie are good, but the rest of them are just placeholders.  Nothing they do really creates any tension or interest- sorry.  The whole thing is just a build-up to a sub-par monster that doesn't do much.  I almost wish that they hadn't revealed it and chose to leave it a mystery.  Like that old axiom goes: the truth hurts.  I think that this out-of-context John Saxon picture expresses my feelings appropriately...

Next up, the final Blockbuster Trash of July brings us to a prequel to a film that only has one due to Kristen Stewart being famous now.  Will it change my opinion of this shit or just reinforce it?  Stay tuned...

2 comments:

  1. The movie has a great title and John Saxon... how much could it suck? I'll bet I'd like it!

    JM

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  2. Its true, theres literally no way for me to not want to watch this someday. Priority though? Next to watching Fourth Kind a second time.

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