Oh Doris!: Deadly Weapons

Does the name Doris Wishman ring a bell to most of you? Probably not & for good reason. Doris was a major genre director in the 60s and 70s, so her films were not exactly 'mainstream.' In her day, she was famous for the mostly-forgotten 'Nudie-Cutey' sub-genre, as well as the 'Nudist Camp' films. Later in her career, she turned from those movies into films with a more outright salacious content (Nudist films featured real people and no sex) and violence. Yeah, this was a weird transition. To this end, she made today's film which is less about nudity as cute and more about crime. There is nudity and it's...yeah, I'll get into that. I'll just jump right in and review...
by the way, the film stars Chesty Morgan in....

Deadly Weapons

The film begins with...the biggest and least attractive breasts ever seen! I'll spare you the screen captures, though I'm sure you can really find them if you want. I can tell you that they look like two long strands of honey that have dripped down a surface and end in two big globs. That is the nicest visual you are going to get from me! Chesty spends the whole credit sequence rubbing those...things and trying not to look at the camera. She fails quite often. We finally get a story, which is only slightly-less painful to watch. Basically, three guys beat up a guy and one of them secretly takes a book. That man later calls up another man and blackmails him with information from it. Later, he goes to a meeting with one of the other men from earlier and his boss, a man we only see a hint of. They show us his hand, which has an odd cross-shaped scar on it. No, really. The other two hitmen beat up a different guy and kill him, but not before he rats out our hero. Well, I call him that, even though his only actions are criminal, talking harshly to our heroine (I'm trying to ignore her) and basically forcing himself on her. Yeah, how could you resist that creature?!?

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What follows is one of the most ludicrous scenes in the history of crime films. While on the phone with Chesty, the man puts the phone on the table and answers the door. The men shoot him and then proceed to explain everything in great detail. They actually say which city they are going to hide out and in which hotel! Are these the Keystone Criminals that go with the titular cops?!? One of these men, by the way, is Harry Reemes, the man made famous by Deep Throat. He has a mustache that would make Geraldo feel inferior her to boot. Thanks to the information given to her by the killers, she heads to Vegas to track down the eye-patch wearing man jokingly called 'Captain Hook" by Reemes. But, before this, she randomly visits her dad for about 45 seconds. She heads to the city via travel stock footage and tries to find- seriously- Mr. Hook. She does not get the sarcasm?!? Recalling a line about the man loving burlesque, she gets hired by a nearby bar and waits for him. I will spare you the explanation of what happens after that- you already know. She lures him back to her place and drugs him. This leads to a dramatic shot of her taking off her bra, posing like Dracula with his arms up and smothering the man with her giant breasts. Words fail me, gentlemen.

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Phase 2 of her plan involves another trip via stock footage of a plane flying. She arrives and finds the man at the pool. The film also shows his put-upon girlfriend swimming around naked. Does Chesty see this though? According to the way the scene was shot, it would seem so. She talks to him, but he ignores her. Later, she follow him and his lady to a bar where she is ignored again. Since she was near him twice, his girlfriend believes that he is cheating on her. Wow, defensive much?!? She goes to leave, but he talks her out of it. After making out for a minute, he suddenly chokes her to death! Wow, bi-polar much?!? He goes to see the giant breasted woman he met earlier and puts his moves on her. She drugs him and smothers him the same way. She heads home and goes to see her dad. She mentions the book that she hid in the beginning and, faster than you can say 'Checkov's Gun,' he goes looking for it. She learns that he was the crime boss the whole time! Wow, that was pretty obvious considering that they are the only two cast members left alive in the movie! He shoots her, but she also shoots him as well. She crawls over and dies with her head on his chest. The End.

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Wow, that was bad. It was a bad crime movie wrapped in an obsession with this lady's giant and unattractive breasts. Seriously, those things are hideous! I mean, I'm all man, but those things are going to haunt my dreams forever! Go ahead and look Chesty Morgan up and see for yourselves. It almost makes me yearn for American films in which our actresses use porn stars /lingerie models as body doubles. We all know that she was the sole reason for this film getting made and the key reason for it being terrible. Doris Wishman was not a great director, but she could make things work without a lot of money. No amount of cleverness could keep those death stars from ruining your day. Please, for the love of God, avoid this movie and Double Agent 73. When even I am telling you to stay away, what does that tell you about the movie?!?

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I haven't picked on one German director as much as the internet requires me to. Let's correct that, shall we? Stay tuned...