Sunday, September 13, 2009

Blockbuster Trash: retroGRADE

Dolph Lundgren is responsible for a lot of average or sub-par action films. The man has been in some good ones, even in spite of themselves (Men of War, Bridge of Dragons). Unfortunately, some of his really bad ones- i.e. Detention and Blackjack- just take up my attention too much. On the plus side, his role in the 'so macho that is about to explode' film The Expendables could help that...or just reinforce it. Today's film is one of his 'lost ones,' which basically means that nobody would buy it for distribution for about three years. Unfortunately, somebody lost a bet and now it is on DVD. So, in preparation for every action star on the planet trying to fit on one screen, let's check out...
retroGRADE
The film begins in space where a fairly-average CG meteor strikes the Earth. Apparently, some disease comes on the rocks and causes a worldwide plague. In the future, most of mankind has been wiped out and only a small group of scientists and soldiers are left. Problem #1: this virus cannot be killed by the heat of re-entry. Yeah, that makes perfect sense. So our hero (Dolph) and crew go back in time via a space ship to stop the exposure. Problem #2: Your ship has enough energy to power itself and the massive output for the most logical version of time-travel. That's questionable, but maybe explained under the 'Future Science' clause of screenplay writing. So they go back and the trip takes them, as the movie explains, five months. Really? Not only can you easily tell time in space, but also while traveling backwards through it. Future people are either really smart or lying out of their asses! Unfortunately, as their journey ends, most of the crew betrays our hero. You can actually tell which ones will by the fact that all of them are in the white-lined BMX suits. No, I'm not kidding. Dolph escapes by crashing the ship (good plan) and exiting into the Antarctic snow. Dolph Lundgren: master strategist!
*
Meanwhile, the far less interesting part of our story is taking precedence. Basically, a bunch of scientists are out in the Arctic on an ice-breaker ship. A jerk of a rich guy has them out there to collect samples from a meteor that crashed out there. Dun dun dun! There is a whole slew of these people too, although most of them are extremely forgettable. There is the idiot scientist guy who wears a snow cap with built-in dreadlocks at one point. There is the vaguely-accented lady scientist who has no personality and a mopey back-story. Our Captain is gruff and authoritative (plus played by Expendables co-star Gary Daniels). Incidentally, they hire the former kick-boxer and have him fight for like three seconds and die. Plus, you have the 'voice of authority' guy who looks like Ossie Davis' cousin. After, quite-frankly, too long of this, I am happy to see Dolph, who is shot in the neck while out in the snow. Again- good plan. He gets up, however, and takes down the two men when they approach him. He makes it a little ways further, but collapses. While out in their snowmobiles (which die or work depending on plot convenience), they find our hero and bring him in. At this point, I should mention that Dolph left the ship with all of the toxins they had to fight the disease. Apparently, they only brought one box full. Master strategist!
*
The thing to understand is that this film has a ton of plot, just none of it that interesting. While on the ice, it begins to shift at random points in the story. One of them causes the idiot scientist to stumble and press his hand down one of the rock samples they took. Despite the sample previously being in a bag, his light fall causes the rock to be smashed and get purple goop all over his hand. This turns him into a crazed, zombie-like killer. It's not so much a disease as it is a crappy 'Rage virus.' He runs around, beats up a crew member that looks like WWE star Christian, and goes to the bottom of the ship. He breaks into their 'arms stash,' which consists of several old WWII guns...so he takes a pistol- Problem #256. After a bad gun battle, he gets killed, although after Dolph fails. A bunch of ship members, meanwhile, have gone onto the future ship. All of them, save for one, get killed and our villains plan a trip. All this time, Dolph never explains himself and his motivations, despite more people getting infected. The villains arrive on the ship and start badly-choreographed gun battles with everyone. This leads to the best/worst part of the film. Our dick millionaire convinces the one helicopter pilot to take him away to 'get help.' They fly off, but are shot at by the lead villain. Despite bullets being normal for all of the film, they are now energy bolts, one of which hits the vehicle, causing it to explode instantly! Damn Pintos!
*
I have to briefly address part of the ending, although I won't spoil it completely. You can be disappointed in your own home by this movie, thank you. After blowing up the meteor- but not causing wide-spread infection- with a tiny batch of explosives, Dolph makes a trip. Back to the future, right? No. He goes back to before the ship left and convinces the lady not to go. Everyone else can go screw themselves, I guess. Also, this causes no time paradox- Problem #427. The End.
*
Even by Dolph standards, this is pretty bad. The pacing is not good, the characters are not well-written and there are about four real sets. On top of that, the film is full of way too many accents, showing that this was not exactly a film shot in Los Angeles. One of the actors even sounds like he's part German and part Australian! I have not been since confused by accent location since, well, every Lambert film in the last ten years. This plot is full of holes and makes no damn sense. The virus kills people and turns them into seemingly burn victims in the future shots. In the present, your face gets all stretched out and you go crazy. Which is it?!? The only real saving grace is the sheer ridiculous nature of the helicopter scene. Watch that a couple of times and then move on with your life. As hard as it is to write this, there are some Dolph films that you should actually watch- just not this one.
*
Next on the horizon, a sequel to a Stephen King film. I hope it's...nothing like the first one. Stay tuned...

Edit: I'm sorry about this being so late. Sunday just 'got away from me.'

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