Tuesday, July 6, 2010

International '70s Trash: Turkish Star Trek

Do I really need to explain what's weird about this whole thing to you?  This is a Turkish film made in 1973 that tries to incorporate a country-specific comedian into a canceled TV show.  What was the point of all of this?  I guess it's a way to make your character more palatable to an international audience.  If that's the case, this movie fails!  'Turist Omer' is a character that did nothing for me and his obscurity speaks towards Americans agreeing with me.  Maybe the point was to make Star Trek more palatable to Turkey.  If so, I don't think that Gene Roddenberry's franchise has ever really needed the help there!  So what is the point?  I guess it's just a pretense to have a Turkish character run around with some pre-established characters and tell copyright law to 'suck it!'  If that's the case, it succeeds.  If you've made it past the title alone, check out my review of...

The film begins with some badly-faded shots of the Starship Enterprise flying through space.  We're starting off with stolen footage and badly-hidden theft of a franchise's music?  This is going to be fun.  Anyhow, after the prerequisite stuff, a group of crew members go down to a planet to speak to a scientist there.  As a side note, the only thing worse than this movie's 'Spock' is this movie's 'Bones.'  Basically, the guy looks like a poor man's version of Paul Naschy (RIP)!  Some confusion arises as Bones sees the scientist's assistant as her younger self, while Spock sees her in her real form.  The man explains that it's a side-effect of the planet.  Oh yeah, we also get some pointless back-story involving Bones once being engaged to the woman- it goes nowhere.  Elsewhere on the planet, a random ship employee in a green shirt ending up dead.  Geez, you guys can't even get the idea of a red shirt right!  Naturally, Spock and company want to look into this death.  It's at this point that we realize that more is going on here than the scientist is letting on.  In hindsight, those Speedo-clad, male robots may have been a clue.  The scientist realizes that the crew will not leave until they find the killer.  Guess what he has in mind...

At this point, you have to be wondering when the 'Turist Omer in' part of Turist Omer in Star Trek comes in.  Using his super-space age technology, the scientist uses his mysterious, 60's-style computer to bring in a killer to distract the crew from himself.  This brings us to Turkey where the titular man is being forced into a shotgun-wedding with a woman he doesn't like.  Right before he can say 'I do,' he is beamed away via some cheap effects.  He ends up on the planet and, naturally, assumes that he's just in a different part of Turkey.  When he is grabbed by one of the Speedo-clad robots and dragged to see the Enterprise Away Team, he finally wises up!  The scientist tells them that they have found the killer, but the crew is a bit hesitant to believe him.  They take the Away Team back to the ship and run some tests on the man.  It's here where the really silly comedy takes place- love it or hate it.  Our 'hero' has many different shticks to work with, including calling Spock 'Mumps' and a bit where he acts like he's being struck by God when he lies.  Who's laughing at this crap?

This whole thing drags a lot in the middle, but try to stick with me!  Omer hangs around the ship for a while, proving to be so annoying that Spock tries to take vacation to get away from him!  He also tries to hit on all of the women, sit in the Captain's chair and just generally be a douche-bag.  On the planet, the mysterious monster that is to blame for the Green Shirt's death takes the form of a crew member and kills one of the random women.  As a side-effect of his transformation, he becomes a black man!  He escapes back to the planet in the form of Bones, which eventually gets discovered by the crew.  Meanwhile, Spock and Kirk are on the planet with the alien...and Omer.  Dammit!  They run into the robots and have to fight them off.  That is, of course, until Omer spots the controls a mere 10 feet away and turns them off.  Things get worse, however, as a device by the scientist makes Kirk and Spock fight.  Is there a reason that the guy would keep those halberd-type weapons lying around for them to pick up?  No.  The real Bones comes down to the planet after the fight and must stop the creature.  Unfortunately, he sees it as the woman...until Spock turns off the machine and reveals the thing's form.  It dies, Kirk lives and Omer is rewarded by being sent home...to the mob.  Fortunately, he is now a Vulcan (seriously) and uses the Vulcan Nerve Pinch to escape.  Shoot me now.

This movie sucks some serious, Turkish balls!  For the first quarter of it, it is played like a bad, low-budget Star Trek story.  Yes, I realize the irony of that statement.  The actual plot of the movie finally comes in after that when the title character shows up.  On one hand, it's stupid that he shows up so late.  On the other hand, he's annoying for every second he's on the air, so I welcome the break from him!  As a sci-fi film, this sucks.  The plot is stupid, makes no real sense and doesn't even have a good pay-off.  I managed to avoid mentioning the filler portion with the fire-spewing cow monster, by the way, but that sucks too.  It sure was nice of them to make it 'Godzilla' on the cover, wasn't it?  As a comedy, it sucks even worse though!  The character of 'Omer' is just annoying, attention-obsessed and always getting in the way.  The whole point of this movie is to have him be wacky, while Spock is stoic.  This is played both too subtle (for Spock) and too over-the-top (for Omer).  It's okay in theory, but shitty in practice.  On top of that, the movie rips off some major Star Trek moments, including the Kirk/Spock fight, the desert setting as an alien planet (it's not only them that do it, I know) and the actual soundtrack of the show!  This movie is only for die-hard fans of international crap and nobody else.  On the plus side, it's available to watch for free thanks to Google Video (look it up).  This one was free...and still shit.

Next up, I bring you an Albert Pyun film by way of Charles Band.  Have I set you expectations low enough yet?  Stay tuned...


  1. Oh dude I HAVE to see this one, I dont know how Ive gone this long without it

  2. On the plus side, it's free to watch online. On the negative side, it's stupid.

    I guess that counts as balanced.

  3. For those who don't know, the really sad thing here...okay, one of them...is that the movie actually does just pretty much rip off the first actual aired episode of Star Trek: TOS, "The Man Trap." That episode covers McCoy reuniting with an old flame, only for it to turn out the old flame is a shapeshifting creature who appeals to a person's attractions and then devours their nutrients. It is actually quite a good episode if you like Star Trek: TOS, though in my opinion a really weird choice for an early first-season episode since it would probably work better once you really know the characters and trust McCoy's judgments already. Overall, though, it is unsurprisingly a zillion times better than this movie would seem to be. ^_^

    Oh, and of course, there is no Kirk v. Spock fight in that episode--they just stuck that in this movie to have it in there since it's a famous Trek moment from later in the show.

    There is also no dragon-thing, and no annoying unfunny comedy guy.