While I am not a big science-fiction fan (personally, horror and fantasy is more my forte), I have seen a great many of them. Hell, I've seen two French zombie films, a film about rock star zombies and the world's only film in Esperanto. What I'm saying is that I will watch anything and everything. So every once in a while, I watch a real crappy one. This is one of those times. When you rent a film that has a giant planet-shaped object crashing into another one, you don't question things. You just sit back and watch...
Our film begins with a battle...in space. Venturing into unique territory from the get-go, I see. In all honesty, this is not a terrible scene. It is a bit misleading, given how the rest of it is on a planet and quite terrible. The biggest problem with this scene, however, is that it looks like one of those technical school ads where the guy goes 'look what I learned to do.' Actually, I think that is what happened here! Anyhow, the people are completely indistinguishable and no side is clearly good or clearly evil. Ultimately, a bunch of pods are launched onto a nearby planet and try to settle in. Of course, this is also the plot of Planet of the Dinosaurs, a slightly-better film in that it was made in the 1970s and features funny/dated mustaches. So far, this film has just given us a bunch of space marines without cool outfits that argue. Hurray? At least we don't have crappy special effects to 'look forward to.' Oh, God dammit!
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After a long bit of build-up, a mysterious force attacks our heroes. It is a nigh-invisible humanoid that is completely invulnerable to their future (read:plastic) laser guns. Out of nowhere, one of the crew sends it reeling with...a gun from the present day. You see, the man keeps 'souvenirs' of the past with him and, of course, keeps them loaded at all times. He is rushing off to escape his death in an explosion, but he still brings along a trophy? This is not even touching upon the logical jumps involving the gun that has not been made in hundred of years working, let alone in a climate unlike it's original home. Anyhow, before I go too crazy, I'll return to the plot. The conflict, you see, comes in the form of an escaped prisoner who worships some crazy space religion. His role consists of looking weird, wandering around and, um, looking weird. He plays a part in the finale, but not in any logical way. I would explain it here...if it made any real sense. It has something to do with sacrificing himself to unleash some evil monster or something. You want more details? Watch the movie...so you can still not be sure.
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I could go into great detail about the plot, if there was much to say. People die, since the centuries-old gun is not that reliable and the thing is still really fast. They fight over who should be in charge as well, so, yea for that. Some weird, mystical thing goes down and we get a monster...which is a troll made for the Poser program. Using it is not that bad, if it were not so badly-disguised and features so little detail. When in doubt, make the monster see-through to save some $$$. They battle it, but do you really care at this point? I don't. The End.
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Yeah, this movie is barely worth the DVD that it was put on. The budget was something like $15,000 and it shows! I bet it cost more than that just to make all the feature-less DVDs themselves. A lot can be done with the 'mysterious planet' idea and has been to much greater effect. Maybe if I did not judge this on a professional level, it might be more forgivable. But, you know what, it is a professionally-released DVD, so it has to go by that standard. While better than any sci-fi film made and posted on YouTube by 17-year old Finnish students, it is not a good sci-fi film. You should, and do, expect better. This film is so obscure that it does not have a Wikipedia page. When nearly every contributor on ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com has one, what does that say about the film? Nothing good.
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Up next, a Korean film that I put off for fear of spoilers. Now, I don't give a crap. You need to know about this movie's randomness and insanity. Stay tuned...
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