Thursday, July 22, 2010

Millenial Trash: Blood Gnome

Where do I even begin here?  The movie is called Blood Gnome.  What can I say that will be sillier or funnier than this?  Well, there are a couple things, actually.  For starters, this makes no sense.  These aren't gnomes- just small creatures.  Secondly, nobody ever calls them by the name or even utters the phrase 'blood gnome' to my recollection.  You can at least rationalize a stupid title by saying 'well, it has a title line.'  You sure can't say that here!  Here's another thing: this movie is not nearly as funny as you would think.  A normal person would look at a title like Blood Gnome and think 'this is a joke'- it's not.  This film is played 100% seriously, making it on par with the best kind of Ed Wood film. Sadly, the film is dragged down by bad production values, dull acting and a story that is crappy even for a film of this type.  Oh yeah, it's also obsessed with the idea of people wearing leather and hitting each other.  I'm trying to avoid key words, lest more spam comments come my way from British call girl agencies.  No, really.  This is going to be painful...because the movie sucks, that is.  Get out your x-ray camcorders for my review of...
 The film's credits are juxtaposed over a pair of people whipping each other, ending when a monster cuts them up and kills them.  Thank you- I hate suspense!  The police show up to investigate the scene, introducing us to our main characters.  One of them is a bossy policeman, another is her black partner, the third one is a no-name crime-scene photographer-in-training and the final one is our lead.  He's a schmuck who apparently has a dark past that is not even worth mentioning.  Of course, since half of the film is talking about it, I guess I have to.  In the meantime, he is told that the murder related to the BDSM community and he apparently has to learn about it in order to do his job.  Yes, tell your crime scene photographer to go look up dirty pictures on the internet, boss!  Outside, he shows that his camera can shoot through one layer of clothing.  His photographer-in-training demonstrates this by filming the busty EMT's chest, showing her bra.  He shows this off to our hero, leading to a wacky bit of humor.  I tell you all of this because it's still more interesting than the plot to come.  Outside, he runs into a fellow fan of ropes and whips & offers to share evidence with her, since she apparently knew the couple.  Wow, you suck at your job.  In a flashback, we see him making out with his hot, porn star wife.  I know what you're thinking and 'no, the star is also not the writer.'

I should also mention the film's B-Plot, which involves a mysterious woman raising some monsters.  She has a big one in a chest, which she sics on a guy who takes her drug money.  They keep coming back to her 'monster in a chest' and it never gets interesting.  We all know that the payoff is going to suck in a film like this, so why bother?  Meanwhile, another couple does some kinky stuff and gets killed.  Why do I care?  Our hero decides to start up a relationship with the woman from before, under the auspices of learning about the lifestyle.  She lets him sit in on a session she has, but this just consists of the evil woman whipping her.  Wow, that's underwhelming.  We also get to learn a bit more about what happened to our hero...sigh.  You see, his wife was killed in a murder-suicide by some guy.  We are shown this by way of the crime scene photos...which he keeps on the wall of his living room.  That's...all kinds of disturbing!  Furthermore, he documented the scene and promptly went to an asylum.  Yes, they really are going with this story.  At the next scene, our hero gets a bit suspicious and decides to film the scene instead of taking pictures.  On it, he sees a monster reflected against her body.  Oh no, those gremlins have gone from planes to people!  As a bonus, he screws up a key piece of evidence by taking a picture of a 'gnome' print, but without putting a ruler in the shot for scale.  Wow, you really suck at your job.

Our hero really begins to crack in his position, even as another couple is killed off.  He learns that all of the victims took part in some sort of game called 'blood sports.'  Apparently, this involves putting tiny cuts all over your body...which makes things even more exciting.  I think they made this up, but I'm kind of afraid to look it up and verify it.  We also learn that it is all tied to the woman from before, who just happens to be the mistress of our lead heroine.  Oh wait, we already knew that!  The woman sets up a big party for 'blood sports enthusiasts' (yes, they're called that) and, naturally, the lead heroine goes there.  Before all that, the gnomes attack our hero in his apartment and he bites one, which is a key plot point for later.  After everyone thinks he's crazy (due to the gnomes messing with his film- seriously) and losing all of his integrity, he tries to stop the death's alone.  Since he ate the creatures' blood, he can see them- yea.  He punches his friend and 'borrows' his car, but promptly gets tied up for being a crazy bastard.  The party continues and the monsters show up, promptly killing most of the people in a big, silly fight.  The woman reveals her big evil plan and brings out our heroine tied up- just not for fun this time- using her as leverage to get our hero's film showing the beasts.  He turns the tide by escaping the chair due to a silly plot point where he learned how to and fights the woman.  She fights back hard...but gets killed by her own creature.  Our heroes escape as the beast burrows into Hell...or something.  The End.

Tied up or not, this movie sucks!  The story is really dumb, leading to a series of stupid events.  Do we need to see this giant nerd battling silly 'gnomes?'  No.  The acting is terrible, ranging from really over the top to just plain dull.  The hot blond playing the dead wife is alright, but clearly has a range of either too happy or too depressed.  Our lead cannot pull of tragic or funny, the only two traits he really has.  If this is all a redemption story, it fails.  He never learns from his mistake- he ignores his wife in their last moment together- and never really redeems himself.  All he does is kill a bunch of monsters and save a wannabe-Suicide Girl.  As far as the monsters go, they range from bad Predator effects to silly puppets.  They are never really worth the build-up the movie gives them.  I've seen better things in Full Moon films made ten years before this.  If I hadn't mentioned it, would you guess that this movie was made in 2004.  On the plus side, anyone's low-budget horror film can get an outlet on Netflix.  On the downside, anyone's low-budget horror film can get an outlet on Netflix.  There are some laughs to be had here, but it's mostly just bad.

Next up, I finally get to review the film about vampires that eat fetal tissue.  I'm going to need some sanitary wipes, people!  Stay tuned...

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