300th Post Special: Creepshow 3

Who ever thought that I could fill 300 posts with my pointless rambling and silliness? Well, you keep reading, so who is the crazy one here? Before I chase you off with my irony, how about I give you a new review? Well, okay. If you recall my 100th post, I talked about a couple bits in the original Creepshow films that stood out as, well, odd to me. After addressing the film with an unplanned similarity to my own page's name at the 200 mark, I thought that I should address the latest film in the series. By the way, there is zero input from Stephen King and George A. Romero here. I just wanted to set the bar properly for...

Creepshow 3

Here is the big problem right from the get-go: there is no framing device for this movie. Instead, they try to awkwardly make it all take place in one universe. This is awkwardly forced into the third vignette on and suffers for it. Also, this proves that the movie only has two outdoor sets (a studio back lot-street and a suburban cul-de-sac). When I have time to wonder aloud 'how are these things going to connect?' you are doing a bad job! Let's get down to the real stories though...

1. A girl walks home through her cul-de-sac and complains on her cell phone. We hear about a scientist looking for his rabbit, but that is a minor point. Her dad gets a universal remote and presses the color tint button, which....turns the family black. Whoa, going right for that joke, movie? Amazing. Next, he hits the subtitles button, which...turns them into an Hispanic family. Are you saying that black people don't speak Spanish? By the way, all three of these parts use the same bad dialogue with different actors. I hope you like repetition repetition. Things only get worse as she starts to gets transformed with every push of the button. She breaks into the scientist's house and laughs about him getting married (more on that...sort of...later). He finally reveals that this was all part of his plan to...turn her into a rabbit. The family apparently never remembers her now. So, the lesson is not to be a teen-age bitch? Okay, I won't.
2. A man leaves his security job and returns to his apartment in a crappy apartment building (aka location #2 of 2). He runs afoul of a pimp, but backs off. He goes out on the same night when his radio breaks down. The man buys it from an angry bum who will show up in story #5. That night, the radio begins to talk to him and gives him advice for trading stocks. Yes, listen to the radio about 'diversifying your assets.' It goes further, telling him where some drug money is hidden. It pushes him further, making him kill a man who saw him with the money and his girlfriend. A policemen acts suspicious, but this goes nowhere. Thanks for just taking up time, movie. He goes off with a prostitute who has actually said 'hello' to him twice, but gets shot through the heart...and she is to blame. A moment later, she is killed as well and the radio finds a new host. So the lesson is not to listen to the radio? But what if it is my dead father from the past? Answer me that, Creepshow 3!
   
3. A hooker gets a job mid-day to come out to a cul-de-sac (hurray for set re-using!), but stops to stab a homeless woman. A radio address (make note of the time) talks about a serial killer hooker and she smiles about her handiwork. At the man's house, she comes inside and wonders about why he is in none of the pictures. They go upstairs, but not before the film shows us the dead family like five feet to the left of them. You can't smell rotting corpses, lady? At his request, she blind-folds him and ties him to the bed. Not at his request, she stabs him to death...or so it would seem. He begins to call out to her, leading her to pull the pillow off of his face to reveal...the stupidest vampire ever. He gets up and bites her. She joins the dead family in the corner and he leaves in the morning...in broad daylight. So, I should not be a rip-off of Aileen Wuornos? Okay, I won't.
   
4. A scientist invites two of his best students over for some big news. They stop and see the hooker entering the house, thus making these relate somehow. A man also hears the news report about the killer hooker...at NIGHT. Anyhow, he tells that he is getting married and they are shocked to see his young, vapid bride. They flashback to his many pranks and theorize that this is one of them. She must be...a robot! Once the guy leaves, they decide to knock her out and disassemble her. What follows is a 'wacky' scene of two men covered in human viscera and picking up bad prop limbs. Ha ha...it's funny because there is blood everywhere! After pulling out her brain, they learn that she is merely a vapid amnesiac. They have to run around and hide all of the body parts. Worst Three Stooges skit or best Three Stooges skit- you decide! They run off as the story concludes. So the lesson is...wait, there is no lesson here! That was gross, stupid and pointless- trifecta!
5. A terrible doctor watches a homeless man die after giving him a dirty hot dog that he did not want. He goes late to work at his community service job at a free clinic. We get a 'he's a jerk' montage and as much ripping off of House as I can take. He gets visited by the oozing ghost (don't ask) of the bum, which leads him to go to a party and get high on pills. By the way, the party is held by the vampire guy. He goes back the next day and has pretty much the same result. Hurray for repetition repetition repetition! He goes to another pill party, but is clearly trying to escape reality. One wacky scene does have him telling a girl that she has a brain tumor. Thanks, movie. We also pause to show the scientist buying a voodoo kit from the screaming bum. Out on the street, he is visited by the ghost again and dies of fright.

This movie is bad and does not know what it wants to be. Comedy? Horror film? The writing is all over the place, giving us weird effects shots, super-dark humor (accidental murder as comedy?) and strange drama. Our monsters include a crazy scientist, a talking radio and a vampire that looks like a big-mouthed bass. Even Creepshow 2 had a real monster or two...even when they did not make sense all the time. As far as DVD special features, you get a Making-Of...and that's it. For one, the directors proudly display the poster for this film and Day of the Dead 2: Contagium. Wow, you guys made that movie too? Why should I want to watch this movie again? Oh and the guy who plays the scientist says that this is the best one of the three films. Okay, guys, you can take the gun away from his back now. Watch the first two films and just settle for good movies.

Up next, a film that I have somehow neglected to review. Indonesia joins the rip-off game. This should be interesting. Stay tuned...