Sunday, November 24, 2013

Project Terrible: Creep Van

If you aren't making me laugh (intentionally), then you are not a Comedy.  If you are not scary, you are not a Horror Film.  If you do neither, then you are Creep Van.  What are you exactly?  The film is a recent release that has found its way onto Streaming Pay-Sites such as Netflix, hence the reason I can see it.  Why must good things be ruined for me?!?  Anyhow, the film is about a mysterious killer in a Van.  Our hero is the kind of 'lovable loser' that we are supposed to root for as he tries to make it in today's world.  The film has a real identity crisis though, as it is mostly a series of pointless kill scenes, mixed with 'comedy' scenes and the main story with our hero.  It's Director has only one other Credit as such- it's a movie that sounds like an earlier version of The Collector.  It's Writers have connections to *gasp* Troma.  In fact, the movie has two people credited for its Story and THREE people for its Screenplay.  It took that many of you?!?  To see whether or not this film is truly Terrible, read on...
The film begins with two random teens/young adults messing with a Van.  The Driver closes the window on one of them, somehow cutting him in half!  Damn Hattori Hanzo Windows!

Oh and his friend dies after he runs from the pursuing Van...down the road.  You're three feet from some trees, so that makes sense.
This is our hero: Campbell.

There's really nothing wrong with the Actor's performance per se, but I'm really given ZERO reason to care about him.  At all.  Sorry, Guy who played 'Campbell.'
Meanwhile, the Driver in the Van is continuing to kill random people.  This guy's bike breaks down and proceeds to be an annoying shit until he gets killed.

Naturally, the guy has a spring-loaded sword blade mounted behind the passenger's seat!  Still not the silliest one in the movie.
Campbell's roommate is this wannabe wrestler who has apparently-torrid sex with his Russian girlfriend in a Doghouse.

No, really.
Big shock: more random scenes just to set up kills.  In this case, a lady is annoyed by a horny Mechanic, beats him up and then gets randomly-killed by the Driver.

He also kills the Mechanic, which makes perfect....HUH?!?
More pointless killing.  More tedium.
For some reason, the Driver decides to ram into Campbell's house, killing the weirdo couple there.  He could have done it before the 'We have wacky sex' montage- that would have been nice.

This brings a Detective into the hour into the film.  You missed that last 300 deaths, buddy!
I won't SPOIL the Ending, although I will say it does more to make the tone all the more confusing.  Pick a movie type!  The End.
I don't go into films wanting to hate films.  Okay, maybe I did it with Baked Baby Jesus.  Regardless, this is just awful.  It is pretty much everything wrong with low-budget Horror.  The plot- stupid.  The Acting- decent, at best.  The effects- gross and laughable.  The whole premise behind the kills is especially-ridiculous.  I would love to watch this film with the Cast of Mythbusters just to watch them cringe.  A closing door can crush your head.  A car window can cut you in half.  Aside from that, the logic of the devices used is silly.  The guy has a spring-loaded mace put behind the Driver's Seat?  The guy has a remote control brake-activator rigged so that a guy will hit the Air Bag...which is covered in spikes?  Oh yeah, that's also with the Driver's Seat!  Is he a Serial Killer or someone that's just really bad at suicide?  His motivation- he never talks.  I do talk, however, and I can assure you that this film is crap.  You want more proof?  Look who has a Cameo...
Next up, a film that only took 3 years or so to come out.  Wesley Snipes is back in Priest...with Zombies.  Stay tuned...


  1. Haha, victory! This actually looks a lot worse than I thought it would be. Of course a car window can cut you in half... right? No?

  2. I've seen the the debut film of director McKinlay, the god-awful "Gag". Guess who's clearly not interested in checking this one out? :)

  3. I'm sort of the opposite, Maynard. Having seen 'Van,' I have no interest in seeing 'Gag.' :-)

    The only thing that *remotely* piques my curiosity is that the film's plot sounds kind of like 2009's 'The Collector,' only it was made a few years earlier.

    I'm still not going to see it, of course.