Thursday, December 31, 2015

*My* Top 10 Disappointments of 2015

As the year comes to a close, let me look back at the Films that just disappointed.

Some of the worst Films won't make this List, since, well, I expected them to suck...

10. Fantastic Four (2015): Okay, I expected this one to suck a little.  While I defend the original Fantastic Four Films (as they are), it is harder to defend this one.  The tone is so bleak and murky.  Nobody gets along.  All of the interesting stuff is squeezed into the last 20 minutes.  So bad.  Let Marvel do this already!

9. White Gorilla: Even by this Set's standards, this was bad.  So, if you missed the Review, here's the summary: someone took a Silent Film Serial, added new Footage with a Suit Performer and then tried to re-sell it.  This was only about 20 years later.  So, so disappointing.

8. Island of the Dead: The Flies.  This is about evil Flies that represent our sins...or something.  Long before stuff like the Halloween Films and Silent Night, Malcolm McDowell was in stuff like this.  Oh well- it was cheap.

7. Devil Story: So crazy that it confusing and boring.  How did this one go wrong?  This French Horror Film features a Zombie AND a Mummy.  What could go wrong?  Well, the answer lies in how someone tried to make it 'Arty.'  The result: it isn't all that fun.  Weird...but not fun.

6. The Burning Dead: Lava Zombies!  What can go wrong?  Well, everything.  Sorry, People Who Sent Me This Screener Link.  Danny Trejo can't save you this time!

5. Inara the Jungle Girl: Meh.  This one sounds like it will be lots of fun.  A bunch of lady Wrestlers play Jungle Girls that fend off Mercenaries.  Great.  What could go wrong?  Well, make the first hour of it an emotional drama- that's how.  How do you mess up Exploitation?

4. Crazy Hong Kong (aka The Gods Must Be Crazy IV): I waited so long for this, huh?  After years of hearing about the Film, this Rare Flix Feature is just kind of fast and silly.  The original Films weren't Hamlet, but they had a certain charm to them.  The original Films are a good Comic telling you a bit.  This Film is a kid who saw it on TV trying to tell you the same bit.  It is mostly the same, but the magic is missing.

3. Under the Skin: I know so many people love it.  I don't.  There is at least one good thing for going for it.  You don't need me to spell it out, right?

2. Vampire in Venice: Another Film that wasn't really worth the wait.  An unofficial Sequel to Werner Herzog's Nosferatu (itself a Remake of a Film that was a rip-off of Dracula)- why not?  Well, I think that the Behind the Scenes stuff sets the mood.  It is an unofficial Sequel since Klaus Kinski refused to shave his head.  On top of that, about a third of the Film was shot by the 2nd Unit due to Actor issues.  That tells you what was going on there and why the final Product is a bit of a letdown.

1. Primer (2004): Sorry, Maynard.  Actually, I'm not.  This one sucked.  I didn't like it.  At all.  Period.  End of sentence.

Bring on the hate-mail.  I'm looking at you, Maynard.  

1 comment:

  1. I might have not liked Under the Skin if I'd had heard any hype or... anything about it going in. But I watched it on a whim, not even knowing who was in it... and liked it quite a bit as a thing I wandered into.

    Primer on the other hand... heard nothing but praise for that one but still haven't watched it.