Moon Over Miami: Dr. Moreau's House of Pain

This film actually had me yearning for a morbidly-obese former Star sweating all over the place.  Today's film is Dr. Moreau's House of Pain, a film by *say it with me* Full Moon.  Yeah, The Last Wave was too good and arty for me to review.  Dammit- why did I get a good film AND a Full Moon one.  I never stood a chance!  For those of you who didn't get my earlier reference, the most famous version of the Dr. Moreau tale is the 1996 version Starring Marlon Brando in all of his sweaty, pasty glory.  Look- the guy was a Legend, but things just got embarrassing near the end.  Speaking of embarrassing, this Full Moon Film.  First off, notice something about the title?  Yeah, there's no Island here.  Why?  It's Full Moon- they couldn't afford it!  Sad, but true.  Every other version- whether it is the 1996 one, the 1977 one, the 1972 one,the 1959 one or the 1932 one- is set on an Island at least.  Hell, even the one done on the Silver Surfer Cartoon was at least a new Planet.  You may say 'Hey- this sets it apart.'  Yeah, but not so much in a good way.  There are some unique things going on here, but I'll let you decide whether or not they're good.  To find out how to do a classic tale for only $300,000, read on...

For some reason, this film is set in the 1930s.  I would like to say that I know why...but I don't.  It adds nothing.

Anyhow, this lady hires a Detective for something and this Reporter lady tags along.

The Detective has a personal reason for taking this job of finding a guy: it's his brother.  If you think that it goes anywhere, you would be wrong.  Full Moon is kind of a tease like that.

Oh and he was in the Evil Bong films.  Joy.

He tries to find the guy by way of one of his comrades.  Said comrade gets forceful with a Stripper- since all Full Moon Films must find a pretense for boobs- and...she Riki-Ohs him!  Holy crap!

This movie just peaked at about five minutes in.  Shit.

The trio track her to the titular house- which I think was the setting of Petrified- and captured by some Mutants.  They are the creation of the titular Doctor, but there's a catch...

He's actually working for this silly-looking guy under duress.  He wants the Doctor to save his Daughter by way of his crazy experiments.

So, just to note, the House is not the Doctor's.  So it is Weird Asian Guy's House of Pain, huh?

Stay creepy, people in obvious rubber masks- stay creepy.

You all know how this goes right?  The bad guys die, the good guys live and you're just generally-disinterested.

Since I can't be bothered to explain more, here's a shot of a goofy face of death.

 ...and one more.  Why not?

All is well, although apparently mutant strippers are now a thing.  Feel free to guess how this happened, why this matters and if you care.  The End.

Eegad, this is bad!  Let's diagram this, shall we?  We get Charles Band covering well-worn territory- see my note about all of the previous Versions throughout the last 82 years- badly and with very little unique thought.  Much like The Asylum doing a Remake of Freaks, I can only ask 'Why?'  Seriously, was he just home one night playing with his Puppet Master Toys and stumbled across The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996) playing on HBO-Ugh!!! for no good reason?  He must have thought 'I can waste $300,000 of my Investors' money by making this thing again, only with one Stripped and implied bestiality.'  It makes me wonder what Lloyd Kauffman is doing to inspire his films.  I'd rather not know, personally, but I do wonder sometimes.  What do they do right?  Well, they definitely make some freaky-looking mutants at times.  I was never EVER convinced that they were remotely-real, but they were real freaky.  That's something, I guess.  On the plus side, I think there was only really one Puppet used in some form here.  For most Studios, that would be no big deal.  For Full Moon, however, doing a film with that little Puppet action would be like Wes Craven doing a film about a woman teaching Violin to inner city School Students.  Crazy talk!  One piece of advice: don't try to watch this and a good Film in the same night.  For all of you big-time Full Moon fans, it is passable.  I will leave you with this thought: stay classy, Full Moon.

Next up, I tackle a Japanese film that I have already discussed to death in some form.  After all of the Cover talk, will the film be worth it?