Rare Flix: First Action Hero

Yeah, this is a thing.  Unfortunately, it is not nearly as interesting as it sounds.  Today's film is First Action Hero, an Italian Import that I discovered on a cheap $1 DVD in an Independently-Owned Convenience Store.  I saw the title and thought 'This was a thing?  I have to see this.'  Fortunately or unfortunately, this Italian film is not a rip-off of the Schwarzenegger film.  I'm...sad?  Instead, it is a somewhat-generic Action Film that is a mish-mash of other film ideas and Plots.  Why bother with the Review then?  Well, it is because the film is full of fun cliches and a finale that makes me giggle.  Plus, the movie takes place in Miami and the lead takes a shot at Tampa- my neighbor to the North!  You'll pay for this slight...by getting more attention than you've probably gotten in a Decade!  Hmm...I may want to rethink this.  In the meantime, let me tell you about the film.  A Detective returns to Miami to solve a series of gangland murders and...is way to wrapped up in it to solve it objectively.  However, this is a thinly-written plot, so none of that matters!  To find out how it all ends up (and why the Ending is so funny), read on...

We get stock shots of Miami (foreshadowing Burn Notice) and then a Mobster fishing on a boat.  A man in Scuba Gear pops up and shoots him in the throat with a spear gun and...

the film suddenly jump cuts to a DIFFERENT crime scene.  It's so jarring that I want to sue this film for giving me whiplash!

Anyhow, both victims were Mob Bosses, leading to an awkward meeting in that building from Time Chasers (you know the one).

The group discusses what to do and...gets nowhere, naturally.

Our hero- Fabio Testi...who is usually in better Films- is WAY too invested in this, as mentioned.  He's having an affair with the Lawyer for ALL OF THE MOB BOSSES, being the ex-Son-in-Law of a Mob Boss and having a daughter with said Boss' daughter.

Does this ultimately matter all that much?  No.  He just does what any hero would.

The violence gets to him when he's targeted...since he is after all of them.  He stops one would-be assassin and corners the other.  When he draws a new weapon, our hero shoots him...in the dick.

You don't shoot people in the dick, Fabio!

Basically, there is a lot more random killing, talking about who is doing the killing and more killing.  Moving on...

The climax of the film is the best (and only good) part.  Our hero's daughter- who had all of two scenes- is kidnapped and our hero goes to rescue her.  He runs around a Quarry BY HIMSELF and kills about 1,000 people.

Here are some highlights.  First, man doing a complete flip on a 'Space Mutiny kill'...

Here's where he shoots a car (after making it flip on three pieces of metal) and a guy runs out on fire.  Thanks, Led Zeppelin!

After they get tired of him just shooting/punching people, he finds a bunch of Dynamite and goes to town.  The high-point: when this guy jumps from an explosion...before it occurs.  Ha.

After all of that, he mud wrestles (seriously!) the villain's henchman and wins.  Why not the villain?  He was already shot to death by the ex-Father-in-Law.  Pay-off- what's that?!?

Speaking of which, our film literally ends with Fabio saying that he's not certain what he'll do next.  Um...okay.  The End.

Hot damn- this is dumb!  Granted- it is a piece of Euro Trash, so I didn't expect much more.  I'm still torn on whether or not I'm upset by the title.  It makes no sense (he's not the first) and it attaches itself to a film that wasn't really a hit.  In addition, this film's release year is 1994, so it is a bit later (even allowing for European release delays).  Weird, right?  I don't know what an actual Italian knock-off of Last Action Hero would look like, but now I really want to see it.  As a film, it is pretty bad.  If you can ignore the dubbing and the obvious VHS Rip on the DVD, it is pretty generic.  That is, of course, until we reach the finale.  That finale- hilarious.  It is so ridiculous, so goofy and I wish that there was more of it.  I'm reminded of the quarry scene of Black Cobra- a Euro Trash film that was actually a rip-off of a film (Cobra).  For fans of the stuff, it is worth a rental for the last twenty minutes or so.  For anyone else, this is probably news to you that a film called First Action Hero exists.  If you have any doubt that this film was made in the 1990s, here is Bill Clinton...

Next up, an early work by a crazy Japanese Director that I love.  Boobs, boobs and more boobs (with guns in them).  Stay tuned...