I don't know what to say about these two movies. They are both designed around showing naked women in Gothic settings. The problem is that none of these movies feature remotely-attractive women and don't have good stories. I could probably just stop right there, but that would make me lazy. Yeah, I can live with that...
No, I'm not just kidding. I had you going there, didn't I? I bring you...
This film was directed by Mario Bianchi (not to be confused with the serial killer named Kenneth), the man who brought us The Erotic Adventures of Zorro. And no, I'm not going to review that...until I see it. I just tell you this to set the bar extremely damn low.
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The reason that this film does not have a full review page is because it barely makes any sense. Maybe my mind just did a damn good job of blocking it all out. Thanks, mind- now get to work on Feeders II! This is what you need to know. A family lives in a nice Gothic house, but is not exactly happy. A recent death lingers over them like a spectre and the men are all jerks. A spirit takes over the young (read: 30-year old) daughter. She begins to cause chaos around the house and, conveniently, sets up lots of nude scenes. She is not hideous, but the movie also chose not to focus on her. Instead, they focus on one older woman's secret affair with the dead woman. If you ever wanted to see some 'hot' girl-on-girl action between two women in menopause then you are in luck. You are also creepy and should keep 100 yards away from schools.*
I should also mention that this is a remake of Malabimba: The Malicious Whore. Yeah, I think I'm done here.This movie was made by Jesus Franco (yes, it's his real name), the man behind Lillian: The Perverted Virgin and The Killer Barbys vs. Dracula. Again, I just want to set the bar at the appropriate level.
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Our film begins with four women going to a deserted hotel on an island. The film wastes no time in showing all of them naked, even though they are all...well, let's just say that they are not models, despite what the movie calls them. Pasty, over-tanned women with no figure should not be naked on screen this much- or ever. Let's get past this...if the movie would let us. Okay, so the real story involves the weird cult that is centered around this island. Many of the shots make them out to be the zombie Knights Templar from Tombs of the Blind Dead. Way to be as original as always, Jesus. What are they really? Just a bunch of guys that look like plague victims that sacrifice women to their higher power. As the cover tells you, they also keep a woman chained up naked in a room and put food right out of her reach.
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Do you really need to know more? Do I have to tell you that this movie goes nowhere? I didn't think so.
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These movies are bad for so many reasons. Basically, they are movies that were made to lure people in with nudity. Like any good bait-and-switch film, the women are just not worth looking at as a whole. So, the only point to the movie is not worth it? Wow, thanks a lot guys. A more naive man rented the latter film under the genuine belief that it was a real Blind Dead knock-off. If only I had been this lucky! Baby Doll was not rented under false pretenses, merely false hope that it would interesting- foiled again! It was just painful and I don't want to relive it. Making you do it is perfectly fine with me, however. Enjoy your nightmares!
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Do you like midgets? Do you like monsters? Oh, then you are in luck. Stay tuned...
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