Thursday, November 21, 2013

Grapple Crap: Shadow Warriors

I blame you for this, Ted Turner!  As part of his deal to jump to WCW, Terry 'Hulk' Hogan was given other TV/Movie Deals on the Turner Networks.  It's because of this we got such things as Thunder in Paradise and the Shadow Warriors films.  Speaking of which, here is one of them.  The pair of films were made for TNT back in 1999.  Joy.  The film is about Hogan leading a group of Mercenaries that help out the common man a la The A-Team.  People sure do love to copy that show/film, don't they?  Who's on Hogan's team?  You've got Carl Weathers.  The man who beat Rocky, lost to Rocky and then got killed by a Predator.  A mixed track record for sure.  Oh and he was in an Asylum film.  Who's working with Action Jackson and The Hulkster?  We've also got Shannon Tweed, who hasn't been in a film I've reviewed in about three years.  Where does the time go?  The film's plot involves an Arms Dealer, a missile and lots of shooting.  If Hostel is 'Torture Porn,' then Shadow Warriors is 'Mass Gunfire Porn.'  If you like violence with zero consequences, this is your film.  If you like Hogan's toupee, then this is your film.  If you like bad '90s films, then this is DEFINITELY your film!  To find out more, read on...
Hogan's character is bothered by some sort of past trauma.  This is how he expresses that emotion.

Okay, this is how he expresses 90% of his emotions, but you get the idea.
Hogan and company are hired to rescue this girl from a vaguely-European guy who's hosting a fancy dinner party on a Mountain.  Those Downton Abbey bitches are going to get a cap in their ass!
The gang make a prolonged escape via a Tram and some rope ladders leading down to the ground.  It's the low-budget, low-excitement version of the 'Rope Line Escape' from The Expendables 2.

After they rescue the girl, this plot thread never comes up again.  Yeah, you just watched one-third of the film acting as filler.
The *real* plot begins when Hogan recognizes a man on a Wanted Poster as a supposedly-dead Arms Dealer.

We are eventually treated to a flashback hinted at earlier.  Basically, Hogan's men were killed by him and Hogan himself was poisoned.  He remembers the man's cold eyes and is convinced that they are the same.
While the others go to investigate whether this could be true or not (and meet Martin Kove), Hulk goes off on his own.  He decides to handle it the American way: he shows up with twin Assault Rifles and starts shooting terrorists in the face!

Important to note: Hulk never once dodges a shot or seeks cover.  In spite of that, he's not even grazed by a single bullet.  Wow.
He's eventually caught and injected with a poison that will kill 72 hours.  Yeah, the villain didn't think this one through.

Hulk doesn't stay to get treated.  He joins his group to try to stop the Arms Dealer from unleashing the same toxin via a missile on the general populace.  Oh and the place targeted is where Tweed's daughter is.  Of course it is.
Hogan battles his way to the bad guys and tries to get the Arms Dealer.  Before he can do that, however, he must do battle with his main henchmen.

The man: future-Jason Ken Kirzinger (doing his best Kool-Aid Man here).  Bonus points for having Hogan do the 'Seagal Neck Snap' on him.
While Hogan pursues the villain, the rest of the team stops the threat.  Weathers and Tweed disable the bomb, while their fourth (barely-worth-mentioning) member finishes the other gang members off.  Oh and Martin Kove is flying around shooting people with a Magnum.
For the big finish, Hulk is cured, the villain is dead and they stop the missile.  They also rigged the place to explode, setting them up for this cliche.  It's oh so silly here.  The End.
It's exactly what you think it would be.  What can I say about this film?  It's a late-90s Action film built as a Starring Vehicle for Hulk Hogan.  It co-Stars Shannon Tweed and Carl Weathers.  Did you expect it to turn out to be great?  No.  The film is appropriately-stupid and features everything that you'd expect.  The worst thing that could happen is that the film could be so generic that nothing is interesting about it.  It isn't.  Even if you pay no attention to the barely-there plot, you get silly action scenes, lots of fake gunfire and tons of fake fight scenes.  It is fairly-forgettable 90s trash as a whole.  If you like this kind of stuff, it is pretty fun.  Incidentally, the other film has Billy Drago as the Villain and Billy Blanks as his Henchman.  Naturally, I didn't get THAT one.  As a bonus from the film though, it features a young Emmanuelle Vaugier (the same year as The Fear: Halloween Night)...
Next up, a Cult Classic that I finally got around to re-watching.  With it getting a nod in Saints Row IV, the time is right to go Live with this one.  Stay tuned...

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