Monday, March 31, 2014

Moon Over Miami: Josh Kirby...Time Warrior: Trapped on Toyworld

As you can see, I am in no rush to wrap up this series.  Today's film is the next Chapter in the Josh Kirby...Time Warrior series: Trapped on Toyworld.  For those who havent kept up (or cared to), here's what you need to know.  Some time in the future, people made a device called the (not Ultimate) Nullifier, which would allow them to control/shape reality.  Quick question: why?  Seriously, like Heaven Guns, I have to ask why this was a thing.  Anyhow, a battle for control of it takes place between a man I'll call Not Doctor Who and The Films' Only Black Character (who has a silly name).  The battle rages onto Josh's front yard and he gets sucked into it.  In the first film, he helps a rebellion involving Knights, peasants and two Dinosaurs.  That led into an adventure based blatantly on the film Wizards.  They managed to escape the world of giant children, but the villain causes their ship to haywire and Josh falls out!  This is the half-way point in the six-part series, so let's see if they can make something happen. To find out, read on...
Josh falls out of the ship and through an incandescent version of the Sliders portal.  He lands in the Woods (perhaps the same ones he was in for Quest of the Delta Knights).

Time Tunnels are so weird that they make Josh's sleeve grow back!  Science!
Josh is now on Toyworld, a place that is self-explanatory.  It is also a bit creepier than they intended for this 'cute' world to be.  Right, Legally-Distinct-From-Raggedy-Anne?
She takes him to Toy World, which you will note is listed as two words...but not in the title.  Yeah, I'm OCD like that.

More importantly, it has what is supposed to be a talking egg in a bowl...but looks like a dildo.  For kids!
The villain- Professor Zoetrope, in case you care- arrives looking for the next piece of the Nullifier.  His weapons don't work, however, thanks to Geppetto, the Ruler of the land.

Of note, Geppetto is played by the same man who was the lead in Please, Don't Eat My Mother, which was 80% porn.  Things change in 20 years, I guess.
Not Doctor Who does pretty much nothing for this story.  The ship is damaged by Not Nukie (don't ask) and he spends 99% of the Run Time bitching about it on the Ship.  Thanks for nothing, Not Time Lord.
Here's some fresh Nightmare Fuel for you.  Enjoy.
So Josh is confronted by a hologram of Dr. Zoetrope, who tells him that he is a Time Warrior.  Really?  It's only in the Title!

Oh and he doesn't do anything else to actually stop Josh at this point.  What a sporting villain!
He finally makes a big play to get the item he wants and to take out Josh.  He uses his newly-discovered powers on a radio for help.  It probably sounded better in the Script.

Gepetto saves the day by arriving just in time with...a bunch of pies. Yeah, they save the day with a pie fight.  Thanks, Pennywise!
The trio escape with the Nullifier Piece, but their ship is attacked again.

The film ends with a cliffhanger of them about to be hit by...a a time tunnel...projected on their cheap TV/VHS Player?  Alright.  The End (for now).
Was it worth the wait?  I guess.  Honestly, let me put this into perspective.  Josh Kirby...Time Warrior is a Made-for-VHS/DVD Film Serial aimed at a young audience.  So, to put it simply: I am not the Demographic.  You could argue that I was the Demographic when it was released in 1995, I guess.  With that in mind, let me begin to tear the thing apart!  It is goofy, it is inept and it is really not that good.  The whole idea of a kid thrown into a bunch of crazy worlds/times is good.  What they do with it is just kind of alright.  Toyworld- really?  That's the best you could do?  Never mind that you went from them being treated as Toys in the last 'Episode' and now Josh is teamed up with actual Toys.  You had literally all of theoretical Time and Space to work with and you just ripped off Babes in Toyland.  Wow.  Full Moon, you can do...okay, I can't really finish that sentence.  You guys just made Gingerdead Man vs. Evil Bong last year, so I know that you can't really do better.  In the End, I do still want to see how this whole thing works out, but I'm not exactly in a rush.  I'll leave you with the many faces of Buck Kartalan on Mondo Bizarro.
Next up, what happens when a rare OOP film becomes more available?  The answer- I review it!  Stay tuned...

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