Saturday, September 26, 2009

Blockbuster Trash: Afghan Knights

I should probably explain why I would even rent this movie. In the wake of Ancient Warriors and its promise of mystical creatures. What they gave us with a five-second shot of ghosts tormenting Richard Lynch, which was not enough! So when we found another movie that promised us ghosts and soldiers, we had to try. It wouldn't let us down, would it? Would it be here if it was actually good? With that out of the way, let's dive right into...
Basically, this movie is about a man who is haunted by a mission that went wrong in Afghanistan. On the positive side, this movie will seem ironic since we will probably never leave that country. Ha ha ha...it's funny because it's immensely sad and poignant. Anyhow, his chance for redemption comes when a sleazy guy (Michael Madsen) comes along and offers him a job. He wants the man- along with a strike team- to go in there and rescue the guy. Sure, there is other stuff to do there that has more monetary gain, but the film chooses to focus on the first part. The recruitment scenes only have a couple of good points. One of them involves a cameo by a guy who looks like the dad from American Chopper. Another involves a moment of being horribly wrong when it comes to guessing plot points. They go to get one of the younger members, he is in a hotel room. In my commentary, I joked that 'I'm a male prostitute.' No sooner do I say that does an older man appears next to him in a robe. Oh dear God, I was kidding!
*
The mission goes extremely well and no dramatic things happen. No, I'm just kidding- lots of shit goes down. The trip across the border ends in a dramatic gun fight, explosions and some general macho-ness. Enough of that- let's find out what Michael Madsen is up to. After his initial scenes, the guy spends the rest of the movie in a tent with a half-naked woman. Does it add anything? Nope. Did it save the production company by paying Madsen with a prostitute? Yes. I can't confirm that, but it is funny. Who cares about libel or slander, right? Our group discovers some weird shit has gone down, but does not know what. They do know that they have to hide out in a cave for a while. Their trip in the dark takes up the good majority of the run-time, so get used to it! People start to see things and hear weird noises. Have they gone crazy, are their ghosts or are we the crazy ones? Well, I can't speak for you here. A strange woman appears to one of the men at night, but they're still not going crazy.
*
Oh wait, one of them is. The End.
*
I realize that it was an incredibly abrupt ending, but I just thought it would be funny. I'm sure you either agree or think that I am a hack.
*
This movie is just not good. Sure, it has some good action scenes in it, but the story is not good. The whole thing is a pretense to get them in a giant cave and wander about. Thrilling action! Great suspense! Constant hallucinations that undermine the whole experience! Madsen is alright, but he doesn't really do much. To repeat, they get a low-level star like Michael Madsen and can't get him to do a big role. How can you get less of a role for him than Hell Ride did? That wasn't exactly Cleopatra! We are left with a bunch of people that have almost no personality and just dress like soldiers. I can just watch those National Guard ads instead.
*
Up next, a French film with Satan in the title, but no mention of old Scratch. This had better be worth it! Stay tuned...

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